How many times can people tolerate hearing me say that my son killed himself?
That my son shot himself in the head?
That my 20 year old son, my firstborn child, is dead and will not celebrate his 21st birthday this weekend?
Can't imagine that anyone wants to hear me say ANYTHING anymore. All I have to say is sad. And depressing. And miserably pessimistic.
I don't feel like this is getting any easier. In many, many ways, it's getting harder. With each passing day, my reality becomes more obvious. A reality I hate with every fiber of my being.
My son is not coming back. Ever.
Ashes are all I have left.
Of my son.
My firstborn baby.
Awesome.
And I currently hate life. I do. Honestly.
I love John. I love Connor. I love my friends and family.
But I hate life in general. Which is so not me. Not at all. And it's a horrible way to feel.
And I cry. A lot. Tons and tons. At home. At work. In my car. In the shower. In bed. I cry so much. Poor John and Connor can't walk through the house most nights without finding me weeping. Nights suck. So much.
What else?
People seem to think I'm doing ok....such a joke. I'm not. I'm functioning because I have to. But I'm not ok. At all.
And now that I'm writing, people will think I'm even better.
I'm not.
I'm just sick of talking to myself.
I'm sad. And scared. And guilt laden.
I have a horrible movie that plays over and over in my head of CJ's last 5 minutes of life. Try being ok with that. Not easy.
I replay those moments PRAYING that the ending will be different. That my last words with him weren't what they were. That the last exchange we had wasn't a heated exchange. A fight. Angry words.
Try being ok with that. Not easy. Not easy at all.
Have I said I hate my life?
People have been wonderful. They reach out. They share their stories. And thoughts. And prayers.
And all I think is I WANT MY SON BACK.
NOW.
And some days they don't reach out. And it's quiet. And I hate that.
And all I still think is I WANT MY SON BACK.
NOW.
I barely answer people back. Probably most think I don't care. But I do. And I read it all. Just don't have the energy most days to say anything.
How long will people put up with me basically ignoring them?
And I worry about everything. ALL THE TIME.
And I'm much more random in my thoughts than I ever was.
But by know, after reading this, you know that. Obviously.
Again, how long will people put up with that?
I kiss his urn each day. I touch it when I walk by. I pat it.
And I think, HOW EFFED UP IS THAT? What mom wants to touch her son's urn?
I miss him so damn much.
His birthday is Saturday.
He would have been 21.
Don't forget to think about my son.
Light a CANDLE for him here. Or HERE.
Write something about him on his memorial site. Or on his FB page.
PLEASE?
I die a little bit inside each time I think he might be forgotten.
Truly a mom's worst nightmare.
59 comments:
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hallie,
My computer room is next to my laundry room and I just came down to switch a load. Popped over to the computer and my google reader was up and just sat here and read every single word you wrote. And just so you know, CJ is never forgotten by me. I only wish I got the chance to meet him. I don't ever feel like I have the right words for you and I am never looking for your words back. I'm sure you hate the words I do write because I know that you hate the reason that people are praying for you and trying to help give you strength you need every day. We wont' stop Hallie. Ever. If my words let you know that CJ is being thought of and that you and your family is being thought of, then every day, I'm going to write something. If there's ANYTHING more that I can do for you, please let me know. I'm with you Hallie!
Hallie...I wish there were words that could begin the healing...I know there are none. I have seen the innocence of those who have not lost someone say, "Time will make it better." I watched my stepmother resent my Dad because "He never got over Steve." (My brother who died young in an accident.) How could a parent get over the loss of a child..period? All of us have put ourselves at risk of losing a child after an argument....you have taught us the great consequences in the worst possible way. At least try to forgive yourself because you were arguing about something important and something in CJ's best interest...Although I rarely post, it is not because I don't care or am tired of your heartache. I read each of your posts with heavy heart and knowing that everything that can be said has been and it hasn't helped. But one thing for sure that you needn't worry about is that CJ will never be forgotten...we have all learned, grown, and began to look a life a little differently. You are right about his ability to captivate...it truly WAS there and it still is even now. You will keep his memory alive and we will help.
Hallie, I didn't even know CJ, but I have followed your blog a long time, and have been here every step of the way. I hear the mother's pain you cry, and I won't ever forget. Nor do I blame you for anything you are reacting to at this moment. You have every right. I don't know IF it will get easier for you, I just hope somehow you can find peace down the road.
Oh Hallie, I hate this so much. I hate that you know this pain. I hate that no one can fix it or take it away. I hate everything about it.
I don't always reach out because I'm terrified of causing you more pain by saying the wrong thing, and I know that's probably stupid and wrong, and I'm sorry. Please forgive me for that. I will try to do better. But I swear to you, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of CJ.
I've looked through the pictures of CJ when he was a little boy that you've been posting on Facebook, pictures of him when he was the age my son is now and my heart breaks into a million pieces for you. And I hug my children tighter and tell them I love them more often and I try so hard not to sweat the small stuff.
You are never far from my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I love you.
I hope and pray that someday, somehow, you will find peace, even joy again. That's impossible right now. I know that. I just hope someday. I believe that day will come.
Much love to you all.
I am having trouble posting a comment. It keeps saying it can't be done. I hope it doesn't post over and over.
anywho...
Hallie, you have always had a gift for sharing your life, stories and your family on your blog. We read it because we like to see what is going on in your life, and right now this IS your life. We will be here to read, no matter what. Use your gift of writing as a little more therapy on this blog. When you get to the point that you can breathe a little I think you should write a book about your journey through this hell. One day someone else is going to be in your place and seeing your story, knowing they aren't alone, knowing that what they are feeling isn't wrong, may be an amazing help for another family.
Hallie, I only know you and your family through your blog...but, I think of you all often. I have no words of comfort for you...except for these (if they are any comfort at all): know that there are well wishes and prayers out there in the world for you and your family. People you don't even know. People who may not even tell you that they are praying for you.
I also know from many of the comments I have seen here over the past few months that you have a LOT of people who love you, John, Connor and CJ. And, they'll wait until you're ready to talk to them and not "ignore" them again. For now, it's enough that you put one foot in front of the other. Take care of yourself and I'm praying for you all.
true friends, and even people who don;t know you that truly feel caring for you, will not get tired of it, will not worry about being ignored. if it helps to write here, do it and we will read it. if it helps for us to comment, we'll comment and hope it helps even a smidge. And he won't ever be forgotten.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you will bring comfort and peace to the Twomeys and all of CJ's friends and family. I pray that you wrap up their pain with your love and replace it with a lifetime of warm memories.
Hallie, it's just so unfair and heartbreaking that you all are suffering through this. I have had you on my heart all day. Just know that yes, we are all thinking of you and your family, and that the prayers for healing, not forgetting, are at the forefront of it all. Enjoy the ocean, and find peace in the fury of it all.
Christy
Hallie we have yet to meet and yet I sit here wanting to run to you and hold you! Yell at the world that it's not fair! Scream at the top of our lungs! I allow you!
I never met CJ and I wish like hell I had gotten a chance too!
But one thing I will never do is abandon you in your time of need. I will get the guts up to call you and let you vent. I will come to you and take you to the mall and let you cry! I will take you to dinner and let you and I gab about girl stuff if not to forget just forget for a moment!
I love you Hallie!
CJ will not be forgotten. I think that's impossible. I didn't know him other than through your blog, where you introduced him to me as only a mother can, with love and pride and hope for his future. And still, I won't forget him.
I have not lost a child -- a sister, but not a child. Losing my sister was horribly sad, but I know that losing a child would be so much more unbearable. I know this without having to experience it and hope to God I never do. I certainly don't know what to tell you about how you must survive without CJ here on earth with you, John and Connor. But I would think CJ would want you to find a way to live and thrive again in whatever ways make sense to you.
I'm so glad you shared your candid thoughts about what you're feeling, Hallie. I know it's not easy, but I think it's important. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are the men in your life, including, of course, CJ.
Kimber
Hallie-Mama,
I am at a loss for words, only because I so wish there was something I could DO or SAY to make you feel ALL better...but I know there isn't anything that I can do personally. BUT I wanted you to know I love you so much and I think about you and your family and CJ DAILY! I can only only imagine your pain and heartbreak. I look at Kai and think about what you are going through...my heart aches FOR you! I am so absolutely sorry for your loss...suicide is such a hard thing...because so many "questions" are left unanswered - unlike an illness - where you have "some kind of an idea" and maybe even an expectation...for someone to take their own life...it is just excruciatingly devastating. It makes me wonder how much pain the person was in - how deeply sad they must have been - and for some reason did not feel like they could reach out for help...that they saw NO help...no light...no hope...and that makes me SO sad...their sadness engulfed them to the point they did not think about the people who love them that they would leave behind... it seems so unfair...but I have so much compassion for CJ and for you his family...I know the pain he must have felt and the pain you are feeling now.
I love you Hallie-Mam - and I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU - cry as much as you want! Shout as much as you need to! Scream until you can't scream anymore...talk about CJ every day - all day if you need to and WHAT you are feeling and going through...I WILL BE THERE!
Because if the shoe was on the other foot...I would be right where you are now... ;)
I know this pain you feel will never go away...he was your baby boy...but I pray with all my heart that as time goes on - that it becomes a little more bearable...that you can find comfort each day with your feelings and thoughts and memories...I pray that the sadness will fade some and you can smile again...but even if it takes forever mama..I am here and I am not going anywhere as I am sure all the people who love you will continue being around as well..
Try not to dwell on the "last" words...the "last fight" - CJ KNOWS how much you loved him - I saw it every day in your blogs..on your FB - in all your sharings of your family - from day one of meeting you! Your love for your children was so transparent - fights happen - disagreements happen...CJ knows this and HE KNOWS YOU LOVED HIM NO MATTER WHAT. I pray that you can find PEACE in knowing that he knows how much you cared and adored him - how very special he was to you - that your relationship with him was unique and nonpareil to any other relationship - parents have an unrivaled bond with each of their kids in different ways...and CJ knows this mama.
I love you so much Hallie - do not ever feel the need to apologize for "not being yourself" because those of us that love you - do not care and UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.
Write when you want to write and reach out when you feel like it..and if you do not feel like it - then don't. Like I said..I am not going anywhere....ever.
There is NO LOVE like a mother's love for HER CHILD.
As a mother - I so HATE that you are going through this...with all my heart I hate it..and if I could kick someone's [*] for it, I WOULD! ;)
You captured me long ago with your blogs and love for your sons...I feel as if I know you all "in person". :-D
UNLIMITED BLESSINGS to YOU and YOUR FAMILY. I LOVE YOU!
You are ALL in my prayers...my love to John and Connor...I know they are struggling as well.
BTW - Kai said "God and Jesus will take care of CJ Mommy and then his Mommy & Daddy can smile because God and Jesus are so awesome and one day God and Jesus will bring CJ back to them again!"
Out of the mouths of babes. ;)
WE LOVE YOU! xoxoxoxxo
(so much for at a loss for words, huh?) ;)
LOVE YOU HAL! HERE TILL ETERNITY! and Im a stalker of your page go here everyday!
Hallie, there are 5 different stages of grief. Some people only go so far in the stages and some move all the way through. (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)
I have no profound suggestions, because I am not in your shoes, but I do know, as a nurse and having to talk to people who have been where you are, that all of these feelings are normal. Healthy in a way. Its ok to be mad. Mad at CJ, Mad at yourself, Mad at God. If you are not a screamer, or someone who can pound the shit out of a bag of flour. Write your feelings down.
No one will judge you. We all care for you.
Maybe use your blog as a release valve so to speak. Even if you write your feelings down and just dont publish it, you have to have some way to release your pain...
We will never ignore you, its been 76 days. We are all still here.....
Hallie, you are doing the best you can and sometimes you just need to let that be enough. I'm not going anywhere, still hoping for a different ending to the movie, still thinking of you all, still praying on my knees for answers and comfort.
For those who suffer,
and those who cry this night,
give them repose, Lord;
a pause in their burdens.
Let there be minutes
where they experience peace,
not of man
but of angels.
Love them, Lord,
when others cannot.
Hold them, Lord,
when we fail with human arms.
Hear their prayers
and give them the ability to hear You back
in whatever language they best understand.
By Margaret A. Davidson
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" ~ Psalm 34:18
"Each departed friend is a magnet that attracts us to the next world."
--Jean Paul Richter
This will be long, so beware... I think of how often I have been angry with the boys for some stupid thing they did, which they are notorious for. Boys just are. They make unbelievably idiotic decisions that you can see will ruin some part of their life. So, as part of being a Mom, we mother. And mothering means words, actions and things we may not always want to do or feel good about doing - tough love..... life isn't neat and tidy.
I don't know of a mother who hasn't had words with their kids, arguments, ugliness as they walk out the door. A lot of time, the limited time they spend at home, you need to spend what time you have going over things that you probably don't really want to do. But we are Moms, and its part of the job of loving them. It is also part of being kids - to irritate and be scarse to discuss it which fuels the arguments at times.
No matter how that day went verbally, it would not have changed the outcome. He most likely would have done it or tried to do it a different day because that is what suicide is and does to those who are suicidal. It is also a secret thing... they don't announce "Hey, I want to kill myself!" Rarely anyway. Might get some hints, but if I analyze all my boys words and actions, I'd be watching them 24/7 thinking it will be the last day because they are boys and they do and say very immature things. (my boys are 18,20,23)
As much as you want to go over and over everything and see what you missed or if you could have prevented the suicide - you'll never find it because he loved you too much to involve you in his internal pain. Isn't it ironic how this protection actually causes you the most intense heart wrenching gut searing pain ever? If only they had the capacity to see the truth. But suicidal kids don't. Their brains are different, the young ones (yes 20 is very young) are not matured enough to get it. And that is why suicide at this age is so very high.
The guilt of your last angry words, I can only try to imagine how horrible you feel about that. I don't know if you feel you had a part of his suicide that day (I hope not) but as a Mom, those angry words as his last? It must tear you apart. When my son went into his coma and the doctors said he probably won't live... all I could think of were the last words we shared, and it sure wasn't how I would have wanted it.
Be angry, be pissed, be quiet, be loud, ignore others.... do what you need to do to get through this second of the day - to make it to the next second of the day. Your grief is your own, no one elses and it will never go away, just different as nature takes over the process.
Writing may not feel to you like it helps to get "better" but I do believe it lets out some frustration, anger, the horror if even a tiny bit. A very personal journal all your own to say whatever you want, however you want.... may also help.
Thank you for sharing yourself, it helps us support you where your at (sad, angry, scared)
If my words help just a bit, good. If it doesn't - just ignore them. Its hard to know what to write or say, because whatever we say or do will never be enough to erase your pain, but to let you know we are supportive and care.
Mary Lee
I don't have a long response to this post but I'm grateful you wrote it. I think about you and your family often and I just want you to know that and know that you're in our prayers. I want you to know that I will continue to read your posts and your FB no matter how sad they are because I care! Hugs!
Oh, Hallie. My heart breaks for you. Cry, scream, curse. Let it out. We are all here to support you. Most of us have never had the priviledge of meeting you in person - but you've let us into your life and shared the good and the bad. We are here to listen!
And please, please don't think that CJ will be forgotten. Your son passed way early - but he will live on in the hearts of his family, friends, and all your faithful followers.
Dear Hallie, I will never pretend to know how you feel. I did not know that your son took his life. My dearest friend in Chicago lost their 13 years old 10 years ago when he hung himself. My heart is so very sad for you and I would love to be able to take your pain away. Life does suck when you lose a child but taking their life is by far the worst and anger is all I would ever feel if I were you. I don't ever expect you to respond to comments I leave. Your life has been changed forever, it is not fair but I do care with all of my heart. ((HUGS))
Hallie,
Keep writing, don't think about what people think. Your friends understand. I have a friend who had a blog and lost her daughter to suicide. She felt much the same way but decided to chronicle everything beginning to end on her blog. While it was tough to read it did help her to let it out through writing. Her pain came through her words like yours does. She wrote things she couldn't say out loud and didn't want to burden others with. Sometimes she allowed comments other times kept them closed. It did help her and maybe it may help you. She has since closed her blog down but it helped.I can't begin to know exactly how you feel, no one can unless they walk in those shoes but I like to think that the love that reaches out to you can help you one day. Peace be with you.
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. Amen.
I am so, so, sorry ... and those words are so inadequate. My heart aches for you and for your family. No one has forgotten you, no one has forgotten him... no one can possibly understand and yet we all are hugging you tight in our hearts. xoxo
Hallie, i have no words, I have no clue as to what to say... and i hate that. My heart goes out to you. Much love and big hugs.
Brandy
Hallie, I will never forget CJ. There are hundreds of other people who will never forget him. Even though his blog had been discontinued I leave the icon for it on my sidebar. That is my memorial to CJ. A happy time in his life.
I will never forget you, John and Connor either.
I cannot say I know how you feel, but I do understand your feelings. Have you tried talking to anyone outside your circle of family and friends? A pastor, or clergyman maybe. Maybe it's too soon to talk to anyone else, maybe too hard. Maybe it's just plain rude of me to suggest it.
I hate that you are hurting so bad. I hate that you hate life right now. It makes me so sad to know you are feeling that way.
Hallie:
I haven't been by in a while and I had no idea what happened. I am truly speechless. Hallie, I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. My heart sank to the floor reading this. I don't know what to say but just that I'm sending you a huge virtual hug to you and your family and to let you know that you can write, yell, scream, ignore, whatever it takes. We are all here for you.
Lots of love and my deepest condolences.
xo
Jessica
my comment got lost somewhere so I'll try again.
We'll all listen as long as you need us to. Like I told you before, there is no timeline for grief. You have a right to be feeling all the things you're feeling...this is about as effed up as it gets.
I'm not even going to pretend that my situation is anywhere near yours, but my best friend of many years who was more like a sister to me committed suicide on the same day CJ did...only 4 years earlier. I yelled at her, I screamed at her, "How could you do this to your kids, to ME?" and then I would feel like crap for doing that and cry more and more and then start with the anger all over again. It's a horrible circle.
Sweetie, right now you're hanging on by your fingernails. You've been through the most traumatic experience any of us can ever go through. Cut yourself some slack. Please get to a therapist. It really helped me with all the issues I had of guilt for not being there for Leah,for the anger I felt towards her, and the depth of sadness I never knew existed.
I will not forget CJ. I will not forget you.
Ruth
There will be so many that will be here to listen for as long as you need it. Because thats what friends do Hallie, they are there for the good AND THE BAD! And if those words are what you need then say them as many times as you need to!
I just ACHE for you... cant even begin to imagine what you are going through...
But just wanted to let you know that people, like me, who you've never met & just know in the "blog world" care about you & are always here to just listen whenever you need... & this is a place where you can vent, scream, cry & go over those memories of your beautiful son & remember & love him... & we'll all support you along the way.
Just one day at a time...sometimes thats all we can get through
Hallie, we're here. For the long haul. And you don't have to respond. You don't have to do anything but breath in and out. I would be worried if you weren't sad and angry and confused. How do you ever deal with a loss of this magnitude?
You cry. You vent. You survive as best you can right now. For once, this is a time you don't need to worry about anyone but you John and Connor. We are here. And I don't need you to acknowledge that you know that. We are here. We are here. We are always, always here.
you can not turn true friends away... we laughed with you for however long we knew you before this and we cry with you now and someday hopefully we will laugh again... Your pain of those last words the last minutes the vision of him in that car... is all something your friends carry along with you ... even though we were not there physically to see it we walk by and pat his urn when we visit his fb page or yours we thump him and ask why... only to get silence so we pray for peace for those left here to try to continue living... we cant ever forget NOR can we forget our hallie and john who had to make the hardest decision to share CJs body so that others can live and we admire from afar the things you are doing to help prevent another mother or father brother sister papa aunt cousin from ever having to go through this pain.
you actually are doing so much more than just functioning...even though right now it does not feel that way to you... and EVERY NIGHT you are in my thoughts and WHEN i do NOT see a post or update i am Praying you are sleeping peacefully...
Love you Hallie you just keep that in mind when all seems so lost and bizzare.
Hallie,
I am a stranger to you but not to your blog. I am someone who has had THREE very close friends lose children. You can never talk about your feelings too much. Talk, vent, yell, swear, all you want. Get it out! I know it will take a life time to get it out but keep going. Talk to us everyday. I know I will come back everyday and listen (or read). I will write when I can; but I will read everyday if you will write. Kissing the urn, patting the urn, is just fine. Why do you think that is crazy. Deal how you need to deal. Be sad, it is sad. No mother should have to deal with what you did. NEVER, EVER. The three people I am referring to said that if they went what you are going through they would never make it. Though one lost her child from ALL two weeks after the diagnosis at 15, one lost her child for injuries sustained walking to school (hit by a car driven by the father of one of his friends) and another was illness. They all handle things in different ways but we talk almost every day, and everyday we speak of the child. One is going on 10 years, one is less than a year (he is also a relative) and the other has been 12 years and she, the mother, passed away about FOUR years ago leaving behind her daughter. I blame her husband (not the child's father for her death as does everyone). But we spoke of Billy every single day. The funny, and the sad, the very sad. Spo please reach out to us, all of us. I am a stranger and nameless right now; but if/when you want me to be more than that I will. But I will think of you and our family on Saturday. In fact, I will release one single balloon for CJ on Saturday. If that is something you don't want please tell me via the blog and I won't. No questions asked; no hurt feelings. This is your call. My heart goes out to you. My prayers go out to you. I will stop here. I know I just rambled on and on and I am not even going to make any corrections. That way you know it's from my heart. Please come back and talk to us. No matter what it is. Please tell us how your doing? Bad, I know. Sad, I know. But let us know is today a little better than yesterday. Or was yesterday the worst of the 76th day. Tell us what things remind you of CJ. I am sure everything. But is there a song, a food, a store. How about telling us more about CJ. His likes and dislikes. His favorite foods and those he dispised. What kind of music did he like. Anything. Something. Just keep coming back. If you write, I will read. Even strangers can love and care about you. Be good to yourself. Try a counselor for some alone venting time; or not. Do whatever you need to do for you. Love, A stanger who cares.
Hallie,
I am a stranger to you but not to your blog. I am someone who has had THREE very close friends lose children. You can never talk about your feelings too much. Talk, vent, yell, swear, all you want. Get it out! I know it will take a life time to get it out but keep going. Talk to us everyday. I know I will come back everyday and listen (or read). I will write when I can; but I will read everyday if you will write. Kissing the urn, patting the urn, is just fine. Why do you think that is crazy. Deal how you need to deal. Be sad, it is sad. No mother should have to deal with what you did. NEVER, EVER. The three people I am referring to said that if they went what you are going through they would never make it. Though one lost her child from ALL two weeks after the diagnosis at 15, one lost her child for injuries sustained walking to school (hit by a car driven by the father of one of his friends) and another was illness. They all handle things in different ways but we talk almost every day, and everyday we speak of the child. One is going on 10 years, one is less than a year (he is also a relative) and the other has been 12 years and she, the mother, passed away about FOUR years ago leaving behind her daughter. I blame her husband (not the child's father for her death as does everyone). But we spoke of Billy every single day. The funny, and the sad, the very sad. Spo please reach out to us, all of us. I am a stranger and nameless right now; but if/when you want me to be more than that I will. But I will think of you and our family on Saturday. In fact, I will release one single balloon for CJ on Saturday. If that is something you don't want please tell me via the blog and I won't. No questions asked; no hurt feelings. This is your call. My heart goes out to you. My prayers go out to you. I will stop here. I know I just rambled on and on and I am not even going to make any corrections. That way you know it's from my heart. Please come back and talk to us. No matter what it is. Please tell us how your doing? Bad, I know. Sad, I know. But let us know is today a little better than yesterday. Or was yesterday the worst of the 76th day. Tell us what things remind you of CJ. I am sure everything. But is there a song, a food, a store. How about telling us more about CJ. His likes and dislikes. His favorite foods and those he dispised. What kind of music did he like. Anything. Something. Just keep coming back. If you write, I will read. Even strangers can love and care about you. Be good to yourself. Try a counselor for some alone venting time; or not. Do whatever you need to do for you. Love, A stanger who cares.
I am so very deeply sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish I had words that would help but I don't think there are any right now.
Oh Hallie! I so feel your pain! I want you to know, you sound normal and of sound mind with what you wrote.
Of course you have all those feelings! Of course you weep and kiss CJ's urn.
I so wish you could forgive yourself for your last exchange with him. I know he has and I know he feels your pain.
Please take care of yourself and continue to write.
Hugs,
Michelle in PA (AF Mom)
Dear Hallie,
It sucks when you survive your child. I know. It happened to me. No, Katie did not commit suicide. But she was by my side, in a car, that was struck by an impaired driver.
I lived and she died.
No mother should have that happen.
And yet it does.
The first year I wanted nothing more than to die too.
My life was over.
All I wanted was to rewind the days until she was with me again. Or fast forward until my own death brought us together again.
My friends thought I should get over it quickly.
That doesn't happen.
The first year of forever is the greatest challenge of all.
I hated it. I hated each and every day!
I questioned God. I questioned fate, I questioned myself!
I even attempted suicide myself.
It didn't work.
Then I hit rock bottom, and after that there is no place to go but up.
Oh not right up. Slowly, a little at a time, A good year after her death I could once again breathe.
Little by little the joys came back.
And eventually I could smile and laugh without feeling guilty.
It doesn't happen overnight.
Katie's been gone for 25 years now. Gone. Yet I still see her smiling face in my mind, hear her wonderful little voice in my head and my heart, although broken, can feel her love.
I wish I was there to hold you and just let you cry. You need to do that, so stop apologizing for that. You need time. You can't hurry grief.
Write me if you would like.
Hallie, I think of you every single day. I say a little prayer often that something, anything can make you smile, even for a moment or two.
Of course you miss CJ. Of course it seems absurdly unreal, like a bad dream.
It's my hope that you remember good times with him, fun times that make you laugh or smile. And it's my hope that those times start to happen more often.
If you need to talk about CJ, then by all means, do it. If it helps you, do it. Talk about him, write about him, whatever works for you. You have so many people who love you and will listen to you and read you.
Your son will never be forgotten. Trust me.
Love you.
Joanie
My mother took her own life with a shotgun. She had the best of Doctors and was in a mental hospital to get help. She had support of everyone, her church, just everyone and everything that could be done. She had a great life, 5 healthy children, love of a good husband, a nice home and life. She made 17 previous attempts before her success. All medicines that were available were tried, good doctors tried, the people who loved her really tried and she tried to not want to die. None of us could stop her in the end. It has been a long time and no definate answers to WHY WHY WHY. Nearly killed all of us. Some tragedies came of it in different ways. The ones of us who were willing to talk and talk and talk and talk some more have managed to find good lives and happines again but are so very deeply scarred that I sometimes wonder how we did survive. No one could have stopped her. That is just the sad sad truth of the whole sad thing. We will never know why. Talk to the people who are willing to go over and over and over the same conversations over and over for as many years as you want to. It can be survived I promise you. You dont think that pain that horrid is survivable but it is. Nothing easy about the time it takes but it is worth it, you are worth it and your youngest son and husband and the weiners are worth it. Keep talking everywhere like here and everywhere else that you can. Go over the same answerless things over and over and over as long as you want to. Dont give up. My mom and I were estranged at the time and the acceptance of that without the pain that used to make me fall to the floor with the depth of it has gone except the occasional times it sneaks up and cuts my heart when I least expect it but I do have a life very much worth waking up each day for. Not a single soul has forgotten her and your son will not be forgotten either. Of course I didnt know him except through the blog but I will never forget him. You did that for him by your loving him right onto our computer screens. Try and try and try and try again and again to see through the glass darkly the glimmer that is where you are going to dedicate your every waking and sleeping moment to get to-------- the time of being able to bear you pain -----and someday find the peace and God Willing--- happiness that you need and your family needs to see in you. Time is an exceedingly slow healer for wounds as deep as yours but it will come if you will it---- in time. Diane Mc Donald
I can't and I won't pretend to know what you are feeling or what you are going through. There are no words to express what is in my heart. I did watch my mom go through the same thing when my brother was killed, her 1st born.
Think of him always, speak of him always...do exactly what you are doing and he will live on, for an eternity. He lives...in you, in your heart...I know, it doesn't make it any easier....and I pray that your memories, the good and the bad will be solace for your grief.
"I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine, He said.
For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years, twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all of your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, we'll ever grateful stay.
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."
Author: Edgar Guest
Hallie -
Your love for CJ is what brought me to your blog all that long time ago when he first was joining the military. You worried, you fretted, you prayed, and we worried and fretted and prayed with you, growing closer to you and your family with each passing day.
I am one of MANY people who were sucked in by your amazing spirit and story. It was those early posts you made about your son that truly got to my heart and made me want to read you. . . to know what happened next and to care about people I've never physically met. I still want to hear what you have to say, good, bad or ugly. Because it is real, it is life, and it helps to share.
You've helped me through bad times, too. The darkest of hours. Know I'm here for you too, with whatever you have to say.
HUGS
Hallie,
I wish I had a magic clock that would turn back time for you.
Do what you have to do and know that those of us that love you will always be here.
Hugs,
Tami
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. That sounds so generic and sterile but I don't know what else to say other than my heart breaks for you, John and Conner. I am so so so sorry.
YOU are not to blame for what CJ chose to do.
YOU were not to know that the last words with him were angry.
YOU have to move on from all the wondering and wanting things to be different, cos they are not.
Just take each day as it comes.. hang in there.. and know that we are ALL HERE for you.. no matter how long it takes for you to feel a bit better about life.
A lot of us have been where you are.. wishing a loved one was not gone.. it takes YEARS to finally feel OK about it. YEARS.
And if you want to write about CJ's loss for YEARS... we who think you are wonderful will continue to read and be here for you.
so there.
HAPPY 21st TO CJ IN HEAVEN.
I will never forget, Hallie. I promise. I lit a candle but was disappointed that they only stay lit 48 hours. Thank you for sending me to that site; I'm going to organize friends and family to light candles for Ryan on his birthday this year--Especially after reading this post, I realize Molly would be very moved. (It'll be two years for her this fall.) Thank you for that.
I hope that you are getting help from someone for dealing with the trauma of that day, in particular; it can make a difference. Love and prayers to you...
P.S. I'm linking this up to my SS post today. I hope that's okay with you.
CJ won't ever be forgotten. We would never let that happen. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling but I know that what you are feeling is right for you. You feel what you feel, cry when you need to and write when you want. We will be here. And please don't think that on those days you don't hear from someone that we are not all thinking of you. We are. At least I know I am. I wish I could take everything back. I wish I could change it all so that you didn't hurt any more. Don't dwell on your last words, CJ knew how much you loved him. How much you love him still. And you don't need to be all right. You don't ever need to be all right. No one expects that from you. Kissing his urn and touching him each day is beautiful. My MIL does it every day and we talk to B's Dad when ever we are over her house. It's your connection to your son, it's not wrong. Nothing you could do is wrong. You go through the motions and get through the days and I hope our words help make them the tiniest bit more bearable. I love you my friend.
Hallie, I know your story though Alice's blog (and I know Alice through Grover). I have waited to write because I have no healing, wise words. Nothing that will measure. But please know that one mom, in Northern California, with two daughters, 16 and 22, is willing to take a small part of your pain today. And is honored to remember your son today. And is grateful that you are willing to tell your story with truth. You are a gift to all of us. The least we can do is help to carry your load, even a small part of it. Peace, at least for a moment, to you today.
No one wants you to stop talking. No one expects you to stop being sad. No one expects you to start loving life or feeling joy. No one can tell you when happiness will return. No one can define what normal will ever mean again.
I put you on the prayer list at church again today- I hadn't read this yet but God put you on my heart.
Everyone who reads your words, reaches out to you, prays for you, loves you... everyone is willing to patiently wait and be here and be strong for you and stand beside you, behind you, around you. There are so many ready and willing to be your shoulder, your rock, your strength.
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks... just focus on you, on John, on Connor. The rest of us will be here and will continue doing whatever you need us to do.
Hallie, I too will never forget. I think of you SO often. I keep wishing there were something I could say to you that would ease your pain even for a brief time. To give you a break from what has to be an overwhelming sadness.
You are not obligated to act cheerful or "OK". You are grieving the loss of your child, every parent's nightmare. The way you do that is nobody else's business.
Much love.
Hallie -- I didn't know CJ and I only know you through following your blog. I wanted to let you know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you and pray for you and your family and CJ. I cry for you and with you and mourn your loss as if it were my own. I will never forget CJ and the wonderful stories you've told about him and his passion for life. I can only imagine how much your heart is breaking . . . I will never forget CJ and I will pray for you everyday. I hug my children and grandchildren harder each time I see them. I hope you can feel my hugs for you as well.
Do not ever deny your heart. Not when it's heavy, nor when it wants to make you smile as you remember cherished memories. My prayers continue to go out to you and your family. I wish there was something more comforting I could say than that, but please know so many are doing what they can to lift you up.
Oh, Hallie............
I hope putting your thoughts into words helps, just a little bit.
(((((((Hallie))))))))
I lost my daughter when she was 31--12 years ago this Aug. 20th. It's something you never get over. It does gets easier somehow.
76 days after her death, I had to be at her house each day to get her little 7-year-old boy off the school bus. I had to sleep in her bed for 6 weeks when my son-in-law was in an accident 6 months later. Now that little boy is 19---nearly as old as CJ was.
I wish I could hold your hand and tell you I know your feelings; I wish you could see my tears and know that although our circumstances are different, they are for you and me both. The loss of a child is something you never, ever stop hurting over completely.
But, one day after the next, it's much less painful now---than it was just 76 days afterward.
I think your writing was very brave--I couldn't have done it. You're finding own your way to heal. God bless you, Hallie.
Four years ago, I lost my baby brother (who lived with me) to a random act of violence. OUR last words were also fighting words. Although losing a child must be SO much harder, I can't imagine pain worse than what I felt. And what I still feel. And a 2 months isn't enough to change it. I wish that I could reach across and give you hugs, but I can't. I will, however, tell you something that I wish someone had told me when I couldn't find joy and laughter or even a smile, when I stopped being interested in doing ANYthing, when it took every effort in me just to get out of bed - talk to a doctor. Get some help, maybe even some meds. I'm serious; this kind of depression is all-consuming and no one who hasn't gone through this kind of loss will ever know how much. It eats at you and takes away EVERYthing. Don't be too proud to do what's necessary to help YOU feel at least somewhat OK and able to make it through maybe even an hour without crying. It hurts ... and the hurt may dull a bit with the passage of time, but it will never go away. Do what you need to do to feel somewhat OK again for now. I really really really feel for you.
Julie @ Knitting and Sundries
Hallie....I hadn't been reading blogs for awhile and I had NO idea of the pain you have been going through.
There is absolutely nothing I can say that could take away even the tiniest bit of your grief, so I won't even try.
Please know that even us strangers out here are thinking about you and sending you strength.
I am so, so sorry.
I am only here to tell you that I will never unfollow you, there are times I read and I can't type b/c I'm crying so hard.
That's all. I lurk, I know...but what can I say to you?
Your story scares me, it scares me b/c it's so possible.
I'm sorry...
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