Popcorn Is Evil

Please excuse this blog entry cuz I have nothing earth shattering to blog about. And nothing in this blog will change the way you look at life.

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Not only will this entry NOT leave you deep in thought, it will probably escape your grey matter in mere seconds.
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Cuz all this entry is about is my misery. Misery brought on by a single piece of popcorn. Popcorn that I ate for lunch today. Popcorn that was apparently put in my world to cause me intense pain.
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Cuz one piece of popcorn, better yet, one piece of a piece of popcorn is lodged in my gums. And I want to die. Or curl up in a fetal position, suck my thumb and whimper quietly to myself. Or at the very least, perform an at home tooth/gum extraction MacGyver style...ball of twine, over sized paperclip and 4 (not 3, cuz 3 would just be silly) strips of Velcro. Cuz you know if MacGyver had those items, he would so NOT suffer the horrible and debilitating misery associated with a popcorn injury.
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So far I've flossed. And flossed again. I've flossed so much, I'm spitting blood.
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I've brushed. And brushed again. I've brushed so much, my jaw is a little sore from opening wide. (mind out of the gutters people - I'm talking about a serious popcorn issue, nothing else!)
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And I've picked. And picked and picked and picked again. I've picked so much that my gums are now shredded and inflamed and throbbing....throbbing as if to say, "Screw you Oh Mighty Mouth Owner. You can't win this war cuz I, the Mighty Gum God, has possession of this popcorn husk and REFUSE to give it up!" (What? Your gums don't talk to you?)
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What's left? I've tried everything but that sucker ain't moving. And it's pissing me off. In a big way. Which is kind of funny cuz the problem is so damn little. But I'm at loss as to what to do.
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I see copious amounts of Tylenol in my future and a constant inability to keep my tongue off my tooth in hopes that I might just dislodge the offending husk. Yep, Tylenol and tooth probing pretty much sum up my future plans.
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Well, that and a shit load of jello shots at tonight's party. Cuz if I can't get the effer out, I might as well numb the crap out of it right?
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Maybe I can liquor up that little stubborn husk and take advantage of it. Maybe, like lots of people I know, alcohol will cause my little husk to get a wee bit easy (aka "loose in the husky loins"). And an easy husk MUST be better than a hard husk, right?
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God...did I just type that?
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Pain is making me delusional.
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Sigh....
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(BTW...pretty awesome popcorn bag pictured above, huh? It comes with it's very own flosser for all your popcorn related issues. Ingenious! Of course, that flosser would do jack shit for me currently (I've already tried 5 just like it) but I think it's a good idea nonetheless. Even in excruciating pain I can recognize ingenuity!)

I Think I Just Peed My Pants...

People tell me I'm funny but I won't believe it until I come up with something as funny as this. (cuz this is hysterical)

I've seen this commercial at least 10 times and thought almost all the same things this guy says. And yet, I NEVER had the wherewithal to take it to this level.

Comedic brilliance I tell you!!

I bow at your feet Jack Douglas....whoever you are.

You are a comedy spoof GOD!!

(Now can you do one for the Ped Egg? Cuz sure as shit, any gal caught using one of those, ain't getting laid either!)

I will die a happy blogger if someday all y'all are peeing your pants after watching something I created that's as amazing as this!

Now I just hafta find my OWN WTF Blanket!!

Wish me luck!

God Bless The Internet..(How Else Would I Find This Shit?)

Is this not the handiest damn chart you ever did see? And SOOOO much more informative than that pesky old Periodic Table of Elements they forced on us in school! (click on it to make it bigger)

I bet she honestly thought she looked DAMN FINE in this get up. Notice the supreme LACK of woodland creatures in the area? Bet Ol' Miss Spider Woman scared them away! (Can you say HUBBA HUBBA?!)

Wonder what color balls I'd buy to hang off my truck IF I HAD A TRUCK?

(I'm leaning towards Flesh but Chrome is tempting)

You just know the weirdo that posted this note is one step away from, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.” (cue the scary music)

I had no idea the legal age to buy your very own HORE was 16...or 20.

Shark fin ice cubes SCREAM "High Class Party."

WANT TO SHAVE MY YETI?

(Don't be scared....You KNOW you want to!)

Say It Isn't So.....

It's not often that I drag out my soapbox and climb on top. Rarely, if ever, do I take it upon myself to preach to the choir about something that irks me. After all, I recognize and honor the country we live in, a country that gives EVERYONE the right to have an opinion.

But once in a blue moon, I come across a news story that leaves my mouth hanging open. A story that leaves me shaking my head for hours. A story that makes me want to get an even TALLER soapbox, shimmy on up to the top and yell "WTF" in my loudest voice. (last time it was using gift cards for abortions which still floors me..but I digress)

So today, that's what I'm doing. (picture me on a really, really tall soapbox, beat red from frustration, screaming my ever lovin' head off) Cuz yesterday I read THIS story and damn near exploded. And have NOT stopped shaking my head in disgust. Or peering around corners looking for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and scream, "You've been PUNKED!" Cuz this shit just CAN'T be real.

Take a minute to click on over and read the short article and then come back. I'll wait. While I sit here shaking my head. And attempting to hold my jaw closed. And trying ever so hard to stop yelling so loud inside my head. Cuz to do so out loud at work, might get me fired.

What are you waiting for? Go read! (insert Jeopardy music here while I wait)

Back? Done yet? Did you read the WHOLE article?

Are YOU shaking your head? Is YOUR mouth open? Are you looking to join me up here on my Soapbox? Or do you think that guy has EVERY RIGHT to ask for his $$$?

Perhaps you think "he worked hard for his money," (cue Donna Summers) and should receive what's OWED him. Or perhaps you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I mean really.....why shouldn't a convicted murderer, a former military man that just so happens to have been FOUND GUILTY of paying someone to kill his wife, receive his last paycheck from the United States Government?

I mean, it's not like HE did the killing. Right? Cuz then he would SOOOOO not deserve the money, correct?

And I mean, he DOES have a point....saying that by NOT paying him, the Army "sets a bad example for all other soldiers and morale." Damn straight they do! What gives the US Government the right to decide who gets their final paycheck? Why does Uncle Sam get to choose whether a murderer is worthy of the money he obviously worked hard for before (and possibly during/after) planning his wife's death?

I mean, what kind of country do we live in when a murderer can not receive the $1100.00 he's owed? A murderer that OBVIOUSLY set a good example for all other soldiers when puttin' a hit out on his wife!

Jeez...for the inconvenience and embarrassment HE has suffered, he CERTAINLY deserves that 5 million he is suing for.

Don't you agree?

I bet his dead wife would.....

MORBID MONDAY - Eye Am At A Loss For Words

EYE don't know what the hell caused this.

EYE don't know how a person ever recovers from this.

And EYE think this must hurt. A lot.

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EYE I also think, after seeing these pics, that I am more EYEBALL phobic than ever before. And EYE am mildly frustrated cuz I couldn't figure out what was wrong with these people to cause such misery. And y'all know how I like to educate the masses on Mondays!

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So instead of telling y'all what's going on with these eyes, thereby allowing you to possibly prevent it from happening to you, I will instead simply pray that none of this EVER.HAPPENS.TO.ME. Never. Ever. Never.

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Cuz if going to see an eye doctor and/or having someone put eye makeup on me FREAKS ME OUT LIKE NO TOMORROW, can you imagine how horribly I'd handle my eyes looking like any of these?

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Perish the thought!!

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(BTW...if anyone is at all interested in finding out what I meant when I wrote THIS blog entry the other day, hop on over to KIMMY's blog. She MADE me confess all!)

Where Did the Year Go?

Spent yesterday in Massachusetts helping my adorable niece Sarah celebrate her very first birthday!! We had a great time and although she looked a tad overwhelmed at times, Sarah appeared to love her party.

Wanted to get these pics up as soon as possible since my Dad was still too sick to attend.

Sarah is ALMOST walking on her own. I suspect any day now, Dave will be calling to say SHE'S OFF AND RUNNING!!

About the 43rd time I said, "Sarah, look at the camera," she did! Hard to see in this pic, but little Miss Birthday girl has a head full of curls. :)

Balloons were a big hit at the party! Don't you love the Michael Jordan tongue?

One very proud Daddy holding the light of his life. :)

Sarah (with Mommy's help) opening her present from Poppa (my Dad) Since he couldn't be there, I figured he'd like to see this picture.

Sarah's first bite of cake. Keep in mind that Sarah does NOT eat sugar so this was a BIG moment!

Sarah and Mommy.

Everyone singing to the birthday girl.

Dave's friend Steve holding the most important gal at the party. She had just woken up from a nap and was still a bit "out of it."

I love this family photo. But I love how Sarah is looking at her Daddy even more!!

Sarah and Mommy were supposed to be looking AT the camera! :)

Again, both were failing to follow directions!! :)

Sarah loves Pooh Bear.

Sarah moments before the party officially started.

Happy Birthday (again!) Sarah! We love you!

What Do YOU Think?

No matter how many times I watch these two videos, I can't decide which one is worse.





Care to weigh in? :)

This Is MY Tell Tale Heart....

Dogs bite their nails. And it's disgusting. And it's driving me crazy. Cuz Chauncey won't stop doing it no matter how much I ask him not to. Even though I ask him politely. And repeatedly. And explain to him how much it bugs me. Cuz the sound of him crunching, crunching, crunching reminds me FAR TOO MUCH of a kiddo I used to work with many moons ago. When I was a Behavior Tech at a school for kids with behavior issues.

Cuz this kiddo I used to work with ALSO bit his nails. And his fingers. ALL OF HIS FINGERS. To the bone. In class. Skin and all. With his teeth. Down to the bone. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

And he couldn't stop. Even if he wanted to. Cuz he had no control over it. And most times didn't even know he was doing it. But we did. Everyone did. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

All through class. All through the day.

English....CLICK.
Math...CRUNCH.
Lunch...CLICK.
Recess...CRUNCH.

Eating away a little more each time. Eating his skin. Eating his tendons. Eating his muscle. Eating the bone.

Unable to stop.

Even if he wanted to.

Even as his fingers diminished over time.

Even as knuckle after knuckle slowly disappeared.

Even as he was left with bloody stubs.

Cuz he couldn't stop eating. And chewing. And swallowing.

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. CRUNCH. CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

Yet Chauncey doesn't understand when I explain this all to him. When I beg him to stop cuz I'm having flashbacks of a certain time I'd rather not remember. When I calmly yet sternly tell him that even after 10 years, I can't forget that sound.

Cuz the sound of teeth connecting with bone is a sound I won't soon forget.

Especially NOT when Sir Chomps-a-lot continues to chomp on his toenails.

CLICK, CLICK, CLICK. CRUNCH, CRUNCH. CRUNCH.

Kim-D.....You're In Trouble!!!!

When left alone with my very worried and very stressed brain, do I:

A.) Put on my coziest jammies, grab a bowl of popcorn and watch hours of mindless TV

B.) Curl up on the couch with a good book and a few warm wieners

OR

C.) Call Kim-D and talk to her while I:

1.) paint the back entrance way

and

2.) rip out an entire ceiling

If you guessed "C" you know me better than I thought!!

I TOTALLY blame Kim for not stopping me. Not that she really had a choice, what with me in Maine and her in Minnesota. But I blame her nonetheless. That way, she gets to take at least PART of the blame and has to share at least PART of Mr. Hallisicle's disgust at my actions. Plus, as an accessory to the crime (she WAS on the phone!) she has to help explain to Mr. H WHY I couldn't POSSIBLY wait another minute to rip down an entire ceiling BY HAND. At 8:45 at night. When we really have no plan in place to replace it. And when there are already a ton of other projects slated to get done WELL BEFORE the ceiling.

Yep Kim, you heard me....you HAVE to help kiss some serious Mr. H ass. Cuz this time, I REALLY did it. And you were a part of it. And no matter how I look at it, what I did is NOT fixable. Well, it is by having a new ceiling put in but definitely NOT by putting back what I tore out! (cuz I demoed the crap out of it. I went all "Ty Pennington on a 7 day crack binge" on it's ass!)

Moral of this story....

Never leave a highly stressed Hallisicle and her very worried brain alone together....walls might LITERALLY start coming down!!

(Oh, and don't forget to call Kim-D when undertaking spontaneous major household renovations. She's fun to chat with and can help shoulder the blame later!)

Feel Free to Sing Along!

Had a great time last night at our neighbors Inaugural Party. Lots of good food (well, the spam sushi was maybe not so much good as it was interesting), lots of awesome "adult" punch and tons of good friends. Have I ever told you (about 100 times already) that we live in the greatest neighborhood? And that we are surrounded by the most fantastic group of people? Seriously, they're all outstanding. Adults, kiddos and pets...we sure hit the trifecta of FABULOUS NEIGHBORS when we moved to Upper Orchard!

And we get to hang out with them all in another 10 days at our party....well the adults anyway. (no kiddos or pets allowed at our "adults only soiree) Should be another fun night for all. So far the menu consists of jello shots and only jello shots. But REALLY, REALLY good jello shots. Courtesy of BK's brother-in-law Jamieson cuz it's his recipe. But that's as far as I've gotten. Should be fun, right? :)

Figure I probably ought to add a FEW more items to the menu. Which I am somewhat inspired to work on tonight.

So....while I rack my brain for some yummy party type foods, enjoy this video. One of my most favorite neighbors, Liz, sent it to me about a week ago and I can't stop singing it. Figure all y'all might want to sing along with me!!


Don't you just love it?

BTW...any REALLY EASY, REALLY SIMPLE, TOTALLY COULD BE MADE BY A TWO YEAR OLD party type foods that all y'all can recommend? Cuz I need help. Cuz I am a crappy to maybe worse than crappy cook. And cuz I really think the only reason to hang out in my kitchen is to get a cold glass of Diet Coke. Or an Ambien. Cuz the Ambien lives in the kitchen. Not sure why, but it does. Which is actually a good thing. Cuz I can use my nice cold glass of Diet Coke to wash it down!

But I digress.....

SO DO YOU HAVE SOME GOOD RECIPES OR WHAT????? :)

It's TOTALLY Connor's Fault

I had every intention of writing a lengthy blog but then Connor ruined my night.

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Cuz Connor informed me that after showering, he bent down to pick up his boxer shorts (the boxers he JUST HAD ON)

and this crawled out:

Which ruined my night. In a big way. And it wasn't even my underwear.

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Now the question remains....

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Was the (gulp) spider merely on the floor (oh god) when Connor whipped off his boxers thereby ending up under them?

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Or was the (gulp) spider actually IN his boxers WHILE he was wearing them? (oh lord, give me strength)

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Connor has decided he prefers the first option and is choosing to believe his spider free boxers merely landed on the arachnid on the floor.

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I have decided to curl up in a fetal position and pray that his web mates don't come and get my thongs.

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Better yet, I may stop wearing thongs all together.

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It just might be safer....

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(And yes, before you ask, it damn near killed me to post a pic of a (gulp) spider on this blog. I almost couldn't do it. But I did. But I'm not happy about it. At all.)

Maybe Not MORBID But Wrong On SO MANY LEVELS

In researching topics for my MORBID MONDAY posts, I frequently come across pics that NEED TO BE SHARED. Pics that NEED TO BE DISCUSSED. Pics that NEED TO BE EXAMINED and REVIEWED. And although these pics may not neatly fit into one themed blog they often deal with genitalia. Or pics of genitalia. Or something related to genitalia. Go figure....

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Morbid Monday posts usually consist of gross things...things that make the normal/average blog reader a bit squeamish. Cuz most things related to pus, blood, parasitic worms or giant tumors are just nasty. Nasty in the "oh god, I think I might hurl" kind of way.

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But I've decided, after discovering the following pics, that MORBID does not just have to be gross. Morbid Mondays can and should also include pics of things that make my mouth drop, make my head shake and make me want to look away (even though I can't) In other words, Morbid Mondays can and should include the following:

His mother must be so proud of him. I mean, how many young men look at their armpit hair and think, "hmmm...you know what THAT looks like?" I do, however, think this woman could stand to do a bit of "landscaping." Cuz quite honestly, the "pelt" look is not really attractive. For some reason, I can't stop thinking "Cha, Cha, Cha, Chia!"

If her Mom isn't proud of her, I would be shocked. What Mom doesn't want their daughter to LOUDLY and PROUDLY tattoo her #1 strength in the dead center of her chest? I'd think that knowing what you're good at and sharing it with the world makes for less confusion, right? I certainly now know what she'd be my GO TO GAL for!

What's with the genitalia tattoos in the underarm/armpit area? Did I miss the memo? Am I the ONLY person without a penis in my pit?

I will bet anyone a MILLION, BILLION, GAZILLION dollars that a man came up with this idea. Seriously, I will. I just have a hunch that I'm right....

I have TOTALLY been considering getting a second tattoo (yes, I have a tiny one of my back) but haven't known what to get...until now. And I was just thinking the other day that the tops of my feet DO look a little boring. Problem solved!!!!

I see Paris, I see France, I see a sea anemone that looks like a giant helmeted penis. Ok, that doesn't rhyme. At all. But it's my blog. And I couldn't figure out how to get anemone or penis to rhyme with France. Deal with it.

Not at all sure what bothers me the most about this pic. The fact that the guy has a penis clover tattooed on his stretch marked belly. The fact that in the close up, the guys belly button looks like a nipple. Or the fact that the dude standing next to penis clover man looks a bit TOO interested...

Wonder if I can get my Dad to get his stump tattooed to look like ONE GIANT FINGER too!! Pretty cool in a weird sort of way, huh? You just know the owner of this arm has one bad ass sense of humor. Of course, my Dad's stump looks like a platypus so getting a finger tattoo would be all wrong. But a platypus bill added to the tip of his stump? Now that would be ALL RIGHT!!

Ending on a high note....or a low note considering the location. Had heard a rumor that dragon tattoos on the penis were all the rage but thought someone was just pulling my leg. Obviously I was wrong. And obviously I totally underestimated the lengths that men will go to to make their tallywhacker stand out in a crowd. Cuz I assume if you go to all the trouble (not to mention the EFFING pain) to make your willy look like a real ONE EYED MONSTER, you MUST whip it out as often as possible. Why else would you do it?

Think this automatically makes this dude the Supreme Ruler of ANY Dungeons and Dragons game he plays?

Do It For Me Dad.....Please?

These songs will ALWAYS remind me of my Dad.

And the times in his TR6 that we drove with the top down and sang to AIR SUPPLY'S GREATEST HITS (cassette tape, of course) at the top of our lungs.

Although my Dad suffers from a severe case of what my brother and I call CHRONIC LYRICOSIS (the tendency to make up lyrics to songs), he ALWAYS knew the words to Air Supply.

And we always had a great time singing their songs together.

It may be a cheesy song and a sort of cheesy memory, but it's MY memory and I love it.

Dad, hope this brings a smile to your face.

Now please get off the computer and call your GP and make an appointment to be seen. You sound terrible and NEED to be checked out. You're a heart transplant patient, if you've forgotten, and NEED to take extra special care of yourself.

Please?

Mea Culpa

So here's the deal...

Every once in awhile, as BFF's are inclined to do, Kimmy and I share "secrets" with one another. And these secrets tend to be of the "NEED TO REMAIN VAULTED AT ALL TIMES LEST OUR HUSBAND'S FIND OUT AND KILL US."

But occasionally, Kimmy shares a tid bit of info with me that is just TOO DAMN FUNNY TO KEEP VAULTED. Which means, I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO tell Mr. BK. Cuz he needs to know. Cuz the tid bit is just TOO.DAMN.FUNNY.

Now keep in mind, I would NEVER truly UN-VAULT a secret that Kimmy told me if it was really best kept in the vault. And after all these years, I absolutely, unequivocally know which pieces of info fall into that category. Cuz some stuff is just better left unsaid. And vaulted. For all eternity. Which means, I would never, ever, never tell Mr. BK no matter how much alcohol he plied me with.

But the stuff she tells me that she CLAIMS belongs in the vault when it really has NO BUSINESS being in the vault is fair game. And could be and most definitely should be shared with her hubby. Cuz it's funny. And we all need a good laugh.

So that's what I did last night. I shared a freakin' hysterical tid bit of info that any normal, 38 year old male would find humorous. If he had a sense of humor. Which apparently, last night, Mr. BK did NOT.

So today, here on my blog, in a very public way, I am apologizing from the bottom of my heart to my BFF. Cuz she SAID he wouldn't think it was funny but I didn't believe her. Cuz it was just about the funniest tid bit of info I've heard in a long time. But Mr. BK did not see it that way.

So Kimmy, my bestest BFF, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. Cuz you were TOTALLY RIGHT and I was TOTALLY WRONG. And although I STILL do NOT see how he failed to find the humor in it, I now agree that perhaps I should NOT have divulged that tid bit to the mister. Cuz apparently he has lost his funny bone. And is getting cranky in his old age. And clearly needs a HUMOR INFUSED ENEMA.

In the future, I will vault everything. Even the crap that is OBVIOUSLY NOT VAULT WORTHY. Cuz I've learned my lesson. (You have too, huh? To the tune of about $43.00, right?)

Never again will I discuss swapped silverware or life saving, TOTALLY NECESSARY small appliances with Mr. BK.

Oh, and I'll try REALLY, REALLY hard NOT to spit Diet Coke all over your kitchen floor again either. But how could I not...that shit was hilarious!! :)

And I Thought I'd Never Meet a Wiener I Didn't Like

Normal.
Nice and normal.

Not normal.

Not normal at all.

SOOOOO not normal.

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Actually SOOOOO not normal that they remind me of a freshly circumcised penis. Or at the very least, an angry looking, "get that thing away from me" dog penis.

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Yet they serve these vile items in the great state of Maine.

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The color red....not just for cooked lobsters anymore!

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother. ~Astrid Alauda

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet. ~Vietnamese Proverb

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. ~Marc Brown

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A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. ~Author Unknown

A brother is a friend given by Nature. ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk. ~Susan Scarf Merrell

There is a destiny that makes us brothers, no one goes his way alone; all that we send into the lives of others, comes back into our own. ~Edwin Markham

We are not only our brother's keeper; in countless large and small ways, we are our brother's maker. ~Bonaro Overstreet

My brother is my most beloved friend and my bitterest rival, my confidant and my betrayer, my sustainer and my dependent, and scariest of all, my equal.
~Gregg Levoy

There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother. Oh, how I hated that little boy. And how I love him too. ~Anna Quindlan

Help your brother's boat across, and your own will reach the shore. ~Hindu Proverb

When brothers agree, no fortress is so strong as their common life. ~Antisthenes

Sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three. ~Author Unknown

Brothers don't necessarily have to say anything to each other- they can sit in a room and be together and just be completely comfortable with each other. ~Author Unknown

All for one and one for all

My brother and my friend

What fun we have

The time we share

Brothers 'til the end.~Author Unknown