Where DOES the Time Go?

He walks to the beat of his own drum and always has.

He's quick with a sly smile but not with conversation.

He's got a huge heart and bizarre sense of humor.

He's an amazing friend and an even better son.

He's funny and goofy and kind hearted.

And he's all mine.

Happy 16th Birthday Connor.

I've adored you your WHOLE life.

Just one day old and already melting my heart.

Can't believe you ever had feet so tiny!!

(And yes, those were YOUR feet!)

May every birthday find you as wonderful as you are today.

I love you,

MOM

All Searches Lead to A Wiener

I've decided that there's absolutely no way for me to EVER be bored in the blog world. No way for me to EVER run out of things to talk about. No way for me to EVER lack in topics to ponder. Cuz if ANY of those things happen, all I need to do is take a gander at my stat tracker....and read through the list of keywords that brought people here to the WWoW. Cuz that list is AMAZING. And UNIQUE. And FREAKY.

Let's call it It AMAZINGLY UNIQUE with a twist of FREAKY. (Although, lately, the freaky seems to be more like a healthy dose than a twist.)

Cuz people are finding my humble little blog in the weirdest ways....ways that even surprise me. And quite honestly, I'm still not exactly sure how these "strings of words" hit on my blog. (Or what the hell the people were really looking for. Or WHY they were looking for this stuff in the first place!)

I get that my blog will pop up simply because I used a word that is listed in the search someone is running. But lots of times, that's not the case. At least not that I can tell.

But what the hell do I REALLY know? Maybe the google gods know WAY MORE than me. Maybe when I use the words I use, I actually mean something completely different. (Wouldn't be the first time I said one thing but meant the other!)

Yesterday, for shits and giggles, (BTW..dumbest phrase ever. Cuz I NEVER giggle when I do that. NEVER.) I took a few minutes to peruse the latest searches that landed people in my Wiener World.

And boy oh boy, what an interesting list. (And by interesting, I mean O.D.D.)

**VICODIN UP THE BUTT - I've never done that nor do I think I've talked about it. Vicodin probably. And butts, definitely. But Vicodin up the butt? Yowza!!

**POTATO WEINER - Ok, I obviously talk about wieners but do potatoes HAVE wieners? Wait...don't answer that.

**SONG ABOUT WIENERS & SNAPPING TURTLES - Someone get me a beer. I feel like I need to be drunk to come up with the lyrics to that song.

**MORBID SCARY LARGE DOG BEDS - Really? Someone thinks dog beds are scary? Fenway and Chauncey beg to differ.

**MAKE UM GAG - Love, love, love the wording. But I'm confused. What could possibly make someone gag over here? :)

**WIENER HELMETS - I'm at a loss. Aren't wieners **ahem** sort of helmeted to begin with? Or was someone actually looking for little helmets for their beloved wieners? Do they make helmets that small? I guess size DOES matter!

**KAREN WOODWARD CLEAVAGE - NO idea who Karen is (and I'm 100% positive I've never talked about her cleavage) but damn, do I want to meet her!

**INSIDE PEOPLE'S WIENERS - Ick. Why would anyone want to know what's INSIDE a wiener? Human or otherwise? ICK. ICK. ICK.

**HOW MUCH JELLO FILLS A WATER BED - Yes, I talk about jello shots. Maybe more than most. But in a water bed? Really? Is there a preferred flavor to use? I need to know!

**FOREHEAD MOLE REMARRIED - WTF? I repeat....WTF? Why they hell did this land someone here? I can assure you that NO MOLES ON MY FOREHEAD have EVER gotten married. They're all single gals!!

**CAT WIENERS YOU CAN LOOK AT - Now wait just a minute....I am NOT a cat person. And would NEVER want to look at a cat wiener. Never. Dog wieners...perhaps. I mean, we don't call Chauncey "RED ROCKET" for nothing.

**BREAST BITE - Real breasts? Or chicken breasts? I'm rooting for the fowl kind cuz the real thing isn't necessarily meant to be bitten. (I say necessarily cuz one never knows what someone else is into. And who am I to judge?)

**FETUS COOKIE RECIPE - I DID show a picture of a fetus shaped cookie cutter several weeks ago. So I get why this search landed someone here. But I think I'm missing something. Cuz I was unaware that there was an actual FETUS recipe for cookies. And although I LOVE cookies, me thinks me wouldn't want a fetus flavored one. I'm just sayin'....

**ANTS GO PARTY AND GET DRUNK - Apparently someone thinks that ants have a bigger drinking problem than I was aware of. Which makes me wonder, are drunk ants any LESS annoying than sober ones?

And now....just cuz I LOVE to make y'all dust off your grey matter....

Tell me which one of the above 16 keyword searches I MADE UP!!!!!

Yep, that's right. I MADE ONE UP. Just cuz I can!! ;)

All of the above are ACTUAL keyword searches that led to my blog EXCEPT FOR ONE!!!

Aren't I clever???

But the bigger question is....are you??

Which one do you think it is????

Shingle Bells, Shingle Bells, Shingle All the Way!

Been hearing a lot lately about shingles. And not the kind that live on the top of your house. Cuz as far as I know, not many people talk about roofing shingles. And if they do, I probably long since drowned them out. Sort of like what I do when John talks about anything related to HD.

(Don't worry though, John knows and loves me anyway!)

~~

Nope, haven't been hearing about THOSE shingles.

~~

What I HAVE been hearing about is the shingles that are characterized by a painful rash or blisters with a crusty appearance. ICK. And YUCK.

~~

Anything that's characterized by it's crusty appearance is automatically morbid in my book. (Unless we're talking about a crusty loaf of french bread. In that case, I say YUMMY.)

~~

But crusty AND painful? MORBID. And GROSS.

I mean really....if this is shingles, count me out. I can't even stand a simple canker sore. Can you even imagine this crap IN YOUR MOUTH?

Anything that's capable of drawing your eye AWAY from a hefty set of MOOBS is NOT for me. (Moobs DEMAND they be the center of attention.)

While shaving my right armpit last week, I somehow managed to get a wee bit irritated. Which, up until I saw THIS picture, seemed pretty awful. Now I'm thinking my tiny shaving injury wasn't so bad.

HOLY. MOTHER. OF. EDISON.

Would have plastered this pic up on a Morbid Monday post JUST for the nose and eyebrows alone. But add in the face eating case of shingles he be sportin' and you get MORBID TO THE MAX!

Did the shingles cause the gaping hole in her neck? If so, OH MY GOD.

Someone get this lady some spackle.

Is this a multiple choice test? Am I supposed to pick the letter of the case of shingles I'd LIKE to have? "I'll take LETTER A for $500.00, Alex." Unless of course, letter A LEADS to letter C....then I'll pass and take the failing grade.

OW. OW. OW.

Can someone get ME some morphine?

Cuz just looking at this makes me hurt all over.

Reason Number 567 I'm glad I DON'T have a DANGLING nether region. Cuz if shingles could make IT look like this, I don't think I'd be a happy camper. Then again, would ANYONE be a happy camper? :(

Frag If You Want To! Frag Around the World! (B-52's...Get It?)

It's Friday.

~~

I'm fragging.

~~

Here's hoping Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin' Time is pleased. Cuz nothing makes me happier on a Friday then putting a smile on OLD MRS. FOUR'S face.

(I added in the word old cuz she's too far away to kick my ass!)
~~

*I TOTALLY get that some bloggers feel the need to have Fort Knox like security measures on their blog. And I TOTALLY realize that those security measures are in place to protect their blog from the masses. I mean, who really wants mean ass comments left on their blog or **gasp** spam crap to infect you? Yep, I TOTALLY get it. But I TOTALLY don't like it. Cuz I feel like I'm taking a pass/fail exam every time I write something that has to BE APPROVED prior to showing up. Which makes me paranoid that my comment might not make the cut. Don't I have enough stress in my life without having to worry that my comments suck MASSIVE DONKEY BALLS?

~~

*I'm putting in for HAZARDOUS DUTY pay at work. Cuz walking from my car to my office requires that I pass by AT LEAST 50 man eating, flesh loving, "might just samurai leap onto Hallie causing her a lifetime stay in a rubber room" 8 legged harbingers of doom. And every day, they look fatter and thicker and angrier. Not to mention I'm absolutely certain they are growing teeth. And drooling when I get near. And today? Today I KNOW I heard one cackling in a deep guttural voice as it cracked its 8 legs worth of knuckles.

~~

*Someone found my blog this week by searching for "WHY DO I HAVE FRAGMENTED THOUGHTS AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN?" Which means I have Mrs. 4444 to thank for a brand new blog reader. (OBVIOUSLY if someone stumbled onto the WWoW by accident, they TOTALLY fell in love with it!!) Cuz without her constantly badgering me to "FRAG, FRAG, FRAG!", I wouldn't have used the word "fragmented." Which means my blog wouldn't have popped up in that persons google search. Which means they never would have had the pleasure of my wienerfic thoughts!! My hats off to you Mrs. 4444!!!

~~

*John made mention that something I said or did (quite honestly, I can't remember what he was talking about) might NOT be received well by others. I told him that the only opinion that TRULY mattered to me was his. Of course, I THEN went on to tell him that he better ONLY say nice things to me or I'd kick his ass. I'm a keeper, huh???? " :)

~~

*For ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL, I wait to go pee at work until my bladder is about to explode. I have no idea why I do this. No one STOPS me from going. No one punishes me if I do. And oddly enough, the bathroom is diagonally across from my office door. Which means, it's only about 15 steps from my chair to THAT chair. But I wait. For no reason. At all.

So when I finally DO go, it's like freakin' urinary bliss. It feels SO DAMN GOOD that if I smoked, I'd light up. Yep, peeing when you ABSOLUTELY CAN'T HOLD IT FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND is like whizzing nirvana. The ONLY thing that MIGHT feel as good (removing any mention of connubial bliss from this discussion) is the ever popular, always amazing "finger in the ear" itching thing we people do (God, I LOVE that!) and the simply wonderful, truly addictive "rub your eyeballs until they roll back in your head and/or go numb."

Now if I can just figure out how to do ALL THREE at the same time....

*My name is Hallie and odd things entertain me."

"Hi Hallie!"

News Flash!!!!!

When I'm hopped up on Ambien, I tend to have unusual thoughts. Thoughts that a non-medicated brain might not cook up.

Ambien tends to make my thoughts BIGGER and FASTER and slightly twisted together. Cuz on Ambien, I can EASILY connect dots that are NOWHERE near each other. I can EASILY get from Point A to Point B in the least straight line possible. I can EASILY argue a case when the facts just don't support it.

Cuz Ambien is powerful that way.

Case in point:

Last night, as I hovered in that 60-90 minute Ambien window between consumption and lift off (and by lift off, I mean LIGHTS OUT) I got to thinking about someone very NEAR and DEAR to my heart. Someone that is dealing with a medical issue that is very scary. Someone that is more terrified of the possible outcome then of anything he has ever faced before.

And as I thought about this special someone, and how I'm honestly devastated that I can't do more to help him, I also got to thinking about the blog world. And my blog. And the people who read it.

Yep, in my Ambien induced preslumber haze, I thought about my beloved family member and about y'all. At the same time. In the same thought. All twisted into one.

And I came to a grand conclusion. One that had I NOT been under the influence of the BIG A, I might never have seen. Which is sad, cuz it makes complete sense. (Well, it did last night.)

And that grand conclusion was:

If EVERYONE that hops on by the WWoW today were to leave a comment TODAY (of any length at all), my family member will get better.

Or at least feel better.

Or at the very least feel supported.

Seems totally logical, right?

The future state of his health is DEFINITELY connected to the number of comments I get today.....RIGHT?????

Now do you see how mighty the BIG A is? And how oddly yet interestingly it makes totally unrelated items go together like peas in a pod? Like cookies and milk? Like PRADA and Hallie???

Do you really see it???

Good, cuz in the light of day (and desperate to do SOMETHING to ease my loved ones fears) I refuse to go against Ambien. Cuz Ambien has spoken.

And you don't mess with Ambien.

So today, (And just today, I promise!! I wouldn't DARE bug you two days in a row.) I'm asking each of you (Of which there is a crap load, so this could be big. Lurkers? Are you listening?) to leave a comment. ANY COMMENT. Short or long. One word or many.

Say something inspirational. Say something funny. Say something low key. Or just say hi. Heck, just leave a cute smiley face if you want. (You can even comment anonymously.) :)

I don't care what you say just as long as you SAY SOMETHING.

Cuz there are a ton of you that read the WWoW. And cuz there is power in numbers.

And if by each of you leaving a comment, my family member's mind is distracted from his very scary issue for even one moment, I will be eternally grateful.

Really, I will.

And so will he. Cuz he reads the WWow. Everyday.

Soooooo........What do you say?

Will you leave a comment?

Will you help me by helping him?

Just this once?

Please?

PLEASE?????

The Eyes Have It

If you looked inside my heart,

these eyes are what you'd see.

Le Sigh....

John and I have an unwritten rule in our house:

he (or she) who sleeps the latest, makes the bed.

Short and sweet.

No confusion. And no argument.

If you're the last one in it...make the bed.

Makes perfect sense and works well for us both.

So it wasn't at all surprising when I wondered upstairs the other day to find the bed made. Cuz John was sleeping in it when I left for work which meant he got the privilege of remaking it.

Nope, no surprise at all to find it made.

What WAS surprising was this:

John simply rocks my world.

It's Monday....Wonder What That Means????

Some morbidness stands alone. Which is basically just a nice way of saying I can't find enough info about it to do an ENTIRE Morbid Monday post.

But I want to include it somehow. Cuz quite frankly, limited info or not, this crap is still Morbid.

Morbid enough that I saved it to my MORBID folder. And once it makes it to "the" folder, IT GETS USED!!!!

I like cake. And I like meat. But MEAT CAKE? Not so much. And I especially don't like the ketchup icing which looks just a bit TOO MUCH like blood. Ugh.

Nasty. Disgusting. Vile. If my eye ever looks like this, I'm going all pirate on your ass and sportin' a jaunty black eye patch. Cuz NO ONE should be subjected to this type of crusty, pussy nonsense. As a matter of fact, this person (can't tell by the rancid eye which gender it is) should be shot at dawn for making me gag. Seriously.
Don't know what this is but it's morbid. And I bet it's EFFIN' PAINFUL. I can safely say that unless this woman (don't know why I think it's a woman but I do) waded in red paint up to her knee (which would then NOT be painful) I don't want this shit to happen to me. EVER.

Millie Jackson needs to be kicked in the ass. But only AFTER she gets her ass OFF THE TOILET. Cuz this lady is totally screwed in the head. Cuz only a totally screwed in the head person would use a pic of themself straining to take a poop (Hence the title - BACK TO THE SHIT!) as their album cover. And yes, that's what this is.....an album she released in 1989. This pic will haunt my nightmares for a VERY LONG TIME.
Being a celebrity should NOT give you license to scare small children.

Nuff' said.

A Face Only A Mother Could Love

Is that funny or what???

Frag Like Your Life Depended On It!

Time to FRAG ON COMMAND cuz bossy Mrs.4444 from Half Past Kissin' Time ordered us to do so. She thinks she's all high and mighty cuz she says FRAG...and we FRAG. Little does she know....she's right!! :)

*Wiener dogs like to pray. Pictures don't lie.
~~
*Do YOU people (and you KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) wait until I have a mouthful of delectably delightful Diet Coke to say something funny? Do YOU purposely wait til I've got a MOUTHFUL to crack a joke? Haven't you figured out that I DON'T like wasting even an iota of my precious elixir? And that I get BUTT NASTY when you make me spit it out? Or choke on it?? And the kicker? You aren't really that funny to begin with...which makes me think you're stock piling witty comments for use at inopportune moments. CUT IT OUT.
~~
*Got this in an email.

The subject line was GIANT CENTIPEDE FOUND IN COLLEGE DORM.

I think I wet myself a little.
~~
*I had a crazy moment, as I wrote my second $800 check to the dentist office in less than two weeks, when I considered saying, "SUCK IT DR. DENTIST MAN! I'M NOT PAYING YOU!! AND THERE AIN'T NUTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! CUZ CONNOR ALREADY HAS THE CROWNS IN HIS MOUTH. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN TAKE THEM BACK!!" But I wasn't entirely certain that was true. Which made me stop and think for a moment. During which time I realized that I DEFINITELY wouldn't win MOTHER OF THE YEAR 2009 if they have to drag him back into the office and plier the crap out of his fancy new teeth. And I REALLY want that award.

~~
*Heard a woman (I assume it was a woman cuz I was in the woman's bathroom) use damn near an entire roll of toilet paper in less than 30 seconds. Well, maybe it was more like a minute. But it wasn't long. Cuz as some of you know, I am the world's fastest pee-er. Yep, I am. In and out in seconds. (Of course I have to go 10,000 times per day but that's a different "damn I broke the seal" fragment) Yet this woman, in the 15 seconds I was peeing and the 45 seconds I was washing my hands, utilized the roll like 100 times. (Yep, I could tell. Cuz unrolling toilet paper is a very distinctive sound. Especially when someone means business.)

Made me wonder (and slightly gag) what this woman was trying to wipe away.

~~

*I birthed me a wacky and crazy and weird and odd second kiddo. Which is soooo NOT a surprise, considering the seed source that created him. Yep, he's a wacko but I ADORE him. His wackiness is what makes him unique. Which is why I wasn't the LEAST BIT SURPRISED when I found this self portrait posted on his Facebook page.

The caption below the pic said:

new teeth and a used blackberry im a happy man

Is he funny or what?

(Nice choppers, huh???)

:)

This Could Be Yours...If The Price Is Right!!

Even after braces, Connor's teeth still looked like this:

Cuz the poor kid was born with peg laterals....congenitally small, cone shaped teeth. Although braces helped straighten them and fix his overbite, they could offer no assistance to those two tiny teeth he was sporting. (See them? On either side of his two front teeth.) And yes, that IS Connor's actual mouth. (Last time I talked about this he FORBID me to show his real mouth.)

But now that his mouth looks like this:

(Look back and forth at these two pics several times in order to TRULY grasp the difference)

he's allowing me to show them ONE TIME AND ONE TIME ONLY! (Great teeth or not, the kid is STILL a huge introvert and would rather I NOT talk about him....unless he wants me to...then he's fine with it!)

You could have knocked me over with a feather when he walked out into the waiting room to show me the final results. Seriously. Cuz we've NEVER seen him without 2 wide open spaces...spaces left empty cuz the teeth were too small to fill them. Talk about a GINORMOUS FREAKIN' CHANGE.

And I couldn't be happier for him.

Or us.

Cuz after forking over a total of $6200.00, I can honestly say we made the right choice.

Smile Connor! You look amazing!!

Now take care of them or I'll kick your ass!! :)

Oh Dear Sweet Ambien...How You Make Me Think!

You're on a desert island. Alone. With a computer. That somehow, although it has no obvious power source, works like a charm.

Normally, as part of your daily routine (geared to help pass the time), you check out ALL YOUR FAVORITE BLOGS. Yep, you spend all your free time (which, let's be serious, you have a shit load of) hopping around the blog world, reading up on all your favorite bloggers.

Might take you a couple hours or a couple of days to get to them all...depends on how many favorite blogs you have. How many blogs you FOLLOW. How many blogs you find yourself somewhat addicted to each and every day.

But then, out of the freakin' blue, your previously working just fine computer, decides to limit your blog surfing. For some unknown and totally unexplainable reason, your computer decides to cut your blog surfing off at the knees. In other words, your computer decides to take COMPLETE CONTROL.

And by complete control I mean FORCING YOU TO CHOOSE FIVE AND ONLY FIVE BLOGS TO READ. FOREVER. AND EVER. Never to see another blog other than these specific five.

Yep, only five blogs to pass your time. Five single blogs out of your HUGE universe of favorite blogs.

And you HAVE TO CHOOSE.

If you don't, your beloved computer will spontaneously combust. Or throw itself into the ocean. Or (God forbid) STOP WORKING ALL TOGETHER. (which, considering you have no idea how the hell it runs without electricity or a back up battery source, seems fairly logical)

So what's it gonna be?

What five blogs would you choose and why?

Which five blogs could you simply NOT LIVE WITHOUT???

****This exercise comes to you courtesy of a bad Ambien trip I had the other night. And yes, this all made complete sense to me at the time. (Don't ask me how a deserted island and blogging got connected in my Ambien soaked brain. Cuz I have NO IDEA.) Regardless of HOW this idea popped into my head, it forced me to really THINK about which blogs I find myself drawn to each day. AND it made me desperately want to clean out my Google Reader. Cuz I can't tell you HOW many blogs I've added to that thing that I never read!!

***Don't be afraid to list your five. Cuz there are no right or wrong answers. And no one is judging you based on your choices. And no ones feelings will be hurt if they didn't make your list. (Really, they won't. Cuz we're all adults. And like to play nice. Can't we all just get along?) And if the WWoW is NOT on your list? That's TOTALLY ok! I'm just happy you come here AT ALL!! :)

**Plus, by listing your top five, you might just open our eyes to a new and wonderful blog we know nothing about. And since you are only listing the blogs by name, we just might hop on over to YOUR blog and ask you all about them! Great way to meet new blogging friends!!

My list of 5:

(subject to change tomorrow but this is my list today!)

CAKE WRECKS

Entertaining

TWENTY FOUR AT HEART

Brutally honest and ridiculously funny :)

KING OF NEW YORK HACKS

A guy with a HUGE heart, opening our eyes to the world around us.

AIRMAN MOM

Reminds me daily to be thankful.

WHY WOMEN HATE MEN

NOT for the easily offended but damn, does this make me laugh!

Picture Parade

Pics have been ordered and delivered so I figure it's ok to slap them up here. We don't actually HAVE our pics in hand yet but we should have them sometime this week. I can't tell you how excited I am to see them in person!

~~

I'm sure the actual photos look even better than these as the pics shown below were sent to us in low definition. Lower definition? Less high quality? Hell, I don't know what it's called. But I DO know the photographer said these were sent in a quick format and are less sharp and bright than the originals.

My family...unplugged. And un-posterized. Just the four of us in all our white and tan glory. Have I ever told you how much I love these three guys?

My two rugrats. I simply adore them both and am thrilled they have an awesome relationship. THAT means the world to me.

The whole damn Twomey family. These pics have been a dream of my mother-in-law for as long as I can remember. Top left: John's mom and dad with grandson Ethan and John's brother Brian with girlfriend Brittany, Left corner: John's sister Jen and her other 2 kiddos, Gabby and Matias (Ethan is also hers),
Right side: US!!

The whole damn family yet again. I like this pic better than the one above. Yes, they are both posed shots. But this one just looks more natural. And natural ALWAYS looks better in my book.

I cropped John and I out of the above pic cuz I thought we looked ok. Which is saying a lot since I'm never crazy about pics of me. Him, I love in photos. Me, not so much.

Although Danielle wasn't in the actual family shots, my mom-in-law wanted to get a shot of her with CJ. I think it came out pretty good!! (And yes Danielle and CJ - you can now both put this pic up on your blogs or FB pages!)