Can't stop thinking that although life is hard, it can get way harder....for no reason.
Out of the blue, I find myself distraught all over again. The last 2 weeks have been really hard. And I'm not sure why.
CJ is still gone. He hasn't come back. He hasn't shot himself all over again. He's as dead and gone as he was almost 19 months ago.
Yet, his loss is as fresh as it was then. It really is. (Don't blame you if you don't believe that. Seems impossible even to me.)
I can be thinking, "what's for dinner" or "I really need to call Kimmy" one second then SEE the shattered glass of his car window, HEAR me screaming over and over, SMELL the antiseptic stench of his hospital room as if it's happening all over again.
And if I can't stop the onslaught of memories, I end up fixated on those last moments.
The last words we spoke. The last argument. The look on his face as he ran out of the house.
His swollen head.
His poor swollen head.
Bandaged. Bleeding. Enormous.
Touching his prickly military haircut.
Kissing his head...carefully. Trying not to hurt him with my kiss. How the hell could I hurt him anymore than he already was?
Holding his hand in mine.
Saying goodbye to my son.
I. Had. To. Say. Goodbye. To. My. Son.
Because. He. Ended. His. Life.
With. A. Gun. To. His. Head.
I'm drowning slowly.
Pain....an endless ocean.
Grief....one hell of an undertow.
17 Wienerific Comments:
I believe you. It doesn't seem impossible at all to me. I wish with all my heart that I could help you, but all I have is understanding, support and prayers. You are in my thoughts daily.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))
Oh Hallie. I think of you and pray for you as much as I can. I'm so sorry you're hurting, my friend.
I can only agree with Kelly. You are in my prayers.
I don't have any problem believing it hurts as bad now as it did when CJ died, Hallie. I think it's probably normal, considering what you went through.
You are in my thoughts.
SB
I love you Hallie!
There is relief in prayer.
I realize that this is a stretch for you, but then you would never have believed that it could be this bad.
God is available to you, and He offers relief.
Love,
-will
Continuing to mourn for you and hurt with you. I am so, so sorry. I believe you. I wish I didn't.
You're still on my prayer list. Maybe that also seems impossible to some people. (((hugs)))
You have no idea how many times you and your family just pop into my head. Someone I've never even met.
Your sense of humor entertained me many times, even though most of the time I avoided Mondays. (Long time readers, you know why!)
That sense of humor is still in there somewhere and it may be a long, long time, but I hope that it comes out again..... some day.....sooner rather than later.
I have no words of comfort because I don't think there are any.
Hallie,
I have no idea if you already are, but have you thought about seeing a therapist? Someone who can help you with your grief. I don't want to over-step here, I just can't imagine being in such intense pain for so long. I would try anything for some relief.
I think of you often, Hallie, and hope your pain is a little less each day. Wishful thinking, I know, but I wish it for you nonetheless. CJ is always alive in your heart.
I noticed Connor has gone off to college, and so I assume you are now emptynesters. That alone is another new adjustment.
I admire your courage.
{{{ Hallie & John }}}
Sending a HUG and
always my prayers.
xo xo
Deb
Maybe I am incredibly stupid and almost a hundred years too late, but my friend, Hallie, I never could express my desire to help to you and how I hurt for you. I can't take your grief away but I never wanted you to think I stopped caring, because I haven't and I never will stop caring. You grief is as valid today as it was 19 months ago and will be years from now. I just wish I knew how to help you, but maybe I can't becasue I guess I failed as a friend to let you know that I still care and never will stop caring. Maybe this is just a stupid statement from a web friend you never met, but it makes me even sadder to know you are gone from fb.
Hallie, My 6 year old cousin had a successful heart transplant this week. We watch him grow stronger with joy but we always pray for those left behind hurting with empty arms. Thank you for the gift you gave another family even when your own heart was broken and your soul ripped apart. Please know that people are thinking of you and praying for peace for you and your family.
I don't have the words for how deeply sad I am for you. I have no idea what it feels like to go through what you're going through... But I do know that what you're describing is post traumatic stress disorder. I hope eventually when you're ready you can seek some sort of therapy, or even just speaking to your doctor about some of these feelings. Your hurt will never go away, I know that... But I know from first hand experience that therapy (when used at the right time and with the right therapist) can be amazing. When you're ready, if you ask your doctor I'm sure she/he would be able to help you find a good match. Good luck. My thoughts are with you and your family. <3
Hallie: Can't imagine your pain. Just wish you didn't have to have this and your family was whole. although I haven't been able to read much this year, I think of you and your family often. Take care Hallie.
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