When you begin to dread opening something up for fear of what you might see, it’s time to walk away.
When you start resenting other’s happiness…when you find yourself cringing at every mention of joy…when you realize that you’re wishing for a little less bliss for everyone…..it’s REALLY time to walk away.
And when you start hating yourself for feeling all those things, something has to give.
Because honestly?
I hate myself enough already. Adding more hate to the equation isn’t helpful.
But walking away was hard.
For me.
It was.
For others, maybe not.
But me?
It was.
For 19+ months, it’s provided more support than not. It’s offered me a lifeline to the world outside my own private hell. It’s shown me how loved I am…how loved my whole family is…how missed CJ will always be.
Basically, it’s made me feel less alone.
Which is good.
Because CJ’s suicide made me feel more alone than any other time in my life.
My son argued with me. My son ran outside. My son put a gun to his head. My son pulled the trigger. My son ended his life.
How many moms get to say that?
Very few. Thankfully.
Alone in my own special hell.
Yeah me.
So it helped. More than not…most days.
But not all days.
Which is why I left.
Words aren’t always helpful.
Not even when they come from a “helpful” place.
Sometimes, THOSE words are the least helpful of all.
I’m not CHOOSING this misery. I’m not CHOOSING this pain. I’m not CHOOSING to be as crushed and destroyed and devastated as I am.
Who would choose that?
Some comments, some updates, some emails seem to insinuate that I was. That I am.
NO OFFENSE INTENDED is the exact wrong way to start a “supportive” email.
LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT is utter BS to a mom whose son took his life. Do you believe this is what I wanted my life to be like? For his life to be like? For ANYONE’S life to be like?
I want your friendship. I need your support. I CRAVE your words.
But I can’t handle the SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON advice.
So I walked away.
And believed I’d stay away. I really did.
For one week I stayed away.
Wasn’t wonderful but it was necessary.
Had to decide if it helped more than it hurt.
Still not totally sure.
But I’m back...for now.
