Material things do not ease pain. Or fill gaping holes in broken hearts.
Not that we truly believed they would. We simply HOPED (while drinking the largest glass of invisible yet powerful denial juice) that our new "things" would happily numb us to the point where we weren't crying at least twice a day.
Yep, that was our wish.
Didn't come true.
At all.
Since CJ chose to end his life with a gun, we have purchased some stuff. Stuff we didn't necessarily need but stuff we had always wanted. Stuff that gives us AT LEAST brief moments of smiles AT LEAST once in awhile.
None of them do much more than that. Maybe they let us "forget" for a moment or two. Or maybe, if we're really lucky, almost and hour or two. But that's it.
Walk away from these things, heck, look away from these things and the worst possible reality awaits us.
It's cold hearted kick in the gut waits for us no matter how much new STUFF we fill our lives with.
Nope, stuff doesn't make this better.
None of it does.
Not John's new Audi TT convertible that Connor and he flew to Alabama to purchase and then drove home to Maine.
Not our new 60" gorgeous wall mounted LED flat screen TV.
Not my new 2012 Volvo S60 T5 that does everything but my laundry.
Not my new Prada bag, THE PRADA BAG I always dreamed of owning yet knew unless I won the lottery, I would never own. No one was more shocked than I when a family member purchased it for me in a loving attempt to make me smile.
None of it.
Means anything to me.
None of it.
Means more to me than my son.
None of it.
Means my son will come back.
None of it.
Means my heart will ever stop breaking.
We got new stuff.
Yet, my heart still dies a little more each day.
Aren't I lucky?
Not that we truly believed they would. We simply HOPED (while drinking the largest glass of invisible yet powerful denial juice) that our new "things" would happily numb us to the point where we weren't crying at least twice a day.
Yep, that was our wish.
Didn't come true.
At all.
Since CJ chose to end his life with a gun, we have purchased some stuff. Stuff we didn't necessarily need but stuff we had always wanted. Stuff that gives us AT LEAST brief moments of smiles AT LEAST once in awhile.
None of them do much more than that. Maybe they let us "forget" for a moment or two. Or maybe, if we're really lucky, almost and hour or two. But that's it.
Walk away from these things, heck, look away from these things and the worst possible reality awaits us.
It's cold hearted kick in the gut waits for us no matter how much new STUFF we fill our lives with.
Nope, stuff doesn't make this better.
None of it does.
Not John's new Audi TT convertible that Connor and he flew to Alabama to purchase and then drove home to Maine.
Not our new 60" gorgeous wall mounted LED flat screen TV.
Not my new 2012 Volvo S60 T5 that does everything but my laundry.
Not my new Prada bag, THE PRADA BAG I always dreamed of owning yet knew unless I won the lottery, I would never own. No one was more shocked than I when a family member purchased it for me in a loving attempt to make me smile.
None of it.
Means anything to me.
None of it.
Means more to me than my son.
None of it.
Means my son will come back.
None of it.
Means my heart will ever stop breaking.
We got new stuff.
Yet, my heart still dies a little more each day.
Aren't I lucky?
8 Wienerific Comments:
not that this will help a bit...but you have helped me learn that stuff is stuff ... and that trying ... going that extra 10 miles in some cases is worth the time and effort even though it does not always make a huge difference to "them" it does to me.
and that people are more than anything else... and that I can live with a bruised heart... not sure about a crushed one... but you know what i am talking about...
anyway thank you for teaching me... and I hope and pray that there is something I can help teach you too... and that when it comes your heart and mind are in the place to find it use it and believe it...because even with all the hell you have gone through are living in and will face in the future... there is some amazing good, wonderful, lovely, fun, fully God blessed things to come in the future too...
love you hugs you and always got a shoulder here when you need it.
Oh, Hallie. I hurt so much when I read this. I know you know stuff doesn't mean anything. I know. I wish you didn't have that knowledge. That loss. But I also know you know how very fleeting and precious life is. And you must find pockets of enjoyment and moments of contentment. Now more than ever. I know the stuff will never bring back CJ, that you would trade it all for one more day. I pray for you John and Connor every single day. That God will give you some peace. I second what Laura said, too. You've always got two girls in Georgia that are here for your whenever you need us.
xoxox
I totally understand, Hallie. Nothing is worth a damn except the people we love.
We lost our 31-year-old daughter very suddenly 13 years ago. There is nothing on this earth that will ever make that better..no things can replace her. Sounds like you have been blessed with a lot of very nice "stuff"--isn't it so sad that none of it makes any difference when the one you love and miss so much cannot enjoy it with you!
Truly--I understand.
My son has been talking about suicide for years now.
In March he mentioned that he discovered that he wants to be alive.
Now it's July and he seems to be holding to that decision.
Love,
-w
My heart aches for you. I am always praying for your comfort and strength. I am so sorry and wish I could give you peace.
((HUGS))
Maybe instead of "stuff" you could start a small scholarship fund in CJ's name at his high school. To be able to help a graduating student every spring would be a great memorial to your son.
Love from Minnesota
Marie
I feel terrible asking this of you...but it suddenly dawned on me that you unfortunately can relate (at least somewhat?) to this situation. A very dear friend lost her beloved 4 mo old granddaughter earlier this week - it happened while she was caring for the child. The funeral was today. The guilt and grief...she is understandably inconsolable. I speak w/her daily...please, please tell me: what can I say, what can I do, to ease her pain even the tiniest bit? Is there anything??
Thank you
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