We donated blood as a family on Monday in a continued effort to honor CJ's memory. It was Connor's first official time - he tried to donate at the blood drive we held in CJ's name but was turned away due to the tattoo he got of CJ's initials. So very proud of him for agreeing to try again AND for offering to do so every 56 days from here on out. Made an enormous mistake signing up to have us donate at the same hospital where CJ died. It never dawned on me that the last time I walked through those doors, I was saying goodbye to my beloved son. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Tried desperately not to cry. Had to blink away a lot of tears. Won't make that mistake again.
Someone I love and cherish believes that the first year of this nightmare was walked by us all in shock. That only now, as the shock wears thin, are we truly having to "live" again. That everyday is so damn hard because, without the shock to mask the pain, every second is painfully real. I sadly agree.
I always knew that someday my kids would grow up and move on with their lives. But when one of your children won't ever come home again, it makes letting go of the other one nearly impossible. I'm truly thrilled for Connor that he's starting on this new chapter but watching him walk out that door is harder than I ever imagined.
I'm really sad. Sadder than most people will ever know. I often wonder if anyone sees how really dead inside I am. Probably not. Why would they want to?
Someone I love and cherish believes that the first year of this nightmare was walked by us all in shock. That only now, as the shock wears thin, are we truly having to "live" again. That everyday is so damn hard because, without the shock to mask the pain, every second is painfully real. I sadly agree.
I always knew that someday my kids would grow up and move on with their lives. But when one of your children won't ever come home again, it makes letting go of the other one nearly impossible. I'm truly thrilled for Connor that he's starting on this new chapter but watching him walk out that door is harder than I ever imagined.
I'm really sad. Sadder than most people will ever know. I often wonder if anyone sees how really dead inside I am. Probably not. Why would they want to?
4 Wienerific Comments:
I can't even imagine the depths of your pain.
I can tell you that I think about it when I get aggravated with my (18 yo) son. I try not to sweat the small stuff, and tell him how proud I am, and not leave mad.
xoxo
The depth of your pain is very personal. We can imagine but can't know. Those who have lost a child know your pain and those who have lost a child to suicide know how deep your pain goes yet each person has their own. My heart is always with you. I am thrilled for Connor but I worry about your quiet home when he is gone. I will be praying for your comfort and strength. ((HUGS))
Hal, I think you are absolutely right about the shock wearing off. It's having to relive it all again. Every day. I don't have any words of wisdom or comfort. Just know I continue to pray for you - by name, outloud - every day. Love and peace, friend.
I had heard once that the second year of a great loss is often harder than the first because things start to be come more real. I think you are right, the shock wears off and you start coming to grips with how life is now going to be. We are going through that now with the upcoming second anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. I can't imagine what you are going through but I do know trying to navigate your life while missing someone is so very hard. I am hear for you always (even if I don't call or text like I should, so sorry about that) Love you my friend.
Post a Comment