PRIZE LIST

Ask and you shall receive. I can’t believe how many people offered up an item for my fundraiser/raffle. Without hesitation. Simply out of kindness. If not for these people, I’d have nothing to give away. Don’t ever doubt that good people exist. Because they do. They REALLY, REALLY do. Now it’s your turn...to buy tickets/make a donation to my fundraising site. For every dollar you donate, you get ONE raffle ticket. It’s that easy. And you get to choose which prize packages you want your tickets to go towards. They are all HUGE….and worth HUGE $$$$$. Some are focused on local items. Some are for anyone, anywhere. Some will allow you to travel. Some won’t make you move unless you want to. Basically, there’s something for everyone. Take a look at the packages listed below. There are 16 separate packages up for grabs. If you have any questions about ANYTHING listed, please feel free to email me. I will happily answer any/all questions. fenwaydog@roadrunner.com No matter who wins, please know that I am forever grateful to each and everyone of you for helping me help raise money for the New England Organ Bank. I miss CJ with an intensity that makes me ache. Fundraising for the Organ Bank helps keep his memory alive and honors our son. He was truly an awesome kid. Please share any/all info about my fundraiser/raffle with your friends and family. The more people that get involved, the more successful my efforts will be.

#1 - $640 TOTAL VALUE
*One hour photo shoot in Boston and 11x14 print from Amy Kelly Photography $250 http://www.amykellyphotography.com/, Haircut and Full Foil @ Bangs of Boston $190 http://www.bangsofboston.com/, Lia Sophia jewelry $200
http://www.liasophia.com/dlafean

#2 - $740 TOTAL VALUE
32” Phillips Flat Screen TV $340 local pick up only - Auburn, ME, (donated by Tim Grover), Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Sondra Barch), Artwork “Brown & Red” Acrylic 20”x18” $400 (donated by artist Matthew Peinado)

#3 - $527.99 TOTAL VALUE
Keurig B70 Platinum coffee maker $189.99 http://www.keurig.com/ (donated by Katy Hughes), Twenty homemade greeting cards $40 (donated by Mary Ellen Cafiso), Jewelry by Nina Devine $48 www.etsy.com/shop/featherandearth, Home Depot gift card $100 (donated by Anne Gordon), Barnes & Noble gift card $25 (donated by Alice Bagley), American Express gift card $25 (donated by Dottie Williams), Vera Bradley Purse & Wallet $60 http://www.northcountrycottage.com/, 5x7 Original Watercolor $40 http://www.kelliesartblog.blogspot.com/

#4 - $503.99 TOTAL VALUE
4 day vacation at GOTTA HAVE FAITH cabin in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee $463.99 To be used by 12/31/12 but can push into 2013 if necessary http://www.homeaway.com/ (Listing #297026) (donated by Kim and Britt Spera), Heartshop Jewelry $40 www.etsy.com/shop/TheHeartShop, Artwork handpainted by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#5 - $1075.00 TOTAL VALUE
Four VIP tickets to Central Park Opera in New York City - $1000. Two shows – Tosca and Madame Butterfly – winner gets two tickets to each summertime show - VIP section includes lunch and wine bar - seats are center orchestra. Fully staged operas – 40,000 people in attendance. Led by Maestro La Selva. http://www.newyorkgrandopera.org/ (donated by Lucia Palmieri), Jewelry by Helen Gardner $75

#6 - $553.00 TOTAL VALUE
2 lift tickets to Sugarloaf Ski Resort $158 http://www.sugarloaf.com/, Handmade afghan $n/a (donated by Steph Delger), Box of Hand Cut Perfectly Aged USDA Choice NY Strip Steaks from Dole & Bailey $250 shipped to winner http://www.doleandbailey.com(donated/ by Ed Brylczyk), Learn 2 Skate @ Rye Airfield $50 http://www.ryeairfield.com/ , Aquaboggan Passes $80 http://www.aquabogganwaterpark.com/, Subway gift card $15 (donated by Amanda Polito)

#7 - $595.95 TOTAL VALUE
Autographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95 http://www.timsample.com/, Autographed hat worn by Patrick Dempsey (donated by A. Currier), 4 Tickets to Bob Marley’s December Holiday show @ Merrill Auditorium, multiple cd’s and dvd’s, Upta Camp gear $500 http://www.bmarley.com/, Autographed copy of Making Waves: The Story of Maine’s Bob Crowley – competed on Survivor $71 (donated by A. Currier)

#8 - $488.95 TOTAL VALUE
Luxury 1 bedroom king suite weekend night voucher @ Staybridge Suites in Chantilly, VA – 20 minutes outside of Washington, DC – 5 minutes from Dulles Airport – 5 minutes from Udvar-Hazy National Air and Space Museum approx. $119 http://www.staybridgechantilly.com/, (donated by Ann Marie Charland), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Jewelry from Lori Nusbaum $180, Yo-Yo table runner (donated by Marissa and Susan), Arbonne products $90 (donated by Laura Charloff), Autographed Tim Sample DVD $24.95

#9 - $492.85 TOTAL VALUE
Three month membership in the Chocolate of the month club $92.85 http://www.amazingclubs.com/ (donated by Kimmy Marcotte), VISA gift card $75 (donated by Kim and Tammy), Restaurant.com gift card $50 http://www.restaurant.com/ (donated by Steph Melillo), Arbonne gift card $100 http://www.gduncan.myarbonne.com/, Amazon.com gift card $50 (donated by Mary Genereux), Target gift card $25 (donated by Maria Capamaccio), Jewelry from Vickie Lajoie $75 www.etsy.com/shop/TreasuresOfEarth, Home Depot gift card $25 (donated by Gayle Nigro)

#10 - $616.00 TOTAL VALUE
Two rounds of golf @ Foxridge Golf Club $44 http://www.foxridgegolfclub.com/, One round of golf@ Dunegrass $33 http://www.dunegrass.com/, Adidas Sunglasses $191(donated by Dr. Doug Henry), Custom Shirt gift card @ J. Hilburn $100 http://www.jenniferhardock.jhilburn.com/, Starbucks gift card $50 (donated by Steph Munch), Lost Valley Family pack of 4 lift tickets $180 http://www.lostvalleyski.com/, 2 Sea Dogs tickets – 5/20/2012 $18 (donated by Bonnie & Jed Troubh)

#11 - $627.65 TOTAL VALUE
Three month membership Martial Arts Program $207 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Pats Pizza gift card $40, JEM Motorsports gift card (S. Paris, Me.) & Kawasaki sweatshirt $109.95 http://www.jemmotorsports.com/, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Haircut @ Gregory’s, Auburn, ME $29, Framed Photo $40 sandymue@aol.com (donated by Susan Orr), ½ hr Massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Five classes @ Chill Yoga $60 http://www.chillyoga.net/, (donated by Nerys Bayley), Sam’s Italian gift card $61.70, http://www.samsitalian.com/

#12 - $605.00 TOTAL VALUE
One year membership Filipino Stick and Knife Arts Program $300 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, ½ hr massage @ Serenity Bodywork Studio $30 (donated by Ashley Lessard), Dimillos On The Water gift card $50 www.dimillos.com/restaurant, Flagship Cinema gift card $25 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Reny’s gift card $25 http://www.renys.com/, Basket of Ella’s Chocolate’s http://www.ellaschocolates.com/, Nantucket Basket with paperwhites $44 (donated by Jerri Twomey), Roger’s Haircutter’s gift card & product - Auburn, Me. $30, Two tickets to LA Community Little Theatre $36 http://www.laclt.com/, Jewelry by Danielle Green $40

#13 - $693.50 TOTAL VALUE
Six month membership Youth Fitness Program $210 http://www.koshowarrior.com/, Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, YWCA 6 week swim lessons $60 http://www.ywcamaine.org/, Sweetwater Day Spa gift card $25 http://www.sweetwaterdayspa.com/, Bracelet from Silvermade Studio $28.50www.etsy.com/shop/SilverMadeStudio, Davinci’s Eatery gift card $25 http://www.davinciseatery.com/, Spring/Gardening Basket of Goodies $50 http://www.perfectbasketofmaine.com/, Jewelry & Cards from Pam Bumbaca $30(donated by Pam Bumbaca), Four movie passes to Flagship Cinema $30 http://www.flagshipcinemas.com/ (donated by Craig Goddard), Handmade Toddler Sweater $35 (donated by Heidi Hinckley), Custom built pine container - 3' tall - will be personalized for winner $175 (donated by Romeo Hines)

#14 - $518.75 TOTAL VALUE
Four tickets to Comedy Connection $60 http://www.mainecomedy.com/, Pampered Chef items $40.50 www.pamperedchef.biz/pegbauer, Private tour/tasting for 10 people @ Baxter Brewing Co. $200 http://www.baxterbrewing.com/, Four Portland Sea Dogs box seat tickets - not available to public 6/28/12 @ 7pm $36 (donated by Baxter Brewing Co.), Homemade Salsa & afghan $n/a (donated by Mary Anne Brissette), Foreside Tavern gift card $25 http://www.theforesidetavern.com/, Silly’s Restaurant gift card $20 http://www.sillys.com/, 1 month family membership to YMCA $54.50 (donated by YMCA), Harbor Fish Market gift card $25 http://www.harborfish.com/, Just Kim purse $57.75 h http://www.justkimaccessories.com/

#15 - $545 TOTAL VALUE
2 hr sail aboard the Schooner Surprise on Penobscot Bay & Print $70 http://www.camdenmainesailing.com/, Sea Dogs Brewing Co. gift card $25 http://www.seadogbrewing.com/, Coastal Maine Popcorn gift card $25 http://www.coastalmainepopcorn.com/, Huge assortment of Scrapbooking supplies $300 (donated by Cindi Lucas), Mary Kay Basket of goodies $125 (donated by Susan Torney), Handpainted artwork by Debra Estep (donated by Deb Estep)

#16 - $100+ TOTAL VALUE (tix value not yet known)
2 tickets to 2012 Red Sox game @ Fenway Park (value not yet known) date to be determined (donated by Northeast Security), Autographed Curt Shilling baseball – signed at Spring training 2004 $100 (donated by Cindy Morrison)

BUY RAFFLE TICKETS HERE!!!!!!!!

Four simple requests:


*If you have an item you'd like to contribute to the raffle (for those that have asked, gift cards are the easiest thing to contribute but almost anything is fair game), please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com) and let me know. Thank you to those that have already sent me an item and to those that said you will do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Keep them coming!

*If you haven't yet, please head over to my fundraising site and buy raffle chances. (Already over $1400.00 raised) The prize list keeps growing: 32" flat screen TV, gift cards, tickets to sporting events, high end Keurig coffee maker, jewelry, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, 4 day vacation in a grogeous log cabin, autographed sports memorabilia, massages, private brewery tour/tasting, Vera Bradley items, ski resort lift tickets and more) There's something for everyone.


*If you live anywhere near Auburn, ME, please sign up to donate blood at our blood drive on April 16th from 11-4pm. PLEASE???? If you are physically able to donate, why wouldn't you? You won't have to wait around because I will schedule you into a time slot, you will get coupons for free stuff just for showing up and you will be helping us honor the memory of our son. Please email me (fenwaydog@roadrunner.com)
for an appointment. I have a lot of appts available.

*Share this info with everyone you know. Word of mouth truly does make a difference.

THANK YOU.

April 15th marks the 2 year anniversary of CJ’s death.

Can’t believe that it’s been almost 2 years.

Unreal and impossible.

How has it been that long since that gorgeous smile left my world? How can it be so many months ago when it feels like it happened just yesterday?

People say that time heals all wounds but 2 years isn’t enough time when your son took his own life. Not sure 20 years will be enough time to dull that pain.

Trying to keep busy to ward off the tears that threaten constantly. Staying busy doesn’t necessarily stop the tears, it just lessens them some days.

Gearing up for the second Blood Drive we are hosting in memory of our beloved Shmoops. It will again be held on April 16th, the day after the 2 year anniversary. Lost Valley Ski Resort has once again graciously donated their lodge as the drive site. The blood drive will be held from 11-4pm.

I will start registering people to donate blood asap. Need to sign up approximately 120 people to reach my target goal of units collected so if you’re local, know that I’m going to ask you to give. I want to surpass the units collected last year. Won’t bring CJ back but it will help make a difference in the lives of others. I am hard on myself and I do get sad when I don’t accomplish what I’ve set out to do. Add to that the fact that I am doing this as a way to keep my son’s memory alive and you get one terribly depressed mom if her goal isn’t met. May not make sense but not much does in my world since CJ chose to leave it.

**Regardless of what the Red Cross promotion is in the month of April for those that donate blood, (last year it was a 6" Subway coupon for all who donated) you will also get a BUY ONE TICKET, GET ONE TICKET FREE coupon to Flagship Cinemas. AND....a coupon for $1 off popcorn. AND....a free raffle ticket (read more about that below) THANK YOU SO MUCH TO CRAIG GODDARD for getting Flagship to agree to such a great deal!

In addition to the blood drive (because I can’t sit still and don’t seem to know how to do anything small), I am holding a massive fundraiser/raffle to benefit the New England Organ Bank. Raising awareness about organ donation is something I’ve been passionate about most of my life. Organ donation is what allows my Dad to exist. Without the generosity of another family, he wouldn’t be here.

We donated CJ’s organs at the time of his death. The decision to give others a chance at life was easy….saying goodbye to our beautiful son was not. The New England Organ Bank was involved with us from the very beginning. They helped make the single worst moment of our lives a little easier. CJ’s liver, his left kidney and both his lungs are thriving in people as I type. Sadly, the recipient of his heart and his right kidney did not survive…but CJ’s organs gave them a chance.

I hope to raise as much money as I possibly can for the New England Organ Bank. It is through their efforts that people become more aware of the importance of becoming an organ donor. Education is key. People need to know that being an organ donor is the single greatest gift you can ever give.

In the next few weeks, I will be posting tons of information regarding the raffle. Tickets can be purchased online or in person and will be sold now through April 16th. We will draw the winners at the end of the Blood Drive. (you don’t need to be present to win)

I have been BLOWN AWAY by the items I have received so far and continue to ask everyone I can think of to donate an item for the raffle. One week in to my “PLEASE DONATE SOMETHING FOR MY RAFFLE AND YOUR GENEROSITY WILL NEVER BE FORGIVEN” period and I already have tickets to sporting events, ski lift tickets, jewelry, a 4 night stay in a GORGEOUS cabin, lots of chocolate, VIP tickets to the Central Park Opera, a 32” flat screen TV, $180 worth of steaks and more.

Once all items have been accounted for, I will split the items into RAFFLE PACKAGES. For each dollar that you donate either online (DONATE) or in person, you will receive one raffle chance. You can then choose exactly which RAFFLE PACKAGES you want your tickets to be entered into. If you want them all to go to one prize package, great. If you want them split up amongst five or six prize packages, so be it. Or, if it doesn’t matter, I will randomly disperse them amongst the drawings.

I will post pictures and a full description of each prize package here on my blog, on Facebook and on the website (DONATE) where you can pledge money.

The next few weeks will find me obsessively organizing all the details for both the blood drive and the fundraiser. (BUSY IS GOOD)

If I haven’t already asked and you have something you’d like to donate for the raffle, I’d love to hear from you. Tickets to an event (anything after April 16th), artwork, jewelry, gift cards in any amount, food items, craft items, handmade items, etc. Basically, anything you can think of. And if you donate a raffle item, you get a free ticket for the raffle.

Thanks in advance for helping me, help others.

I can never bring my son back (God knows I would give up my own life to do so) but I can make a difference in the lives of others.

Right now, that’s about all I have left.

****Even though the PRIZE PACKAGES are not yet listed, you can still be one of the first to DONATE online. I will contact you directly when I add the prize list so you can tell me exactly how you want your raffle tickets divided up. The prize packages will all be amazing. The $$$ amount of the items I already have are HUGE!!

****ANGEL BOBBIE IS THE LUCKY RECIPIENT OF THE SCRAPBOOKING SOFTWARE. Bobbie, sent you an email. Hope it got to you. If you don't get it, please email me at fenwaydog@roadrunner.com

After CJ died, I was encouraged to make a scrapbook as a way to preserve his photos.

So I did.

It wasn't easy and it's not that good, but I did it.

And now I have it forever.

Connor saw CJ's completed book and asked for his own.

So I did that too.

And now he has it forever.

Not sure his is the greatest either but it's complete and was done out of love.

While working to finish Connor's book, I mentioned to John how much easier this would have been had I made the scrapbook using software. I have so many pics that are only digital - it just seemed like digital scrapbooking software would be an easier way to go.

But I wasn't really planning on pursuing it.

Until now.

Out of the blue, I was contacted by Liz @ MyMemories.com and asked if I would like to receive a free copy of their My Memories Suite Version 3 software program to use and review. She also offered to give me a second copy to give away to one of my blog readers.

***Let me jump in and say that getting offered to review products is not unusual in the blogging world. I have been asked before and generally turned down most items as it's just not been my thing. Since CJ's death, I have absolutely refused any/all offers. Just haven't been blogging much and don't really care so much about the same things I cared about before. But with this product, I decided to go ahead and try it. I couldn't turn down an opportunity to preserve CJ's photos. Those photos are all I have left of my beloved son. I would do anything to keep them safe and accessible forever. Getting an extra copy to give away is just an added bonus. I would have taken Liz's offer even without the extra copy.

Liz also gave me a Share the Memories code that provides a $10 discount off the purchase price of the My Memories Suite Version 3 program as well as a $10 coupon for use in the MyMemories.com store.

If you don't win the free copy, you can use the code below to get the discounted price and coupon.

STMMMS53538

You can use the above code to purchase your own copy HERE.

Been playing around with the program tonight and can already see why people like it. It's pretty easy to use although I'm still learning all it has to offer. I think I'd have a much easier time using it if I wasn't crying as I create. Looking at his smiling face over and over, makes my heart physically ache. The tears are inevitable. Have had to stop many times but managed to get a test album started. Would happily share it with you but can not figure out how to link it on here. Will keep trying.

If you'd like to enter to win your own copy of the My Memories Suite Version 3 digital scrapbooking program, click HERE and take a look around. Liz asked that those interested in winning, take a peak at her website.

Once you've had a chance to look around, come back over here and leave a comment - let me know that you saw the site and that you'd like to enter to win the software.

It's that simple....which is a good thing. If it were anymore complicated than that, I wouldn't go through with this. Truly too sad to deal with anything difficult.

I'll pick a random winner on Friday. Actually, will make John do it. Will just tell him to pick a number between 1 and whatever the total number of entries is and that will be the one.

Not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore. It's been nothing but depressing for so long - wouldn't blame people for jumping ship. Guess if very few people read/enter, the odds for those that do will be better.

Thanks to Liz for contacting me.

You've given me a way to cherish CJ's memory.

Such a priceless gift.

Three of anything makes me sad.

Three is the loneliest number…now.

We were never a THREE. We were always a FOUR.

Too many things this holiday season forced me to remember our minus one state.

Stockings.

The worst.

A concrete visual of what was. And what isn’t.

They didn’t go up.

They won’t ever go up again.

Gifts of three.

Three breads. Three cookies. Three ornaments.

Three ANYTHING.

Please don’t ever give us three.

Give us two. Or four. Or one.

Give us anything that doesn’t equal three.

Even nothing is better than three.

Three is just too hard.

Guilt is getting the best of me lately. Not sure I will ever feel less guilty.

I was not everything I could have been for CJ. I tried. But I lacked in many ways.

Those who tell me otherwise don't truly know.

I loved him. But I failed him.

Trying desperately not to fail Connor.

Suicide is a hideous beast.

But so is hindsight.

Love you Shmoops.

I left FB because it became overwhelming.

When you begin to dread opening something up for fear of what you might see, it’s time to walk away.

When you start resenting other’s happiness…when you find yourself cringing at every mention of joy…when you realize that you’re wishing for a little less bliss for everyone…..it’s REALLY time to walk away.

And when you start hating yourself for feeling all those things, something has to give.

Because honestly?

I hate myself enough already. Adding more hate to the equation isn’t helpful.

But walking away was hard.

For me.

It was.

For others, maybe not.

But me?

It was.

For 19+ months, it’s provided more support than not. It’s offered me a lifeline to the world outside my own private hell. It’s shown me how loved I am…how loved my whole family is…how missed CJ will always be.

Basically, it’s made me feel less alone.

Which is good.

Because CJ’s suicide made me feel more alone than any other time in my life.

My son argued with me. My son ran outside. My son put a gun to his head. My son pulled the trigger. My son ended his life.

How many moms get to say that?

Very few. Thankfully.

Alone in my own special hell.

Yeah me.

So it helped. More than not…most days.

But not all days.

Which is why I left.

Words aren’t always helpful.

Not even when they come from a “helpful” place.

Sometimes, THOSE words are the least helpful of all.

I’m not CHOOSING this misery. I’m not CHOOSING this pain. I’m not CHOOSING to be as crushed and destroyed and devastated as I am.

Who would choose that?

Some comments, some updates, some emails seem to insinuate that I was. That I am.

NO OFFENSE INTENDED is the exact wrong way to start a “supportive” email.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT is utter BS to a mom whose son took his life. Do you believe this is what I wanted my life to be like? For his life to be like? For ANYONE’S life to be like?

I want your friendship. I need your support. I CRAVE your words.

But I can’t handle the SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON advice.

So I walked away.

And believed I’d stay away. I really did.

For one week I stayed away.

Wasn’t wonderful but it was necessary.

Had to decide if it helped more than it hurt.

Still not totally sure.

But I’m back...for now.

I feel like a broken record.

Can't stop thinking that although life is hard, it can get way harder....for no reason.

Out of the blue, I find myself distraught all over again. The last 2 weeks have been really hard. And I'm not sure why.

CJ is still gone. He hasn't come back. He hasn't shot himself all over again. He's as dead and gone as he was almost 19 months ago.

Yet, his loss is as fresh as it was then. It really is. (Don't blame you if you don't believe that. Seems impossible even to me.)

I can be thinking, "what's for dinner" or "I really need to call Kimmy" one second then SEE the shattered glass of his car window, HEAR me screaming over and over, SMELL the antiseptic stench of his hospital room as if it's happening all over again.

And if I can't stop the onslaught of memories, I end up fixated on those last moments.

The last words we spoke. The last argument. The look on his face as he ran out of the house.

His swollen head.

His poor swollen head.

Bandaged. Bleeding. Enormous.

Touching his prickly military haircut.

Kissing his head...carefully. Trying not to hurt him with my kiss. How the hell could I hurt him anymore than he already was?

Holding his hand in mine.

Saying goodbye to my son.

I. Had. To. Say. Goodbye. To. My. Son.

Because. He. Ended. His. Life.

With. A. Gun. To. His. Head.

I'm drowning slowly.

 Pain....an endless ocean.

Grief....one hell of an undertow.

Finding life exceptionally hard lately. Didn't think it was possible to feel as distraught as I do for as long as I have. He left. He's gone. No more hurting for my handsome son. Wish I could say the same for me. Because I hurt. A lot. My heart continues to break. Each new day reminds me. Whoever said time heals all wounds had no idea the damage left behind by a gun. Or any real sense of time. Living after suicide is hell.

 

It’s funny….the more I think about blogging, the less apt I am to do it. Shocks me to see it’s been almost a month since I last wrote. Shocks me even more that there was a time when I blogged everyday. I have no idea how I managed to do that. Truly. No idea. I honestly have such a hard time remembering most things since CJ’s suicide. I’m amazed that I actually remember how to log in to things connected to my life BEFORE. As much as I’d like to just shake my head to clear the cobwebs that have taken hold, I can’t. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. Most days, the best I can come up with is the knowledge that I KNOW I KNEW whatever it is I’m trying to remember…that before that horrific day in April 2010, I actually KNEW a lot of things. Now, not so much. Makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to have early onset Alzheimer’s. Not joking. I wonder all the time if I’ll even recognize if I begin to truly show the signs of Alzheimer because I think I may be there already. Can’t believe that one single gunshot, a gunshot not aimed at my head, could steal so much of me. Life remains almost impossible some days yet I get better and better at hiding that from everyone. People either don’t ask how I’m doing anymore or tell me that they are worried about me. Not sure which is easier to deal with…the people who would rather believe you are fine because the alternative makes them uncomfortable or the people who know how much pain you are in and want to call you on it. Sadly, the latter group is far more accurate in their assessment. I am more broken than even I want to admit. I hurt inside every minute of every day. It’s just that simple. John and Connor keep me going. Without them…..who knows. John continues to support me in a way that defies logic. His love and shared sorrow remind me that I’m not alone. He picks me up time and time again and offers his shoulder to cry as many times as I need it. He’s never not been there for me. He too, hides his pain from most. I suspect the tears I see are kept to an absolute minimum. He grieves silently most days whether by choice or by necessity. I think he knows that seeing him crumble makes my breaking point bubble to the surface. I know it’s not fair but it’s the truth. If it was up to me to carry the load for us, I fear we would all just fade away. Connor is the one true bright spot in my life. He chooses to keep on living despite the hell our family has dealt with. For that, I am so very proud. He misses his big brother in a way that hurts my mom heart to see but he continues to carry on in his memory. So many parts of CJ remain in Connor…the crazy way he breaks out into dance, his “I know I’m good looking” self confidence, his random hugs for no reason and the phrases/eye rolls/goofy smiles/tone of voice that pop up now and again. All of these things could have come directly from CJ. Makes me smile and cry to see them coming from Connor. 17 months later and I’m a shell of what I was. I would literally give my life to bring him back. I will never not know pain in my heart and I will never stop wishing for what was. 17 months later and I think I hurt now more than I did back then. Each day feels like a new, fresh hell. I never realized nightmares could be never ending.
 

well this is my first entry in this blog thingy but hey mother needs to smile a bit so here it goes, If you hadn't picked up on this by now its the one, the only, the man the myth the legend, the best damn looking guy on earth...did I forget anything? whatever, it's Connor haha.
I understand my mother is upset that I'm leaving for college but she has ALL of you weinerheads, (that's right you all have a title now) to keep an eye on her and make her smile.

she knows that I'm going to act like it doesn't bother me that I'm leaving but it's just as difficult for me I'm leaving behind everything and starting over basically, who will sleep with the wieners while I'm away? At least I can count on Chauncey to keep my father from turning my bedroom into his naked room....I shudder at the thought....but I will finish this up right now.

MOM I'M NOT LEAVING I'M GOING TO BE LESS THEN AN HOUR AWAY I ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME <3

Connor

We donated blood as a family on Monday in a continued effort to honor CJ's memory. It was Connor's first official time - he tried to donate at the blood drive we held in CJ's name but was turned away due to the tattoo he got of CJ's initials. So very proud of him for agreeing to try again AND for offering to do so every 56 days from here on out. Made an enormous mistake signing up to have us donate at the same hospital where CJ died. It never dawned on me that the last time I walked through those doors, I was saying goodbye to my beloved son. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Tried desperately not to cry. Had to blink away a lot of tears. Won't make that mistake again.

Someone I love and cherish believes that the first year of this nightmare was walked by us all in shock. That only now, as the shock wears thin, are we truly having to "live" again. That everyday is so damn hard because, without the shock to mask the pain, every second is painfully real. I sadly agree.

I always knew that someday my kids would grow up and move on with their lives. But when one of your children won't ever come home again, it makes letting go of the other one nearly impossible. I'm truly thrilled for Connor that he's starting on this new chapter but watching him walk out that door is harder than I ever imagined.

I'm really sad. Sadder than most people will ever know. I often wonder if anyone sees how really dead inside I am. Probably not. Why would they want to?

If the day comes when the pain is less, I'll tell you.

If the time comes when the guilt diminishes, I'll tell you.

If the morning comes when the nightmare isn't so vivid, I'll tell you that too.

Trust me.

I will.

Until then, stop telling ME those things will happen.

I just don't believe you.

I want to, but I can't.

I can't imagine a time when I'll feel any differently than I did then...than I do now.

No amount of time will ever make me un-know what I know. Make me un-hear what I heard. Make me un-see what I saw.

His death isn't what haunts me. Death is part of life. I get that.

If it was just his death I was grieving, I might believe you.

But it's not just his death.

It's everything about his death....the circumstance...the sounds...the smell...the method...the placement...the tragedy....the unending visuals...the why.

Suicide not only robbed me of my son, it robbed me of "normal" grief.

I am a shell of what I was.

Smiling hurts so much now.

A painful mask.

Yet I wear it.

For what lies beneath is so much worse.

Material things do not ease pain. Or fill gaping holes in broken hearts.

Not that we truly believed they would. We simply HOPED (while drinking the largest glass of invisible yet powerful denial juice) that our new "things" would happily numb us to the point where we weren't crying at least twice a day.

Yep, that was our wish.

Didn't come true.

At all.

Since CJ chose to end his life with a gun, we have purchased some stuff. Stuff we didn't necessarily need but stuff we had always wanted. Stuff that gives us AT LEAST brief moments of smiles AT LEAST once in awhile.

None of them do much more than that. Maybe they let us "forget" for a moment or two. Or maybe, if we're really lucky, almost and hour or two. But that's it.

Walk away from these things, heck, look away from these things and the worst possible reality awaits us.

It's cold hearted kick in the gut waits for us no matter how much new STUFF we fill our lives with.

Nope, stuff doesn't make this better.

None of it does.

Not John's new Audi TT convertible that Connor and he flew to Alabama to purchase and then drove home to Maine.

Not our new 60" gorgeous wall mounted LED flat screen TV.

Not my new 2012 Volvo S60 T5 that does everything but my laundry.

Not my new Prada bag, THE PRADA BAG I always dreamed of owning yet knew unless I won the lottery, I would never own. No one was more shocked than I when a family member purchased it for me in a loving attempt to make me smile.

None of it.

Means anything to me.

None of it.

Means more to me than my son.

None of it.

Means my son will come back.

None of it.

Means my heart will ever stop breaking.



We got new stuff.

Yet, my heart still dies a little more each day.


Aren't I lucky?

Everything reminds me of CJ.

Every song, every smell, every sound in some way or another reminds me of the son I no longer have.

And that's hard. Really, really hard.

Didn't realize until this weekend that one thing...no, one person reminds me more than anything of what is no more.

Yet, I love seeing this person more than I can describe.

This person adored my CJ. And my CJ adored this person.

They were almost 20 years apart in age yet age didn't matter.

They both lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July when they saw each other and they both made other people happy.

Their time together was cherished. He made her giggle and she made him feel important.

She talked about him as much as her little vocabulary allowed and he beamed with pride when he spoke of her.

They just clicked from the get go.

Now he's gone.

But she isn't.

His whole life came and went in less than 21 years yet her life is just starting.

That one thought brought me to tears as I watched her play this weekend.

She will never see him again.

She might even forget about him.

Breaks my heart.


MY beloved CJ is gone.

HIS precious Sarah is still here.


I think I'll always cry a little inside when I see her cheesy smile.

Hard not to.

Someone else had one just like it.

He would have been 22 years old today.

It's not getting any easier.

I miss you Shmoops.

I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Anxiety? Who knows. Never had it before CJ died so not really sure I know what it is.

Seems like the closer CJ's 22nd birthday gets (or what would have been his 22nd bday), the more out of sorts I get. Fidgety, teary, withdrawn, moody, distraught. Pick a word. They ALL fit.

Happens on the 14th and 15th of every month too. Just no way to stop my mind, body and soul from remembering the nightmare that played on those two days last year. Doesn't matter that the nightmare happened in April....every 14th and 15th stand tall as reminders of my hell on earth.

Wish it wasn't that way. But it is. Maybe someday it won't be. But not yet.

Have had some really tough days and nights lately. Some people know about. Some I've kept hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind.

Months ago, I wrote that crying doesn't only happen on the outside. That it happens on the inside as well. When I wrote it, I THOUGHT it made sense.

Now I KNOW it does.

I can actually hear and feel my tears when no tears visibly show. It's a very odd sensation. And by odd, I mean awful. Hard to explain. But real nonetheless.

Not sure what we will do this year on his birthday. Last year, we ran away. This year, just not sure. Considered doign something big. Or something memorable. Considered doing a lot of different things.

Came to no conclusions.

May just sit at the end of my driveway. In the space where it happened. Wishing like hell that everything was different. Weeping inside knowing that we can never go back.

I'm powerless to change the outcome of that day.

No one thought crushes me as much as that one.

I've loved him forever.

At 16.

At 17.

And at 21.

Life is better with him by my side.

I draw strength from him when I can't go on.

He makes me smile when no one else can.

I feel safest in his arms.

I am a better person because of him.

In this lifetime, I will never know a more wonderful man.

He takes my breath away.

I thank God everyday that he chose me for his wife.

20 years

6/8/91

"never second best"

J,

I love you.

H.

My head is spinning with thoughts tonight.

Yesterday and today were wonderfully amazing.

We are BEYOND proud of our amazing second born son. Connor has graduated high school and is preparing to start on the next chapter of his life.

A HUGE accomplishment, one that takes our breath away.

And he did it DESPITE the hellish year we have endured.

I stand in awe of his strength and fortitude.

I truly could not be more impressed with him than I am today.

Yet, yesterday and today were so bittersweet and utterly sad at the same time.

I am not sure if, over the last 13 months, I have ever been more aware of what's missing in our family. I can literally see CJ's graduation party as if it was only a moment ago. I can see him wearing the same maroon cap and gown, standing in the same places around our house, posing for the same pictures. I can see him everywhere that day...and I can see his brother by his side.

Because Connor WAS there for his brother's graduation. And party. And celebration.

He WAS in the family pictures and in the pictures of just my two boys.

Yesterday and today, CJ was NOT in those pictures. Or at the party. Or involved in the celebration.

It was one of the saddest moments I've had since my first born son took his life.

I did everything in my power to be happy for Connor and our guests. To show the world how proud I am of him. I smiled all day so Connor would know I love him.

Made it until 10:00 tonight. Then I lost it.

Cried on my son's shoulder as he held me and handed me many Kleenex. I cried a lot. I cried because I am blessed to have such a strong son. I cried because I never want him to think he can't come to us. But mostly I cried because he no longer has a big brother....that one single thought trumps all other thoughts.

So I cried on my strong son's shoulder as he held me and listened to my weepy rantings.

I love him even more now for doing that. He really is growing up.

I did not realize how hard this day would be. I feel physically and emotionally drained.

Just didn't know these feelings would blindside me like they did.

I love both my sons to the moon and back.

I would give up my life if I could bring them back together.

I honestly would.

The tears just keep coming...

I apologize.

So many of you have asked if it's ok if you send a graduation card to Connor. Some said they just wanted to send along a card to congratulate him and wish him well for next year. Some said they'd like to send a gift of some sort. Some just asked for our address.

I almost didn't respond because I don't want anyone feeling pressured to do anything. And I certainly don't want people to think I am suggesting you send him a monetary gift.

I don't want anyone to do anything they don't want to.

So I almost didn't write this entry.

But now, as I'm hopped up on Ambien, I decided I would post our address so that those that WANT to send him something, can. So many people asked....I might as well post it in one place.

This kid has gone through hell and back and definitely could use well wishes from anyone and everyone that wants to send them. As his mom, I love the idea that people all over - friends in real life and friends through the computer - want to make my son feel special after the horrible year he has had to endure.

Yep, Ambien helped me see things clearly.

God bless my meds.

So....If you want to do something for him, please do.

He's a great kid and has stood by our side as we've navigated our way through this hellish nightmare.

He certainly deserves to feel loved and to feel special in as many ways as possible.

So thanks to all those that asked and to those that might consider sending him something to celebrate this amazing milestone in his life.

I can't thank you enough for loving on my son.

Our address:

Connor Twomey
83 Orchard Street
Auburn, ME 04210

Can't believe on June 4th, my baby boy will be both a high school graduate and a future college student.

UNREAL.

Seems like just yesterday his big brother was kissing his sweet head for the first time as he welcomed him into our family.

I can't believe there was ever a time that I blogged on a regular basis. Seems like a million years ago that I looked forward to putting my crazy thoughts down in words for you all to read...or not. Blogging was such a wonderful and amazing outlet for me. I talked about the good, the bad and the silly. I wrote with glee about my life and my family and all those things that I find interesting.

Knowing that I did that a mere 13 months ago with ease truly shocks me.

Today, as I have almost everyday of the last 13 months, I find myself struggling to write anything. Which is ironic. Because I have so many thougths in my head. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

I hesitate to write them. I struggle to write them. I physically can't write them most days.

One full year plus has passed since CJ took his life and I am still living in a fog. People will say that I seem ok and in some ways I am. I have learned to move through each day one step at a time. That's a good thing. But I expect the worst to happen every single moment of every day. That's a bad thing. I never lived like that before. But now I can't help it. It's just a horrible bi product (sp?) of CJ's suicide. I didn't see that coming. Now I just assume other bad things will happen. Things I didn't see coming either.

I miss that kid of mine. I think missing him is happening at a cellular level because it feels like it's deeper than my core. The ache I feel comes from heart, behind my heart, beneath my heart....it comes from everywhere. I am sad to the nth degree. My pain is my own to bear. I expect to be sad until the day I die. I expect to feel empty until I take my last breath. I KNOW I will never stop crying. The tears come so easy. They help and they hurt. They just come.

I live now for my beloved Connor. He has become the most amazing son. He makes me feel loved when I think I'm unlovable. I let his brother down. For that, I suspect I'm not worthy of love. Yet Connor tells me he loves me. And hugs me. And says thank you for the small things I do for him. His love reminds me that I am still blessed with one fantastic gift from God. I hope he always knows how much I love him. I hope I won't ever let him down like I did my Shmoops.

John remains by my side even though I am not always a great wife. I can't always do much more than snuggle with him. I know I'm depressed and that it effects him. I cook very little and I certainly don't do all the things around the house that I used to. Somedays, I just want to cry for what I lost. My baby is gone and I didn't tell him I loved him at the end. It's so hard to know that I failed in those last moments. I don't want to fail John. He is my rock and I need to make sure he knows that I love him more now than ever before.

I don't tell people that I cry because I think it would scare them away. Not all my friends, but some. I would be totally lost without a few of my closest friends. Without Kimmy and Ryan, I wouldn't be able to be happy ever. They are my family in every sense of the word. I love Kim like my sister. Being away from her for too long makes me intensely sad. She means everything to me. And I love Ryan. He is the one person that can make me smile with a simple word or gesture. He just knows what I need, when I need it. I truly love them both with all my heart. I will never take them for granted.

I'm crying. For what I have. And for what I don't have.

My heart is so broken.

Life is scary and is getting scarier.

My work situation is not good right now and I feel scared. I love the agency I've worked at for the last 12 years. I can't imagine not being a part of it. All I can do is wait and see.

Just another thing that makes my overall sadness even sadder.

John's health is not great and that scares me. I love that man more than I love myself. I can't lose him.

Recent rumors have caused John and I pain during a time we just don't have the energy to deal with it. Rumors hurt. Rumors that are not true are destructive.

I'm exhausted. Wonder if I'll recognize my breaking point.

Feels like it might be closer than I want.

Wonder what I'll do.

So very sad.

Haven't blogged in several weeks. Think I was hoping for a miracle...hoping that Day 366 would bring some sort of peace and/or calmness to our lives.

So many people said that getting through the first year, the first of everything major, would be the worst. Heard that so much that I began to believe it. Figured if those first 365 days were THE WORST than days 366+ would be better.

LIES.

Day 366 was as horrible and as shitty as days 1-365. It simply was.

I would give anything to tell you differently. I truly would.

But I can't.

CJ's suicide brought so much pain and sadness to our hearts. I never realized how much I valued his craziness. And his goofiness. And his million dollar smile.

Suicide ended his life.

But suicide will never be gone from ours.

It actually continues to wreak havoc. It continues to crush and destroy my family. It continues to cast it's horrifying net over our lives.

We will never be free of this beast. If we lived another 100 years, we still could not escape the ramifications that come from such a tragic ending.

Call me dramatic but it's true. CJ's suicide altered the course of our lives permanently. We will never BE the people we were BEFORE. We will never KNOW what people we may have become if BEFORE hadn't happened.

Pretty sad thought.

Not sure how the new us will turn out but I thank God I have John and Connor by my side as we find out.

They are both amazing and I love them dearly.

Felt the same way about Shmoops.

Wish I told him that more often.

“GIVING UP DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YOU ARE WEAK. SOMETIMES, IT JUST MEANS YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO.”

I love you CJ.

CJ's wake included a beautiful slide show of our wonderful son accompanied by the following songs. Although his wake was one of the saddest moments in my life, the music brings me comfort. I downloaded the songs from the slide show onto my laptop and listen to them over and over. It won't bring my son back but it somehow makes me feel closer to him.

My brother and sister-in-law graciously put the slide show together. It is to them I owe my heartfelt thanks for gathering songs that truly reflect my beloved Shmoops.

Thought today, if you wanted a way to connect to our CJ, you could listen to the songs in the order they were played that day.

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

Shower The People - James Taylor

He's My Son - Mark Schulz

Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Water Is Wide - James Taylor

You've Got a Friend - James Taylor

Imagine - John Lennon

In a Little While - U2

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

Your Song - Elton John

And So It Goes - Billy Joel

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Climb On - Shawn Colvin

Fire & Rain - James Taylor

Near You Always - Jewel

Piano Man - Billy Joel

You Can Close Your Eyes - James Taylor

When I Look At The World - U2

How Sweet It Is - James Taylor