Yesterday and today were wonderfully amazing.
We are BEYOND proud of our amazing second born son. Connor has graduated high school and is preparing to start on the next chapter of his life.
A HUGE accomplishment, one that takes our breath away.
And he did it DESPITE the hellish year we have endured.
I stand in awe of his strength and fortitude.
I truly could not be more impressed with him than I am today.
Yet, yesterday and today were so bittersweet and utterly sad at the same time.
I am not sure if, over the last 13 months, I have ever been more aware of what's missing in our family. I can literally see CJ's graduation party as if it was only a moment ago. I can see him wearing the same maroon cap and gown, standing in the same places around our house, posing for the same pictures. I can see him everywhere that day...and I can see his brother by his side.
Because Connor WAS there for his brother's graduation. And party. And celebration.
He WAS in the family pictures and in the pictures of just my two boys.
Yesterday and today, CJ was NOT in those pictures. Or at the party. Or involved in the celebration.
It was one of the saddest moments I've had since my first born son took his life.
I did everything in my power to be happy for Connor and our guests. To show the world how proud I am of him. I smiled all day so Connor would know I love him.
Made it until 10:00 tonight. Then I lost it.
Cried on my son's shoulder as he held me and handed me many Kleenex. I cried a lot. I cried because I am blessed to have such a strong son. I cried because I never want him to think he can't come to us. But mostly I cried because he no longer has a big brother....that one single thought trumps all other thoughts.
So I cried on my strong son's shoulder as he held me and listened to my weepy rantings.
I love him even more now for doing that. He really is growing up.
I did not realize how hard this day would be. I feel physically and emotionally drained.
Just didn't know these feelings would blindside me like they did.
I love both my sons to the moon and back.
I would give up my life if I could bring them back together.
I honestly would.
The tears just keep coming...
6 Wienerific Comments:
congratulations Connor... and just hugs...
So thankful you have Connor to lean on when you need him most. He is such an amazing young man and I see parts of his big brother in him all the time in his caring ways. Love to you and Connor. Congratulations on his huge achievement.
Congratulation to Connor, what he has achieved is truly amazing. Continued hugs (I wish they worked better!).
Hallie, so proud of Connor. For graduating, yes. But for really so much more.
Much love to you all.
Congratulations to your wonderful son. Job well done. in many ways. You are so lucky to have him.
Congratulations Connor! Bigger and better things await you and I know you are so relieved to be done with high school...Life is a beautiful gift and whatever you choose to do in your future...be happy!
P.S. Your Dad will take care of your Mom...you go get em!!
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