It’s funny….the more I think about blogging, the less apt I am to do it. Shocks me to see it’s been almost a month since I last wrote. Shocks me even more that there was a time when I blogged everyday. I have no idea how I managed to do that. Truly. No idea. I honestly have such a hard time remembering most things since CJ’s suicide. I’m amazed that I actually remember how to log in to things connected to my life BEFORE. As much as I’d like to just shake my head to clear the cobwebs that have taken hold, I can’t. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. Most days, the best I can come up with is the knowledge that I KNOW I KNEW whatever it is I’m trying to remember…that before that horrific day in April 2010, I actually KNEW a lot of things. Now, not so much. Makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to have early onset Alzheimer’s. Not joking. I wonder all the time if I’ll even recognize if I begin to truly show the signs of Alzheimer because I think I may be there already. Can’t believe that one single gunshot, a gunshot not aimed at my head, could steal so much of me. Life remains almost impossible some days yet I get better and better at hiding that from everyone. People either don’t ask how I’m doing anymore or tell me that they are worried about me. Not sure which is easier to deal with…the people who would rather believe you are fine because the alternative makes them uncomfortable or the people who know how much pain you are in and want to call you on it. Sadly, the latter group is far more accurate in their assessment. I am more broken than even I want to admit. I hurt inside every minute of every day. It’s just that simple. John and Connor keep me going. Without them…..who knows. John continues to support me in a way that defies logic. His love and shared sorrow remind me that I’m not alone. He picks me up time and time again and offers his shoulder to cry as many times as I need it. He’s never not been there for me. He too, hides his pain from most. I suspect the tears I see are kept to an absolute minimum. He grieves silently most days whether by choice or by necessity. I think he knows that seeing him crumble makes my breaking point bubble to the surface. I know it’s not fair but it’s the truth. If it was up to me to carry the load for us, I fear we would all just fade away. Connor is the one true bright spot in my life. He chooses to keep on living despite the hell our family has dealt with. For that, I am so very proud. He misses his big brother in a way that hurts my mom heart to see but he continues to carry on in his memory. So many parts of CJ remain in Connor…the crazy way he breaks out into dance, his “I know I’m good looking” self confidence, his random hugs for no reason and the phrases/eye rolls/goofy smiles/tone of voice that pop up now and again. All of these things could have come directly from CJ. Makes me smile and cry to see them coming from Connor. 17 months later and I’m a shell of what I was. I would literally give my life to bring him back. I will never not know pain in my heart and I will never stop wishing for what was. 17 months later and I think I hurt now more than I did back then. Each day feels like a new, fresh hell. I never realized nightmares could be never ending.