well this is my first entry in this blog thingy but hey mother needs to smile a bit so here it goes, If you hadn't picked up on this by now its the one, the only, the man the myth the legend, the best damn looking guy on earth...did I forget anything? whatever, it's Connor haha.
I understand my mother is upset that I'm leaving for college but she has ALL of you weinerheads, (that's right you all have a title now) to keep an eye on her and make her smile.

she knows that I'm going to act like it doesn't bother me that I'm leaving but it's just as difficult for me I'm leaving behind everything and starting over basically, who will sleep with the wieners while I'm away? At least I can count on Chauncey to keep my father from turning my bedroom into his naked room....I shudder at the thought....but I will finish this up right now.

MOM I'M NOT LEAVING I'M GOING TO BE LESS THEN AN HOUR AWAY I ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME <3

Connor

We donated blood as a family on Monday in a continued effort to honor CJ's memory. It was Connor's first official time - he tried to donate at the blood drive we held in CJ's name but was turned away due to the tattoo he got of CJ's initials. So very proud of him for agreeing to try again AND for offering to do so every 56 days from here on out. Made an enormous mistake signing up to have us donate at the same hospital where CJ died. It never dawned on me that the last time I walked through those doors, I was saying goodbye to my beloved son. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Tried desperately not to cry. Had to blink away a lot of tears. Won't make that mistake again.

Someone I love and cherish believes that the first year of this nightmare was walked by us all in shock. That only now, as the shock wears thin, are we truly having to "live" again. That everyday is so damn hard because, without the shock to mask the pain, every second is painfully real. I sadly agree.

I always knew that someday my kids would grow up and move on with their lives. But when one of your children won't ever come home again, it makes letting go of the other one nearly impossible. I'm truly thrilled for Connor that he's starting on this new chapter but watching him walk out that door is harder than I ever imagined.

I'm really sad. Sadder than most people will ever know. I often wonder if anyone sees how really dead inside I am. Probably not. Why would they want to?