“GIVING UP DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN YOU ARE WEAK. SOMETIMES, IT JUST MEANS YOU’RE STRONG ENOUGH TO LET GO.”

I love you CJ.

CJ's wake included a beautiful slide show of our wonderful son accompanied by the following songs. Although his wake was one of the saddest moments in my life, the music brings me comfort. I downloaded the songs from the slide show onto my laptop and listen to them over and over. It won't bring my son back but it somehow makes me feel closer to him.

My brother and sister-in-law graciously put the slide show together. It is to them I owe my heartfelt thanks for gathering songs that truly reflect my beloved Shmoops.

Thought today, if you wanted a way to connect to our CJ, you could listen to the songs in the order they were played that day.

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

Shower The People - James Taylor

He's My Son - Mark Schulz

Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Water Is Wide - James Taylor

You've Got a Friend - James Taylor

Imagine - John Lennon

In a Little While - U2

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

Your Song - Elton John

And So It Goes - Billy Joel

Your Smiling Face - James Taylor

Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

Climb On - Shawn Colvin

Fire & Rain - James Taylor

Near You Always - Jewel

Piano Man - Billy Joel

You Can Close Your Eyes - James Taylor

When I Look At The World - U2

How Sweet It Is - James Taylor

For the next few days, there’s nothing you can really do for John, Connor and I. There simply isn’t. The only thing we TRULY want and TRULY need isn’t something anyone can do. The truth hurts. TREMENDOUSLY. The only thing you can do for us, isn’t for us at all. It’s not really even for CJ, although it’s certainly a direct result of my last moments with him. It’s those last moments that will haunt me until the day I die. People tell me NOT to feel that way but they’re crazy. They weren't there. They can't know. I know I did NOT put the gun to CJ’s head. I even realize that our fight was most likely not the catalyst to the end. He had the gun. And as hard as it is for me to admit, I suspect he may have intended to use it regardless of the where or when. On some level, deep below my heartbroken and destroyed shell, I know I couldn’t have controlled the outcome. But what I do know I COULD HAVE CONTROLLED, what I COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY, what COULD MAKE ME FEEL EVEN 1% LESS GUILT THAN I DO, were the last words that came out of my mouth. Yes, we were arguing. And yelling. And completely disagreeing about certain things. I said things to him that were not helpful. Things that didn’t ease the tension. Things that erupted out of my mouth out of frustration and anger. What I didn’t say to him were the 3 simplest words I could have said. The three words that no matter HOW AGGRAVATED I WAS WITH HIM should have been spoken. The three tiny words that I stupidly ASSUMED I could say to him at a later time. "I LOVE YOU" never came out of my mouth. Not once during that argument. How I regret that more than anything else. And now, I can never say those words to him again. Doesn’t matter how many times I stand before his urn and say them. It will never matter as much as it would have in those last moments. The truth hurts. Tremendously. If you want to do SOMETHING over the next few days.... TELL YOUR CHILDREN YOU LOVE THEM EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Especially when those three words seem like the LAST THREE WORDS you want to say. But don’t do it for John, Connor or me. Dont even do it for CJ. Do it because it’s the right thing to do. Do it because you might not get a second chance. Don't take that chance. It's just not worth it.

I am so out of sorts. I truly feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin. It's April. And it's so much worse than I thought it would be. Which sucks because I thought it would be hell on earth. He's been gone for almost one year. We've been living a nightmare for 350+ days. In less than two weeks, we will mark the passing of two of the worst days of our lives: the day CJ put a gun to his head and the day he died. Unbelievable. I am so sad. CJ's suicide just makes no sense. To me. His mom. I miss my son. ALL OF HIM. The good, the bad, the ugly. I look at his pictures. I can't believe he left. His absence is devastating. The void he left will never be filled. Our lives will never be the same. Not sure how we will survive the one year mark. Not at all sure how we will survive the one year plus one day mark. Every single day is hard. Every single moment is hell. Not knowing why will leave me wondering forever. What a sad thought.