I kissed CJ's granite urn today.

I winced, as I do everyday, as my lips made contact with the smooth black granite.

I winced, because the granite is so cold.

Bone chilling cold.

And it dawned on me.

The cold black granite that houses my son's remains mirrors the cold black void I feel in my heart.

Every time I touch his urn and remember once again what is missing from my life, a new layer of cold blackness covers my heart.

A once joyful heart filled with optimism and the promise of new tomorrows, is now shrouded in dark pain.

People think time is helping.

It's not.

I am not better.

I have not come to terms with this.

I am not ok.

I'm as far from ok as I could possibly be.

Nine months ago today, you left us forever.

You died.

You've been gone longer than I carried you inside of me.

You arrived early.
You left early.

So many tears.

When a tragedy hits you…when it first hits you, it’s the end of the world. It’s like being dumped in the ocean during a storm. The water tosses you and thrashes you and there is nothing you can do but try to stay afloat.

Part of you – MAYBE EVEN MOST OF YOU – doesn’t want to keep your head above water.

You want to stop fighting and just sink away.

But you can’t. The survival instinct won’t let you – or maybe, as in my case, it’s because you have another child to raise. I don’t know. Either way, like it or not, you stay afloat.

After awhile, the storm part is over.

BUT THAT’S WHEN IT GETS EVEN WORSE.

You're now washed up onshore but all that thrashing and tossing caused irreparable harm. You’re in tremendous pain.

And that’s still not the end of it.

BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE LEFT WITH AN AWFUL ALTERNATIVE.

You can try to move past the pain.

You can try to get on with your life and try to forget.

But for me, forgetting would be too obscene.

I couldn’t betray my son like that.

The pain may be enormous, but how could I go on if I abandon him?

He existed.

He was real.

And I miss him with every fiber of my being.

Nine months.

One gun.

A single decision that changed me forever.

I love you Shmoops....always and forever.

For John...

I HATE that this song reminds me of you...of us...but it does.

Because without you, I would be nothing.

Amongst all my tears, don't ever forget how much I love you.

Thank you for giving me two amazing boys.

Thank you even more for holding me up when one of them was ripped from heart.

You are simply awesome.



Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.

I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,

but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,

and in the end, when life has got you down,

you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.


So hold on to me tight,

hold on to me tonight.

We are stronger here together,

than we could ever be alone.

So hold on to me,

don't you ever let me go.


There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,

but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.

Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,

but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.

I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.


So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz it's you and me together,

and baby all we've got is time.

So hold on to me,

hold on to me tonight.


There's so many dreams that we have given up.

Take a look at all we've got,

and with this kind of love,

and what we've got here is enough.


So hold on to me tight.

Hold on, I promise it will be alright.

Cuz we are stronger here together,

than we could ever be alone.

Just hold on to me,

don't you ever let me go.

Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.

Hold on to me tonight.


Didn't they always say, we were the lucky ones?

It IS possible to be hit with an imaginary two by four.

Stand in my shoes for a minute.

Try to answer the "how many kids do you have" question.

Takes my breath away every time.

I am sadder than I've ever been.

Miss you Shmoops.

Sterling Silver Infinity Loop

...the concept of the Keepsake Pendant was born: A symbol of continuing love… a reassuring remembrance to keep close to one’s heart. In creating our pendant line, we had a simple purpose: to enable others to cope more easily, to hold a source of comfort in their hands and to find peace in their hearts. Our Keepsake Pendants bring memories to an even more personal level by holding a small portion of cremated remains, a lock of hair or dried ceremonial flowers. The pendants may be worn or displayed in a glass dome. The opportunity to choose a Keepsake Pendant presents itself only once- the comfort a Keepsake Pendant offers, lasts a lifetime.


I couldn't fathom the thought of leaving CJ behind when we escaped to Florida for the holidays.

Because of the fast action and loving hearts of several people close to me (and a very understanding funeral home director) I didn't have to.

Because of these people, I was able to take a part of CJ with me.


They truly can't know how much their kindness meant to me.



I never again have to be without my beloved son.

I will cherish it always.