I apologize.

So many of you have asked if it's ok if you send a graduation card to Connor. Some said they just wanted to send along a card to congratulate him and wish him well for next year. Some said they'd like to send a gift of some sort. Some just asked for our address.

I almost didn't respond because I don't want anyone feeling pressured to do anything. And I certainly don't want people to think I am suggesting you send him a monetary gift.

I don't want anyone to do anything they don't want to.

So I almost didn't write this entry.

But now, as I'm hopped up on Ambien, I decided I would post our address so that those that WANT to send him something, can. So many people asked....I might as well post it in one place.

This kid has gone through hell and back and definitely could use well wishes from anyone and everyone that wants to send them. As his mom, I love the idea that people all over - friends in real life and friends through the computer - want to make my son feel special after the horrible year he has had to endure.

Yep, Ambien helped me see things clearly.

God bless my meds.

So....If you want to do something for him, please do.

He's a great kid and has stood by our side as we've navigated our way through this hellish nightmare.

He certainly deserves to feel loved and to feel special in as many ways as possible.

So thanks to all those that asked and to those that might consider sending him something to celebrate this amazing milestone in his life.

I can't thank you enough for loving on my son.

Our address:

Connor Twomey
83 Orchard Street
Auburn, ME 04210

Can't believe on June 4th, my baby boy will be both a high school graduate and a future college student.

UNREAL.

Seems like just yesterday his big brother was kissing his sweet head for the first time as he welcomed him into our family.

I can't believe there was ever a time that I blogged on a regular basis. Seems like a million years ago that I looked forward to putting my crazy thoughts down in words for you all to read...or not. Blogging was such a wonderful and amazing outlet for me. I talked about the good, the bad and the silly. I wrote with glee about my life and my family and all those things that I find interesting.

Knowing that I did that a mere 13 months ago with ease truly shocks me.

Today, as I have almost everyday of the last 13 months, I find myself struggling to write anything. Which is ironic. Because I have so many thougths in my head. SO. MANY. THOUGHTS.

I hesitate to write them. I struggle to write them. I physically can't write them most days.

One full year plus has passed since CJ took his life and I am still living in a fog. People will say that I seem ok and in some ways I am. I have learned to move through each day one step at a time. That's a good thing. But I expect the worst to happen every single moment of every day. That's a bad thing. I never lived like that before. But now I can't help it. It's just a horrible bi product (sp?) of CJ's suicide. I didn't see that coming. Now I just assume other bad things will happen. Things I didn't see coming either.

I miss that kid of mine. I think missing him is happening at a cellular level because it feels like it's deeper than my core. The ache I feel comes from heart, behind my heart, beneath my heart....it comes from everywhere. I am sad to the nth degree. My pain is my own to bear. I expect to be sad until the day I die. I expect to feel empty until I take my last breath. I KNOW I will never stop crying. The tears come so easy. They help and they hurt. They just come.

I live now for my beloved Connor. He has become the most amazing son. He makes me feel loved when I think I'm unlovable. I let his brother down. For that, I suspect I'm not worthy of love. Yet Connor tells me he loves me. And hugs me. And says thank you for the small things I do for him. His love reminds me that I am still blessed with one fantastic gift from God. I hope he always knows how much I love him. I hope I won't ever let him down like I did my Shmoops.

John remains by my side even though I am not always a great wife. I can't always do much more than snuggle with him. I know I'm depressed and that it effects him. I cook very little and I certainly don't do all the things around the house that I used to. Somedays, I just want to cry for what I lost. My baby is gone and I didn't tell him I loved him at the end. It's so hard to know that I failed in those last moments. I don't want to fail John. He is my rock and I need to make sure he knows that I love him more now than ever before.

I don't tell people that I cry because I think it would scare them away. Not all my friends, but some. I would be totally lost without a few of my closest friends. Without Kimmy and Ryan, I wouldn't be able to be happy ever. They are my family in every sense of the word. I love Kim like my sister. Being away from her for too long makes me intensely sad. She means everything to me. And I love Ryan. He is the one person that can make me smile with a simple word or gesture. He just knows what I need, when I need it. I truly love them both with all my heart. I will never take them for granted.

I'm crying. For what I have. And for what I don't have.

My heart is so broken.

Life is scary and is getting scarier.

My work situation is not good right now and I feel scared. I love the agency I've worked at for the last 12 years. I can't imagine not being a part of it. All I can do is wait and see.

Just another thing that makes my overall sadness even sadder.

John's health is not great and that scares me. I love that man more than I love myself. I can't lose him.

Recent rumors have caused John and I pain during a time we just don't have the energy to deal with it. Rumors hurt. Rumors that are not true are destructive.

I'm exhausted. Wonder if I'll recognize my breaking point.

Feels like it might be closer than I want.

Wonder what I'll do.

So very sad.

Haven't blogged in several weeks. Think I was hoping for a miracle...hoping that Day 366 would bring some sort of peace and/or calmness to our lives.

So many people said that getting through the first year, the first of everything major, would be the worst. Heard that so much that I began to believe it. Figured if those first 365 days were THE WORST than days 366+ would be better.

LIES.

Day 366 was as horrible and as shitty as days 1-365. It simply was.

I would give anything to tell you differently. I truly would.

But I can't.

CJ's suicide brought so much pain and sadness to our hearts. I never realized how much I valued his craziness. And his goofiness. And his million dollar smile.

Suicide ended his life.

But suicide will never be gone from ours.

It actually continues to wreak havoc. It continues to crush and destroy my family. It continues to cast it's horrifying net over our lives.

We will never be free of this beast. If we lived another 100 years, we still could not escape the ramifications that come from such a tragic ending.

Call me dramatic but it's true. CJ's suicide altered the course of our lives permanently. We will never BE the people we were BEFORE. We will never KNOW what people we may have become if BEFORE hadn't happened.

Pretty sad thought.

Not sure how the new us will turn out but I thank God I have John and Connor by my side as we find out.

They are both amazing and I love them dearly.

Felt the same way about Shmoops.

Wish I told him that more often.