She offered and I accepted. Thanks ALICE!!!
My husband reads my blog.
Every day.
He reads all the comments, too.
He’s a good sport about it. He knew that marrying me made his life fair game for my blog ….and I like to be honest and tell it like it is.
However, the one area that I find myself censoring (both in real life and on my blog)….is about bodily functions.
Because.
Well, because, a long time ago Ervin told me that in order to be “romantic” he didn’t really want to know about my bathroom habits and such. And in all fairness, he is VERY discreet about his. Which I do appreciate.
Because.
Well, because, it would be hard to want to be romantic with someone who farts in your face. I’m sorry, but it would. I know there are couples out there who can do that and still have romance.
We are not one of those couples.
However…..
I used to be pretty vocal about my bodily functions with my friends (Why, Miss Scarlett, I do declare!) I know that’s not really Southern-lady-like. And my mama would die if she knew I used to stand up and announce “I’ve got to drop the kids off at the pool!” when I needed to go to the bathroom. But, I’m honest if anything…..
And so now I find myself pregnant with a WHOLE new set of bodily function issues….and I’ve seriously considered blogging about them before….but I really like sex.....so I didn’t.
But I feel like it’s safe here at Hallie’s blog to talk about these things….I mean have you read her blog on any given Monday???
So……
I’ve been constipated for the past 6 months. Seriously!! Is this normal with pregnancy?? Because I believe in going to the bathroom EVERY DAY. NOT once a week. I couldn’t eat any more fiber if I tried. I mean I’m starting to wonder if I’m really pregnant or just have one big pile of poo in me.
How do you know when you get hemorrhoids? I don’t have them now…(I don’t think)….but I hear most pregnant women get them. How do you know? And what do you do about it?? Do they go away on their own?
What is up with feeling like you have to pee like a racehorse only to make it to the bathroom to have a steady trickle?? Six times a night?? Why can’t I go #2 at least one of those times??
Does my baby poo inside me? If so, am I eliminating it, too or it is just floating in there with all my crap?? Isn’t that kinda gross??
And on a totally unrelated note….
We were watching TV the other day with Erin (my 12-year-old stepdaughter) and I stopped on a Seinfeld Episode. And it’s the one where Elaine keeps talking about her diaphram. And she keeps asking about her diaphram. And I’m so shell shocked that I just leave it on the show while frantically trying to think about what I should do….and Erin looks at me and says what’s a diaphram? And I panic and say I’ve got to go take a shower now!
Really, someone is going to trust me to raise a child??
Thanks for letting me ask the important questions today, Hallie….I hope you’re having a GREAT trip and that all of your bodily functions are functioning just fine….
19 comments:
Alice, you silly girl, Hallie doesn't HAVE bodily functions. She will be no help at all in answering any poo questions.
Constipation in pregnancy is common. Heck, all sorts of messing with your body is common. You'll poop again someday later on. The only thing you can do now is stay on the fiber and drink LOTS and LOTS of fluids.
I didn't have hemorrhoids, so I can't help you there, but they sound awful. I'm sure your doctor knows all about them. Or maybe Hallie can do a MM post on them (maybe she already has - I don't read on Mondays!)
My gyn told me to lean forward as far as possible when peeing so as to empty the bladder fully. He said it would cut down on midnight bathroom visits. I'm not sure it helped, except maybe in my head.
And hey, a lot of us run from the hard questions at first, and then come back after we have our thoughts together. You're going to be the best, coolest, prettiest mom ever. I promise.
FINALLY, Alice dishes the REAL dirt on pregnancy! Constipation? Hemorrhoids? Peeing all the time?
I think I'll take a pass.
I hope you let us know how everything erm... works out! *snicker*
I can't believe you said that Austin could really be just a giant pile of poo in you. Do people name their turds? Maybe only if they're constipated.
Love ya, Alice - thanks for (over)sharing!!
ROFLMAO!
Yes, constipation comes with pregnancy! the baby is squishing everything in there, your bladder to the size of a quarter making you pee all the time and standing on your intestines to stop you from pooing!
Hemmorhoids may or may not happen depending on if you are really trying to get the poo to come out and what do they feel like? like it didn't come out all the way and you have something stuck permanently between your cheeks! ( i've only heard this , ahem)
Hope you are at least still able to have sex, lol!
oh yeah, and as for answering sex related questions with your step daughter? just be honest...
Alice,
It isn't any easier with boys. If you're not getting the diaphram questions from the girls, it's the masturbation and 'when does my penis get bigger' questions from the boys.
Six of one ... ;-)
Best of luck with delivering your little package of poo! lol
I wasn't constipated until after the cesarean, and that SUCKED. Ditto Mary Ellen: fiber and fluids. If you're not an All Bran gal, check out the organic section of your supermarket for some high-fiber tasty cereals.
You'll know if you get hemorrhoids. The best way to avoid them is DO NOT STRAIN to poo, no matter how badly you want to. Chances are good that if you're cursed with one, you'll know it when you go or you'll discover it during cleanup afterward.
And, actually, many women get them from all the pushing and shoving during labor and delivery, not so much from just walking around preggers although the increased pressure of pregnancy doesn't help.
Those Tucks things really do work, btw, and if you haven't yet had a baby shower, some knowing mom will hopefully slip a tub of them into a gift bag.
As for the baby pooping inside you, that's generally not the norm. It happens, but not all the time. Babies like to save that nasty, greenish-black first poop (meconium) as their first gift to you ever. Keep in mind that their food exchange with you is through the bloodstream and not the GI tract.
Good luck to you!
OMG!! Thank y'all so much for this. Maybe Hallie will let me guest blog a few more times through the pregnancy so I can ask the hard questions!
Good news ....still no sign of the "roids, but I'm deathly afraid of getting them. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones...I hope.
I'm drinking a two liter bottle of water right now as I type this. So far, it's caused me to pee 7 times,but I'm hoping for more "promising" results later! I'll be checking back here later today to see if there is more info!! :)
oh darling alice...when you and Ervin have been together 20 some odd years the occasional fart wont deter you... unless it is during... eww thats a gross thought scratch that....ummm constipation... YES. prune juice might help but if you decide to do that be sure its a time when you are home with no plans of leaving for a while ...hemmorhids...aka pain in the ass... trust me if you get one you will know it they hurt I had one after cory...it hurt it burned it bled... tucks pads and cream or prep H work wonders I also had a sitzbath that i brough home from the hospital after cory... that thing was glorious... looked strange to sit on the toilet with a line from the bathroom sink spraying my ... anyway... soulds like some great questions you have and I hope you get all the answers you need... oh and as for answering Erins questions... be honest and as ummm simple as possible... my answer would have been birthcontrol and nothing more... and if all else fails tell her to ask her mom LOL.
HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS
Laura
The prenatal vitamins always bound me up! So much so that I couldn't it any more so my doc cut me down to just a regular vitamin. My pooping wasn't that much better though. Definitely keep the fluids going in! I can say, now being 2 weeks postpartum, my pooping is working wonderfully again :) As far as the roids go, you'll certainly know if you've got them! I had them with my first pregnancy. Luckily I didn't have them with this one. When I had them, the doctor gave me a prescription for something.
Hi Alice, Obviously Hallie needs to go away more often so we can dish the real dirt on her blog!
Try taking a stool softener for the constipation. I think it is because of the iron in the prenatal vit. that is causing you to be bound up.
Leaning as far forward with a big belly is hard, but helps you empty your bladder.
Tucks pads and prep H are perfect for hemmroids. You butt will itch and probably hurt, so it won't be a surprise when you get one.
What else? Oh the b.c. question just give her a small answer and if she is ready to want to know more, she will ask. I try to be as honest as possible with my 2, but sometimes, I just want to crawl into a hole until they stop asking!
Oh, the advantages of guest blogging.....
Alice, thank you for asking the questions I know I am going to have when I finally get pregnant. Funny, I am not worried about the birth but rather if I will be able to poop and if my insides will come outside (that's a hemorrhoid!) Reading everyone's answers here has helped me. YOU have helped me. Great post and good luck!
LOL I loved this. I got a roid after David was born 22 years ago. It still flares up every once in awhile, but TUCKS save the day every time.
Our family has always been farters. We don't care. I mean. Only with family. Not in public.
This is odd though. This morning I was thinking my long standing question. Is poop supposed to float or sink and you talked about poop. Terrific!
Alice, I have to ask...If he can't stand to talk about bodily functions is he going to watch the birth? That is sure to scare him off sex for a long time. He won't believe that your POE is ever going to go back to normal after that. LOL
For those that don't know what POE is, it stands for Port of Entry (or exit).
And what everyone else has said, yepo thats the way it is. The constipation is because of the prenatel vitamins you are taking. Tons of iron in them. And when you wake up one morning and think "Wow, I didn't get up to pee last night" get to the doctor because you are retaining fluid and that is not a good thing. I know.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You guys have enlightened me more than I ever thought possible! And made me laugh (and then have to go pee...but not poop) :) Loved all your comments and to answer Michelle's question...Ervin has a daughter already and was there for her birth. The birth didn't bother him. Just the thought of me pooping and farting. Go figure.... :)
Two words: Stool Softener.
When I announced to my friends that I was pregnant one nurse friend told me to go buy citrucel and I'm SO glad she told me about it. It's not a stool softener or laxative it's just powdered fiber with a TANG/orange flavor. It helps, it really does. Of course ask your doctor before taking it, but I'm sure he/she will give the ok.
I was constipated with ALL four of my pregnancies and it is no fun at all. Plus I had to take iron three times a day. I had to suffer, plug my nose and drink prune juice, but stay near the bathroom on that one cause when it's ready, it's
READY!
ROTFLMAO...
When you get aggravated with your child (and believe you me...you will) you'll have to promise to 'fess up while guesting on Hallie's blog to hollering, "you little shit!"
Oh, my... I'm so glad I caught this post. Several people have told you about prune juice but one of the things my dad taught me about was kraut juice, as in sour kraut. You can actually buy it in cans, but like prune juice, you do not want to go to the mall and shop if you decide to try it. Of course, with all things, you want to check with your OBGYN before doing anything. Oh and if you, or anyone else, wants to try the kraut juice, you better have a heavy duty vent in your bathroom.
Alice, you are delightful. I hope Hallie will let you come back again soon with the real and honest questions.
Thank you so much.
Helen
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