I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Anxiety? Who knows. Never had it before CJ died so not really sure I know what it is.

Seems like the closer CJ's 22nd birthday gets (or what would have been his 22nd bday), the more out of sorts I get. Fidgety, teary, withdrawn, moody, distraught. Pick a word. They ALL fit.

Happens on the 14th and 15th of every month too. Just no way to stop my mind, body and soul from remembering the nightmare that played on those two days last year. Doesn't matter that the nightmare happened in April....every 14th and 15th stand tall as reminders of my hell on earth.

Wish it wasn't that way. But it is. Maybe someday it won't be. But not yet.

Have had some really tough days and nights lately. Some people know about. Some I've kept hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind.

Months ago, I wrote that crying doesn't only happen on the outside. That it happens on the inside as well. When I wrote it, I THOUGHT it made sense.

Now I KNOW it does.

I can actually hear and feel my tears when no tears visibly show. It's a very odd sensation. And by odd, I mean awful. Hard to explain. But real nonetheless.

Not sure what we will do this year on his birthday. Last year, we ran away. This year, just not sure. Considered doign something big. Or something memorable. Considered doing a lot of different things.

Came to no conclusions.

May just sit at the end of my driveway. In the space where it happened. Wishing like hell that everything was different. Weeping inside knowing that we can never go back.

I'm powerless to change the outcome of that day.

No one thought crushes me as much as that one.

I've loved him forever.

At 16.

At 17.

And at 21.

Life is better with him by my side.

I draw strength from him when I can't go on.

He makes me smile when no one else can.

I feel safest in his arms.

I am a better person because of him.

In this lifetime, I will never know a more wonderful man.

He takes my breath away.

I thank God everyday that he chose me for his wife.

20 years

6/8/91

"never second best"

J,

I love you.

H.

My head is spinning with thoughts tonight.

Yesterday and today were wonderfully amazing.

We are BEYOND proud of our amazing second born son. Connor has graduated high school and is preparing to start on the next chapter of his life.

A HUGE accomplishment, one that takes our breath away.

And he did it DESPITE the hellish year we have endured.

I stand in awe of his strength and fortitude.

I truly could not be more impressed with him than I am today.

Yet, yesterday and today were so bittersweet and utterly sad at the same time.

I am not sure if, over the last 13 months, I have ever been more aware of what's missing in our family. I can literally see CJ's graduation party as if it was only a moment ago. I can see him wearing the same maroon cap and gown, standing in the same places around our house, posing for the same pictures. I can see him everywhere that day...and I can see his brother by his side.

Because Connor WAS there for his brother's graduation. And party. And celebration.

He WAS in the family pictures and in the pictures of just my two boys.

Yesterday and today, CJ was NOT in those pictures. Or at the party. Or involved in the celebration.

It was one of the saddest moments I've had since my first born son took his life.

I did everything in my power to be happy for Connor and our guests. To show the world how proud I am of him. I smiled all day so Connor would know I love him.

Made it until 10:00 tonight. Then I lost it.

Cried on my son's shoulder as he held me and handed me many Kleenex. I cried a lot. I cried because I am blessed to have such a strong son. I cried because I never want him to think he can't come to us. But mostly I cried because he no longer has a big brother....that one single thought trumps all other thoughts.

So I cried on my strong son's shoulder as he held me and listened to my weepy rantings.

I love him even more now for doing that. He really is growing up.

I did not realize how hard this day would be. I feel physically and emotionally drained.

Just didn't know these feelings would blindside me like they did.

I love both my sons to the moon and back.

I would give up my life if I could bring them back together.

I honestly would.

The tears just keep coming...