When you begin to dread opening something up for fear of what you might see, it’s time to walk away.
When you start resenting other’s happiness…when you find yourself cringing at every mention of joy…when you realize that you’re wishing for a little less bliss for everyone…..it’s REALLY time to walk away.
And when you start hating yourself for feeling all those things, something has to give.
Because honestly?
I hate myself enough already. Adding more hate to the equation isn’t helpful.
But walking away was hard.
For me.
It was.
For others, maybe not.
But me?
It was.
For 19+ months, it’s provided more support than not. It’s offered me a lifeline to the world outside my own private hell. It’s shown me how loved I am…how loved my whole family is…how missed CJ will always be.
Basically, it’s made me feel less alone.
Which is good.
Because CJ’s suicide made me feel more alone than any other time in my life.
My son argued with me. My son ran outside. My son put a gun to his head. My son pulled the trigger. My son ended his life.
How many moms get to say that?
Very few. Thankfully.
Alone in my own special hell.
Yeah me.
So it helped. More than not…most days.
But not all days.
Which is why I left.
Words aren’t always helpful.
Not even when they come from a “helpful” place.
Sometimes, THOSE words are the least helpful of all.
I’m not CHOOSING this misery. I’m not CHOOSING this pain. I’m not CHOOSING to be as crushed and destroyed and devastated as I am.
Who would choose that?
Some comments, some updates, some emails seem to insinuate that I was. That I am.
NO OFFENSE INTENDED is the exact wrong way to start a “supportive” email.
LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT is utter BS to a mom whose son took his life. Do you believe this is what I wanted my life to be like? For his life to be like? For ANYONE’S life to be like?
I want your friendship. I need your support. I CRAVE your words.
But I can’t handle the SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON advice.
So I walked away.
And believed I’d stay away. I really did.
For one week I stayed away.
Wasn’t wonderful but it was necessary.
Had to decide if it helped more than it hurt.
Still not totally sure.
But I’m back...for now.
23 Wienerific Comments:
I don't know you and I don't want to say anything--ANYTHING--to hurt you.
Although it was not from suicide, I lost my beloved daughter (she was only 31) 13 years ago. I have never gotten over it. I know I never will.
She had a 7-year-old and a husband she loved, and we loved her more than words can say. Her son is now 20, and he is still traumatized from finding his mother dead in her bed and being with her for hours before anyone came. What he went through is more than any child should have to go through.
I KNOW you know how it feels to love your child more than you love your own life..I know you would trade places with your son in a heartbeat if it would bring him back.
I can't imagine that people would tell you to "suck it up and move on!" I can't imagine someone telling you "move on" or "Get with it" or "Just remember the good times", etc. That is cruel--although I'm sure they don't mean to be cruel in any way. I've had the same things said to me.
I know how empty my heart is because my first baby is gone and I can't talk to her anymore or see her sweet face--and I know something of what you feel. Not the same circumstance--no--but she is still gone forever. And I loved her more than my life--and I know you loved your son more than your own life. I would have gladly given my life for hers, and I know you would have given yours if CJ could only come back. I can't tell you to "move on" or Get with it"--because I know your heart is destroyed and will always be broken.
I want to give you hope--and I guess the only thing I an say is, "I wish you peace someday." I can only tell you this with tears in my eyes for you and for me, as well.
I so wish I could say something, anything, to make you feel better, and I just pray I haven't made your day any worse because I commented.That is the very last thing I would want to do to someone who is in such a horrible place in their life. I'm just so very, very sorry for your pain. There is nothing as terribly painful as losing a child....and the way you lost your son is more painful than even I can imagine. I am so , so sorry that it happened to you.
I think of you so often... my heart ACHES for you & your world you live in now :( I'm so sorry.
I actually dont ever comment because I'm so afraid I'll offend you or make your pain worse, but just wanted to post today. My husbands friend of over 25 years took his life this week. We have no idea why... he was just standing in our living room on Saturday... & then he hung himself on Sunday.
This is a friend & my husband has taken so much on his shoulder with the "if only"... said something that let him know I was his friend.. I'd seen the signs... I knew what the next day held.
I tell you this because while friendship is something powerful, a child? I cant even imagine... so I just wanted to say that I continue to pray for you. Cant imagine your emotions & how you feel... but I know its gotta be hard, & hurtful & torturous on some days. I'm just sorry you have to deal with the loss of your child.
Suicide... such a sad thing... even for those left behind.
HUGGING YOU from afar.
I'm shocked and saddened that people can be so careless in their commentary and unsolicited "advice".
How dare anyone tell you how to feel or think or behave? I hate this so much for you. You and your family are frequently on my mind.
Sending you much love.
((HUGS)) I pray for your peace. I know a few women who lost their children to suicide and many more who have buried their children. It is the most tragic thing for a parent to live through. In my heart I know that CJ did not kill himself because of an arguement you had with him! He didn't mean to hurt you in this way and I know that he would take it back if he knew he was going to distroy your life too.
I am just going to say, I love you, and pray for your family daily. As I have said before, my sister committed suicide, and her husband had her cremated before my Mom could even say goodbye, or the siblings to say goodbye. There was no final closure, no goodbyes, no touching her. It's hard, but I haven't lost a child, my Mom has, so I can't know how you feel exactly. CJ didn't do this to hurt you, he did it, because he was hurting for some reason. I love your family Hallie, and I will never tell you how to feel or how to live your life. I know how hard it is for me, and can not imagine your feelings. Please know I am here, I think of you daily, as well as pray for you daily also.
Hugs from Ohio~
God Bless~
Debbie
All I can say is {{{HUGS}}}
I love you Hallie!
(((HUGS)))
I have never left a comment here, in fact I'm not even sure I remember how I found you. Anyway, let's hope I don't trip all over my words.
I heard a rabbi explain 'sitting shiva' with a family after a death. The idea is to go visit the family who is 'sitting shiva' and just sit with them. Don't do or say anything until they speak first. After all you're not there to make it better, provide answers, take away the sadness or the pain. And so it is, we the readers are sitting shiva with you. We know that there is nothing we can do or say to explain, fix, heal, answer anything you are experiencing. We don't have the luxury of not saying anything because we say things in our comments to let you know that you are not alone. We are here with you.
Our society is uncomfortable with the uncomfortable. We don't know how to "just be". So, in an attempt to be supportive and at the same time ease our discomfort at the uncomfortable, we stick or proverbial foot in our mouth.
It's been a year already get over it, means I am uncomfortable with the fact I don't know what else to do for you.
I am truly sorry for your loss, one that will be profoundly felt every day for the rest of your life. I can not imagine the depths of that pain and hurt and loss. I hope that someday it is less and that your heart hurts a little less.
I lost my son two years ago to suicide. I have a co-worker who thinks I should just get over it... they have no idea what they are saying. They don't get it they have not suffered the pain we deal with every day...no one should have to deal with this kind of pain. We do the best we can, some days are easier then others... some suck.
I lost my son, Jay, twenty months ago. When you wrote, "When you start resenting other’s happiness…when you find yourself cringing at every mention of joy…when you realize that you’re wishing for a little less bliss for everyone".....you were writing just how I have been feeling.
Big hugs, Hallie. I've said it before, but no one, absolutely no one, should be telling you what you "should" be feeling or doing. They have absolutely no idea what you are going through.
I am so sorry that people still feel the need to try and direct your feelings.
No one has a right to tell you to get over it. You feel the way you feel and that's that. Anyone who says otherwise is uncomfortable themseleves and doesn't deserve to be your friend. Because friends understand that you just can't move on. Your life is forever changed. We have been getting a lot of flak from people this year because we don't want to do anything for Thanksgiving. It was the last meal my FIL ate before he passed and the holiday has no special meaning any more. But people say "oh you should do dinner in his honor." No, I'm sorry. The idea of cookinging anything makes me feel ill. I don't want to do it. We don't want to have that reminder because it's too hard.
I wish I could take away your pain for even just a little bit. I am here for you and I love you my friend.
Sending you nothing but love and supportive hugs!
Welcome back, beautiful.
My son hasn't mentioned suicide in several months. We're having him over for supper on Thanksgiving.
If you decide you want to try prayer for relief, just let me know. I'll be happy to explain it.
Thanks,
-w
wrm@alaska.net
Grief is very personal and takes the joy from your life. It just does. You can't get relief. I've heard it said that your pain is your pain and no one else's. Theirs is not greater than yours but it's theirs. And yours is yours. You don't ever have to feel that you have to explain to people nor compare their pain to yours.
I wish you peace and maybe some joy soon. One day a little will steal in and you will recognize it because you have been in hell first.
I am very thankful that you have your husband and son to love you.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
My deepest sympathy to you and your beautiful son and husband. (I lurk every now and then...forgot why I stumbled onto your blog?)
I just wanted to share...from experience....and it is a little awkward and I apologize in advance for the length.
I think almost every single cause of a loss of life pales next to suicide. Even murder I think. Because someone we love MAKES that decision and it was not made "for them". (Unless it's "terminal asssisted suicide" when loved ones are on board?)
Suicide leaves so many victims, so much guilt and grief, as well as tremendous anger, which just incurs more guilt. And one never "gets over" or "moves on from" that kind of loss...ever.
I experienced it as a 13 yr old, and I am 64 and it might as well have been today. So much of my adult life, as well as school years growing up, have been directly impacted and formed by that one horrific decision by someone in my life.
I thought, through my entire youth into adulthood, that somehow it was related to my behavior, something I did,or did not do. Self-blame is the cross survivors usually always carry.
Sometimes the only way to cope is to cherish every single moment with loved ones and embrace the sadness, the grief...not run from it or try to suppress it.It is a part of you and who you now are.
Everyone holds and deals with grief differently..it is not helpful or loving to expect one to "move on" or "deal with it".
The one regret I have is that I never got involved in a "Suicide Survivors Group"...but in those days one did not have that opportunity because sadly, noone talked about it. Like depression/mental illness, suicide was a verbotten subject.
I think it would have helped greatly to have had someone to talk to about it.But that is just the way things were then.
I am sorry I have rambled and been so long winded.
Be kind to yourself. And let those who will, hold and comfort you.It helps them too.
Hugs and hugs..L.D.
I will never know the words to say to you, because I haven't walked in your shoes. But I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. Please don't let the words of a few take away the love of so many. We're here. We'll always be here. Prayers for peace and love and comfort for you always.
I can't believe anyone would think that you are choosing this path. Shame on them.
Bill is still deeply affected by the suicide of a friend of his many moons ago; it's definitely not something you just get over.
I think of you often, more than I ever say.
Well said, Ms.Batman. We are here to let you know you are not alone. We can't make you feel better, we can just maybe provide a tiny light in your darkness.
I've no idea how I found your blog, but I've been following it pretty much since your son made his choice.
Someone very dear to me commited suicide ten years ago, and it took me a while, years, to learn to live with it. I failed college (straight As, and suddenly fell, took me two years to get kicked out) and moved to another city to fail again, since there was nothing else in my head except her.
I don't know if you EVER get over the death of a son, I just hope you someday do. And I don't mean forgetting him, I mean when you're finally going around your day, not constantly thinking "I could've done something and he'd still be here".
There are a lot of things we can't choose. You never chose what happened to your son, and now the only choice you have left is what you are going to do for the rest of your life.
I'm not telling you to suck it up, you don't have to, because it's you who in the end decides what you need, what you want.
All I'm saying is: It's the rest of YOUR life what's ahead. If you're 20, if you're 60, it doesn't matter, it's still your life, all its decades.
I love you, Hals and I am glad that you came back. We were friends when CJ was alive and I am not going anywhere now that he is not. You helped me to get through the first years of my brother's sudden death, through the fight for my nieces and for the ultimate loss of them. I am standing by your side.
Hugs,
Deb
I stumbled on to your blog and when I read this I cried.
I could tell you a strory, but I won't. Ths is all about you.
But, you are not alone
You have no idea who I am, and I know you because I linked on you via pioneer woman. I have read a tad of your blog and wanted to just leave you a note (I've never done this so I hope this works);
I can NOT even being to express my profound and sincere heartfelt appologise for the loss of your son. There is NO way I can even being to understand what you are going through. I can say (being a ICU/CCU/TRAUMA Nurse) that those that get left behind are left to pick up the pieces. Clearly you are plodding through this as best as you can, and to the rest of the world you are doing a terrific job! I can also say that the choice to give a piece of your son to others is such a GIFT! Thank you for opening your heart to complete strangers, and I will add you and your family to my prayers!
<3 Kjelse
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