Saturday afternoon, this dog:
Turned into this:
And the ONLY thing that kept him from doing this to my arm or leg:
Was this amazing contraption:
(A virtual high five to whomever invented the baby gate. Or in our house, a wiener gate. Cuz we use these little marvels of invention to keep the wieners out of certain areas of the house. Who knew it would save my life?)
~~~
I SUSPECT the reason Chauncey became the smallest Cujo in the land, was because I had the shear audacity to come between him and this:
His kill.Which, without exaggerating AT ALL, was almost as big as him.~~~
Now, before you ask HOW IN GOD'S NAME A BABY GATE SAVED MY LIFE, let me fill you in on one key piece of info. Cuz without it, this whole MM post makes no sense.~~~
Sir Chomps-a-lot aka Chompers aka Killer, didn't just catch and kill that ginormous squirrel you see pictured above (and yes, that IS the actual victim).He actually brought the mother effin' rodent INTO MY HOUSE. Where he then proceeded to peel off his normal wiener dog exterior and morph into the scariest angry hot dog I have ever seen.~~~
I managed to grab the wiener gate as he charged at me and Connor, who had come to see what his crazy mother was screaming about. Chauncey's teeth were gnashing and the wiener spit was flying. I actually looked like a damn lion tamer trying to keep this ferocious beast at bay.~~~ It was seriously not funny. He meant business. ~~
He came at me time and time again, biting at the gate as I tried to keep him away from the squirrel. In the meantime, Connor used 2 pieces of firewood to pick up the newly deceased creature and toss it outside. Which, had I NOT been fighting off a possessed wiener, wold have been comical. Cuz two fat pieces of firewood do not make good chopsticks. Kudos to Connor for managing to pick up the critter without making a mess.~~~
At this point, I'd like to tell you that removing the offending rodent ended this incredibly unpleasant experience. ~~~
But it didn't.~~~
Cuz although the critter was no longer in the house, apparently it's scent was. And along with the scent of fresh kill, we were left with one pissed off wiener dog. One pissed off wiener dog that did NOT appreciate having his kill stolen.~~~
In our defense, neither Connor nor I had any idea that Chauncey aka Killer was still gunning for blood. Neither of us gave any thought as to allowing both Chauncey and Fenway into the family room once the kill was removed. I assumed (stupidly) that no dead animal meant no problem.~~~
Wrong. Very, very wrong.~~~
And sadly, my stupidity greatly affected this little angel:
Our best guess? Fenway got a little TOO CLOSE to the spot where Killer had initially deposited his prize trophy....a spot that obviously still smelled like dead rodent.
Next thing I know, I hear screeching coming from the back room, screeching like I've never heard before. When I ran back to the family room, I found Chauncey attacking Fenway. And again, he looked like he meant business.
~~~
Not proud to say it, but I sort of kicked him off of her. I say sort of cuz it happened so fast, I'm not actually sure what I did. All I know is I shoved my UGG wearing foot into his belly and (I think) punted him away.
~~~
Fenway managed to escape and ran yelping into the kitchen. Once again, wiener gate came to the rescue. I used it to block Killer out of the kitchen as I checked on Fenny. She was bleeding from the ear which made sense once I realized she appeared to be missing a chunk of it. Poor Fenny.
~~~
The craziest part of it all? From beginning to end, and by end I mean the point when Killer returned to his normal wiener self, the entire incident lasted about 20 minutes. ONLY 20 MINUTES. Of course, I think I LOST a good year of my life dealing with it!
~~~
We always wondered what would happen if/when one of our wieners caught up with the wiley squirrels that taunt them from our fence daily. After all, wiener dogs were bred to scent, chase, and flush out badgers and other burrow-dwelling animals as well as to hunt smaller prey.
~~~
Guess we no longer need to wonder.
~~~
(Please God? If you're reading this blog, could you prevent my pups from ever catching another rodent? Or at the very least, could you make our local squirrel population smarter? Thanks. I'd really appreciate it. And so would Fenway. She doesn't want to lose any more of her ear.)
We'll use phrases like BOY OH BOY...cuz BOY OH BOY, does this look like it hurts.
And lastly, BLECH, BLECH, BLECH....cuz no other words describes the above pic as well as BLECH.
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Normally, flaking off skin wouldn't be something I'd label as morbid. But this one? This one is just nasty. Really, really nasty. And makes me want to gag. Really, really gag.
The female anatomy as a NORMAL SIZED PART OF THE FEMALE BODY is fine. But as (what appears) to be a FREAKISHLY GINORMOUS PAPIER MACHE BIKE RIDING (doesn't it look like its sitting on a bike?) representation of the female anatomy, it's gross. Really, really gross. And angry looking. Doesn't it look like it's yelling?
