Yesterday was a horrible day.

It just was.

342 days since we said goodbye to him yet yesterday it felt like it had just happened.

The pain is awful.

My heart feels like a giant festering wound.

Yesterday, it felt like someone poured acid into that wound.

Watching someone you love grieve so intensely is the worst part.

Knowing I can't do anything to make it better destroys me.

I feel helpless.

I'm acting in a play I didn't audition for.

I'm attending a school I didn't enroll in.

I'm part of team I didn't try out for.

Life is just wrong.

I am broken.

Scared.

Happy Birthday

I love everything about you.

There's not one thing I would change.

Not one single thing.

You've been amazing every minute of everyday of the last 25 years we've been together. That you chose me as your wife 20 years ago, still takes my breath away. You have always put us, your family, first...no questions asked. You have been and continue to be my rock. Without you by my side these last 11 months, I would have crumbled long ago. You tell me all the time how much you love me and how we were meant to be together.

You make me feel like YOU'RE the lucky one to have found me.

But that's where you're wrong. Because, it's ME who is the lucky one. I was blessed to find YOU. I know that you're one in a million and that the love you offer me is a once in a lifetime experience.

You are a gift.

John, I love you more than I ever thought possible.

I know this day is intensely bittersweet for you.

He's not here. And won't ever be again.

Not sure you can truly have a Happy Birthday without our Shmoops.

But I do know that he loved you enormously, just as Connor and I do.

You were and are the greatest father to our two boys.

They simply adored you.

I hope you never forget that.

Happy Birthday babe.

TLA

TLF

He was:

the light of my light

the bane of my existence

the laughter in my tears

the thorn in my side

the yin to my yang

the pain in my butt

the smile in my heart.

And now he's gone.

Doesn't escape me that I had him when I was almost 20 years old and that he left me when he was 20 years old.

Saddest coincidence ever.

Life isn't getting easier. :(

If ever there was a hero that deserved a thank you, it's my husband John. He's the reason I'm still standing eleven months after CJ committed suicide.

John is hurting and grieving more than I can describe yet he comforts both Connor and I on a daily basis. He has cried a million tears of his own yet is always by my side to wipe away mine.

He held me up as we said goodbye to our beautiful son after 27 hours in the ICU. He held my hand as we made the painful and gut wrenching decision to donate CJ's organs so that he might help save another.

He has told me repeatedly every day since this nightmare began that he loves me and would be lost without me. He has made me realize that my life is still worth living even though at times I feel otherwise.

He has tried to shelter us from the pain of his last moments with our son, when a devastated father cradled his dying son in his arms. He protects us from the tragic details that sadly come along when your child uses a gun to end his life.

He shoulders the burden of keeping our now family of three moving forward when moving forward without our son is the last thing we want to do.

He reassures me that we WILL be ok, that we WILL survive, when I know that he hardly believes it himself.

He vowed to be a better father to our remaining son as a way to honor the memory of his brother.

He carries us on this horrific journey even though he could truly benefit from someone carrying him.

He is my rock and I love him to the moon and back.

I would be lost without him.

Thank you John.

You ARE my hero.