If the day comes when the pain is less, I'll tell you.
If the time comes when the guilt diminishes, I'll tell you.
If the morning comes when the nightmare isn't so vivid, I'll tell you that too.
Trust me.
I will.
Until then, stop telling ME those things will happen.
I just don't believe you.
I want to, but I can't.
I can't imagine a time when I'll feel any differently than I did then...than I do now.
No amount of time will ever make me un-know what I know. Make me un-hear what I heard. Make me un-see what I saw.
His death isn't what haunts me. Death is part of life. I get that.
If it was just his death I was grieving, I might believe you.
But it's not just his death.
It's everything about his death....the circumstance...the sounds...the smell...the method...the placement...the tragedy....the unending visuals...the why.
Suicide not only robbed me of my son, it robbed me of "normal" grief.
I am a shell of what I was.
Smiling hurts so much now.
A painful mask.
Yet I wear it.
For what lies beneath is so much worse.
16 Wienerific Comments:
Oh, how I wish that I had some awesome magical words of comfort. Your pain breaks my heart. I think about you, I think about CJ every single day.
Big healing hugs.
I am sure you have heard all of this from a thousand people before, but I want to really encourage you to find a support group for suicide survivors if you haven't already. And don't just go a couple of times and decide it isn't for you, but make a commitement to go for at least six months. Suicide IS different-but it doesn't have to criplle you forever. I send hugs.
I agree with Kori...it doesn't have to cripple you forever.
The only suggestion in addition to the million you've received, is medication. I would not be here if it weren't for Paxil. Between panic disorder, OCD and perfectionism...it was about to destroy me.
It's the worst that could happen Hallie and especially the way CJ did it. It's affected the way I talk to my son. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and that is ridiculous. I have NO CONTROL over what he does, or anyone else for that matter. I could hug him and say I love you and he still decide to do it.
I hugged my Dad and told him I loved him and he still crashed into the mountain and died. We just do not have control. Period.
Love and BIG hugs hon...
How is John coping with this? Any differently? Just wondering...
no preaching from me Hallie, love never ends.
I love you Hallie. I send prayers out for you, John and Connor every day.
Just continuing to pick up my boulder and carry it for you. For as long as you need. As often as you need.
xoox
I don't know you and you don't know me. I came upon your blog several months ago, after CJ's death. So I went back and read your tragic story. So many times I have wanted to leave a comment about your broken heart and your broken life, but words always fail me. No empty platitudes, because I don't know the depth of your loss, I've never experienced it. I"m not going to say it will get easier, because I have no idea if it really will. I don't know what I would do in your place. All I really want to say is that I am so very sorry for your heartache. And I think you are a remarkable woman to be able to function every day with so much pain going on inside of you. I hope some day your pain does lessen a bit, and you just maybe have some peace of mind.
Only you can truly understand what it is like to have gone through this absolute HELL on earth, dear Hals. I cannot imagine and neither can anyone else. I will never profess to comprehend what you have been through, nor will I ever tell you how to get through it. But I do have faith that you WILL make it through and I will continue to be here with you while you do...Even if it is just from afar.
Love you, friend.
I don't understand why people feel the need to say those kinds of things to you.
I don't understand any of this. I just wish I could give you cj back.
love and hugs
The visuals, they kill me too Chicka. Our pains are different, yet so much the same. Not a second goes by I don't think of him, then those damn visuals come into play. Something went very wrong, he had 5 more seconds to live. Five seconds, damn. You know, we used to be the funniest couple {Couple, yea I just said that lol} on the web. Now our grief is all we have. I think of you guys every single day. How I wish our paths would have crossed in a so much more happier way.
Love you!!
Kim
I wouldn't expect you to get over this or ever feel better or have it hurt any less. People who tell you that must not have a heart. Because any loss is painful, but the loss you suffer is so profound I don't know how you get up in the morning. Just know I think of you always (even if I don't comment or message you as much...and I'm sorry for that. So sorry my life is so turbulent I don't take the time. But I will try harder) and send you love every day.
I love you, Hallie. That's all I know to say.
SB
My love is unconditional. I didn't witness CJ's death and will never hurt like you hurt, but I miss him each and every day. That part I understand. You just keep doing what you need to do and I will be lighting candles, keeping you in prayer for peace with the situating and loving you with every breath I have.
Just stopping by to let you know I am thinking about you. I wish there was something I could write that would chip away at your pain. I can't even begin to know what you are going through ....((hug))
I've read your blog for a couple of years and always enjoyed your sense of humor and your style. You probably don't remember you had a sense of humor, but you did. Grief is such an individual process. No one can tell you to grieve, to stop grieving, how to grieve, or how long to grieve. As a mother, it'll be forever. But, you already know that. I'm just sending up prayers for you to feel some sort of peace as you carry your grief.
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