After talking to Dayna and complaining to her about everything under the sun, I realized that the simple addition of FIVE people in my life, would make me a PERMANENTLY HAPPY HALLISICLE.
A CHEF- I hate cooking and I have no interest in learning. I make very few items which means my family doesn't eat that well or that healthy. Thankfully, Connor eats next to nothing. Of course, that could be because I make next to nothing. But I refuse to blame myself. A chef would make life so much better (and healthier) for the whole Twomey clan. So really, this one isn't just for me - it's for the WHOLE family. (Aren't I just selfless? Even when asking for something for me, I am really helping out the greater good!) :)
A CHAUFFEUR - I hate driving. Any distance. And on some level I believe I SHOULD be driven anywhere I need to go. Ok, that sounds arrogant. But I REALLY appreciate it when someone offers to do the driving. And if someones entire job was to transport me from place to place, I'd APPRECIATE THE HELL OUT THEM!
A PERSONAL TRAINER - I can work out. And I can run. I played soccer for a gazillion years so I know I am capable of moving faster than the current slug like pace I've adopted. And I also know that the effing 5 pounds that refuse to leave my body via ATKINS would melt off my thighs like "butta" if some buff young thing was screaming in my ear. (Of course my trainer is buff and young - why would I opt to have one that's old and saggy?)
A LIFE COACH - Not exactly sure what my life coach would do for me but I envision him/her as my own personal cheering squad. As my own personal motivator. As my own personal scheduler. If I had someone that would tell me how awesome I'm doing, even if it's just because I pooped one extra time, I just know I could be a better person. (Don't laugh - pooping once extra time would be a HUGE accomplishment for me!)
A MASSEUSE - Cuz god damn, my muscles are sore. And sore muscles do not promote happiness in Hallie. Sore muscles actually promote the exact OPPOSITE of happy Hallie. Dare I say, sore muscles actually make me a bit like Blender Kimmy after Mr. Blender Kimmy has supremely pissed her off? (I shudder to even think about it!)
Now all I have to do is win this:
So I can afford these five fabulous people!
***If I can't have ANY of the above, I'd settle for a PRADA bag or a sock monkey. I've never had either but am convinced my life would be made EXPONENTIALLY better if I did.
A PRADA bag or a sock monkey - aren't I easy to please? :)
37 Wienerific Comments:
You never had a sock monkey? I am so sad for you! What a terribly underprivileged child you were.
I need a chauffer too. I hate to drive!
I can be your life coach. Most days, I would be more than happy to clap when you crap...BWAHAHAHA! All I ask for is one day per week off, when I can bring you back down into the real world. Just like I do right now. But you know you love me, just as much as I love you so I will be your self-appointed life coach.
YAY FOR HALLISICLE!!! GO HALLISICLE!!! THIS IS YOUR DAY TO SHINE!!!
See? I'm good. So you will be good. :)
oh i am right there with ya, girl! i want the chef cuz i can't cook worth a damn myself! and i wouldn't mind that massuese either. The life coach could come to all my tennis matches and medicate me when i get outtah line!
girl, a life without a sock monkey is a depraved one!! hehe. i may just have to spring for one for ya, my dear Hallister!
How about this?
A cooking, driving, shouting, coaching, massaging sock monkey carrying a prada bag?
Would that make you smile?
me :)
Yeah..I would antie up for a chef too! You can get a nice prada for about 30$ in NYC.. maybe a girls weekend should be planned??
I am totally with you on the Chef and the personal trainer. I LOVE to drive so that is not an issue. If I was well fed and in shape I would not need a life coach.
And I would be happy to clap when you crap (Kim-D, I love that line!!) right there with Kim.
As for the Sock Monkey....just wait.
How about a Trunk Monkey...?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HfMUGsniJ8
Oh, this too is my dream :-)
Yes, Hallie, you richly deserve each and everyone one of them. If you can dream it, you can do it. Don't let anyone get in your way of happiness.
Hallie, if you get the Life Coach you might can manage with only one of these folks! [I have a cousin who is a Life Coach a/k/a consultant and in this economy she isn't making much $$.]
I would like a driver, but I don't like anyone's cooking better than my own. Cooking is so extraordinarily easy. I should give seminars...
OMG! When you get your 5 can I move in? I promise to be very quiet and not take up much space? But I need those 5, too!!!!
I am right there with you too.
A Masseuse would be wonderful. I don't know if I would ever leave.
The chef I basically have in Cookie.
And a chauffeur, ummm that would be good. I hate to drive. If I concentrate too much on it I have panic attacks.
I hate having anyone else drive when I am in the car. So, hey, when you win the lottery.... I will be your driver! LOL
I could use all of the others... a masseuse (sp?) especially this morning...
Ugh I deleted my comment! Ooopsie!
I forgot to address the sock monkey thing. Don't you think they are creepy? Their big red mouth is very creepy to me. It's not some soft fuzzy stuffed animal to cuddle. Nope it's a sock. I'd rather have a chef. I'd rather have a lot of things. LOL
I could use the chef and the masseuse. But if I only get one, the masseuse, definitely.
I would like to add a wife to that list. I would love one of those. To do everything.
LOl, if you find and can afford those people than wahoo! Congratz, lol , wish you the best of luck in trying to win the lottery:))
LOl, if you find and can afford those people than wahoo! Congratz, lol , wish you the best of luck in trying to win the lottery:))
A sock monkey to go with your new dress? Wouldn't that be pretty!
The poop one extra time thing? I totally get what your saying on that one. Unfortunately.
I'm will serve as your Personal Chef (must enjoy southern cooking) AND Life Coach (can't say enough about that extra poop) if you will clean my house. Deal?
Whoops! I'm willing to serve...
I need a proof reader.
I'd be happy just winning the lottery.
Now when you win the lottery, you will be sharing the winnings with your readers, right?
You're so incredibly selfless. I hope you do win the lottery. Maybe you could pay to invent the crap clapper.
those five people would sure make life easier!
why cant we all be like Oprah??? she has them ALL...
you only have 5 lbs to lose? you are there, girl! way to go !!!!
Um, you forgot one, a Suga-Daddy! lol
I've never had a sock monkey either. Isn't it sad? We should start a support group. :P
Hallie, I'm right there with you... One of my favorite sayings:
If wishes were horses even beggars would ride.
If I knew who to attribute that saying to, I would, because I've said it for years and really wished that I was the one who thought it up. Most of the stuff I think up I'd probably arrested for putting it in print. I keep saying I'm looking like those old people who win the lottery, but I keep forgetting to buy the damn tickets.
Oh,well.... have a good day.
BTW I can soooo see the red stiletto's. Great idea!
I've never had a sock monkey, and I lived to tell about it. I still have the Steiff bear Santa brought me when I was three.
Wow. My five things would be:
An accountant. One that would handle paying all of my bills on time each month and simply telling me I have X left to spend on groceries, gas, and fun. I'd never have a late fee again. That would be deeeelicious!
A personal shopper. The supermarket has come close with offering delivery services, but I want someone who will pick meats and veggies the way I like them, know what I'll substitute when something's unavailable, and who will not only lug it all into the house but put it away for me.
In that vein, I'd also like a housekeeper, or at the very least a dishwasher. I love cooking, but I hate the cleanup.
A chauffer would be lovely, yessiree.
That's only four, but that's okay. I don't think I need a fifth, unless it's schapps.
Just wanted to pop in and tell you a tale.... I was driving down the street and saw 2 little wiener dogs hanging out in a yard. And I said to my son "Look! Hallie Dogs!" And then I thought about what I had said and decided maybe that was not the best thing to call them as it is like saying that YOU are a wiener..... hehe.....
This is me leaving a comment. Comment Comment Comment Commenty Comment! Now come see my blog!
So funny you mentioned this, because my hubby and I were talking about what we would do if we won the Megabucks and I mentioned I would have to buy you a Prada bag, but maybe I will just get you a massuse on my payroll instead. :)
I can cook...up a storm, but I just don't want to, cause that means cleaning and I don't do cleaning well. I don't mind driving. In fact, I prefer to drive, cause the only accidents I have ever been in were when someone else was driving my arse around. (Except for the idiot pulled in front of me and I hit him) My Wii is my stand in for personal coach and it's working pretty good. Life coach, yes I need that, but that person would have to be a miracle worker, cause there's a mess going on in this head of mine. Who can't use a masseuse?!? I really want one of those! Good luck on the lottery, so you can get what you need!
I would like someone to cook and clean!! I'll let you know how that works out.
Can I move in with you when you win the lottery and get those 5 people? Hell, I'd even be the chauffer if you would like as long as I can take advantage of the others. :)
ooohhh good list...I would add a chiropractor to mine!
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