Heart-to-Heart

Dear Donor Family,

How do I start this letter? How do I put into words what I feel? How do I say everything I want to say, everything I NEED to say without causing you pain?

To thank you for my Dad's new heart is to remind you of the heart you no longer hold close. To thank you for giving my Dad life is to remind you of the life you lost. To thank you for giving me time with my father is to remind you of the time you will never have with your child.

It's been 5 years today, yet in some ways it seems like just yesterday. And ironically, this 5th year anniversary falls once again on Friday the 13th. Does that mean anything? Does that matter? Does your family still consider this the most unlucky day? Does it seem wrong that we now think of it as the luckiest?

I think about your family all the time and I wonder if you think about ours. Do you think about that day? Do you wonder about the people your son helped, the people that started life anew because of your generous gift? Do you especially think about the person that walks this earth with your beloved boys heart beating deep inside? And do you wonder if it beats strong in memory of your son?

Let me assure that your son did not die in vain. His organs helped many people, one of which was my Dad. Your son gave him life when there was no other hope. Your son ended my father's 98 day hospital stay whereby we watched him grow wearier each day. Your son allowed my 59 year old father to embark on the next chapter of his life without the fear of his own impending death. Your son gave my Dad a brand new birthday.

I remember sitting in the waiting room that night as your son's essence became one with my father. And I remember as I watched my 2 sons sleep in that waiting room, thinking that your gift would allow them to grow old with the world's greatest grandfather. But more than anything I remember feeling more conflicted than ever before. After all, MY Dad was being given a chance but YOUR son's chance was over.

I still remember riding down in the elevator with my father as your son's heart was being rushed to Boston. I held his hand until the very last minute, until they made me say goodbye. That goodbye was the single hardest thing I've ever had to say. No one knew if he'd make it through the surgery and no one knew if the heart would take. My goodbye could have been goodbye forever. In that moment it felt like my heart was breaking in two.

But that goodbye came with a little bit of hope. And a twinge of excitement. And a tremendous amount of positive energy. And yet, at that very moment, your goodbye came with none of that. Your goodbye was not filled with hope. Your goodbye was final.

Donor family, do you understand what you gave us? Can you grasp how much you changed my life for the better? Do you realize that in giving of your son you became part of my future?

Your son is in everything my Dad does. In every moment we spend as a family. In each new memory we create. Your son is there. And is loved. And is respected in a way that is indescribable.

The very first moment I walked into ICU and placed my hand on my dad's chest and felt your son's heart pumping strong, I knew it would be alright. And I felt almost an immediate sense that your son would help raise my Dad up and help him continue to live a happy and fulfilled life. Your son was only 19 when he lost his life so tragically which meant that my 59 year old Dad was to receive the heart of a young man. A heart that if not for that horrible car accident, would have beaten strong for your son for 60+ more years.

But instead, that healthy 19 year old heart became my Dad's new lease on life. It became the moment my Dad was reborn. It became and remains the most important part of his body.

By honoring my father today and celebrating his amazing 5 year post transplant accomplishment, we also honor and remember your son. This day is a day of celebration and remembrance for two families: a celebration of continued good life for my Dad and a remembrance of your son's short but amazing time on this planet.

Thank you donor family, for giving the biggest gift you will ever be asked to give...the gift of life. You will always be this families hero, as it took supreme strength of character to consider other's needs during your devastation. I honestly believe that your son will be remembered forever in our family as he is truly only a heart beat away.

God Bless you all. We remain humbled by your kindness and generosity.

I pray that I will be writing you another letter 5 years from now as I've clearly told my Dad that he has a lot more living to do...not just for him and not just for us....but for your son as well.

With profound gratitude and tears of happiness,
Hallie