Can't find words to truly describe what life has become for me.
Cuz quite frankly, there are none.
I am NOT in shock.
But I still can't believe this happened.
I can hear him. And see him.
Well, at least in my mind. And the mind is a tricky thing.
Sometimes I find myself staring at the front door. Closing my eyes really tight. Repeating common phrases he said OVER and OVER. As if doing all that will bring him back.
I cringe when it hits me all over again. And it does hit me repeatedly. Like rogue waves on a stormy sea.
It's been OVER three months.
I am as empty as I've ever been.
"Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy."
Saw this quote on a suicide survivor website.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
28 comments:
I'm glad you're writing. Maybe when you look back on this time you will see it helped. Maybe it won't...I don't know. I don't know what to say because I've never experienced what you're going through. You say you're crying a lot. I would think that I would cry as much as you. I cry for you now... (((hugs))) Hallie. I know we don't know each other but I'm still sending you (((hugs))) across the miles.
"It's been OVER three months".
There is no time limit on sorrow. At some point, you WILL have a day where a happy thought will fleetingly creep into your head....then another....then another. Right now that is impossible. You have every right to feel empty. A part of your heart has been ripped out. Understand that you are grieving and rightfully so. Don't rush yourself and don't let anyone else rush you.
Peace will come when it is time.
Hallie, my heart just breaks for you. How does one survive something this devastating??? I wish I knew.
you are in my prayers.
You are in shock Hallie... traumatic shock. It replays over and over, flashbacks at any time and the feelings are vivid and as real as day one. Shock.... its there, just called something a little diffferent.
Time is your friend and enemy, I pray for peace for your heart, one day you'll give yourself permission to laugh, to smile, to forget a few seconds, to be happy in some form again. And when it happens in its small way at first, hopefully you won't feel like your doing something wrong, or not respecting CJ because you felt better for a few minutes .... just some random thoughts. If they help, I'm glad, if not - ignore.
Mary Lee
Thinking of you....
It's hard enough to lose a child, but to have lost him in such a way...your extreme pain is understandable, certainly. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Hallie...
This is your grief, your way of handling with something unimaginable. You do it on your terms, your way. No one can tell you how to handle this. No one can know your feelings. There is no time limit on when you are supposed to feel "normal" and quite frankly, I don't even expect you to be normal ever again. Because nothing will be normal. But you will eventually find a way to handle everything and it won't hurt quite as badly. The pain will always be there, but your way of filtering it will adjust. And it may not happen any time soon and that is fine. No one can expect you to be okay after this. But we can try to help you figure out a way to cope by being there for you in whatever you need, be it listening, screaming, crying or maybe someday, laughing. Love you my friend.
I agree with all that has been shared...there isn't a time limit on grief. Some grieve and then move on and others can never grow past the grief.
Are you a part of a support group? That may be a huge help to talk with others who are also going through what you are going through.
I'm thinking of you, Hallie and wishing nothing but comfort, even if it lasts for only a moment.
Keep Loving Hallie,
In time, you will smile again, and for a moment, you might even be happy!
Thinking of you as always, and praying for a peace in your head and your heart!
Keep hanging in there, Hallie...I'm so sorry you're going through hell.
You are in my prayers daily. I wish I had the words to give you some comfort.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I never know what to say other than that I'm thinking about you and praying for you!
Hallie,
Me again. Glad you are writing and sharing your pain. You have us, your loyal blogging readers to support you.
Three months is nothing in your journey of grief.
Hang in there. Allow yourself to feel and breathe.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I know you know this - but no one expects you to be over this now or to stop crying or to all-of-a-sudden be the life of the party.The most horrible thing that could happen to a mother happened to you. I wish you didn't hurt, but I know how much you love CJ - and so of course you hurt with him being gone. I hurt so much for you. I know it is not much - but I still pray for you daily. Just know you are so loved. All of you.
As much as I wish somebody would come up with those perfect words to ease your pain...you and I both know those words simply do not exist. Hopefully, the prayers and hugs at least show how much people genuinely care about you. None of us will forget your son. ever.
Please keep writing. Share your thoughts. Share your memories. Share your heart. Even though it is a broken heart now...it is a heart filled with so much love.
hugs....
~AM
Hey sweets, I love you. I will always love you even if you choose not to answer back. I think of you all the time, just have a loss for words on what to write every day. My heart breaks for you and I wish I could make it better, but unfortunately you have to find your own way. Hugs for you, John and Connor.
Keeping you in my prayers. ((HUGS))
I wish I could do more.
Love you Hal.
All I can offer is hugs from afar. HUGS to you!!
I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know there isn't anything I can do that will fix things or make things any easier. But I do pray that someone with a higher power than my own can comfort you.
{{{HUGS}}}}... maybe you need to visit your doctor for some medication to help you for a while? Just a thought.
My son died last October and I can still fell that hollow hurt and the stab of shock. I can still feel the guilt that I somehow failed him. In a way I don't want the feelings to leave. I go on with my life and then when I least expect it to happen the grief will rise up and swallow me for a time. Then there are the times when I intentionally take myself back and experience the pain again ..... just to see if it is still there. Time will lessen the pain, but everyone has their own time frame. I agree with Chris. Maybe you should ask your doctor for something to help deal with daily life for awhile. It won't make you act any different, but will help you cope a little better. My heart absolutely breaks for you and I wish I had something to offer other than words and prayers.
Lost, helpless, directionless, confused, sad, empty...The list could go on and on and on. But ALL of it makes absolute sense and ALL of it is valid. The mind IS a tricky thing and you will continue to do things that might make you wonder if you are losing your mind. The answer is no. You are doing everything in your power to cope with something that is incomprehensible.
Yes, it has been over three months, but so what? There are no time limits or constraints when it comes to grief, much less after going through what you have gone through! You are doing pretty darn well, as far as I can see. You have already done some major things in order to honor CJ and to keep his memory alive, and it has only been three months! You have already done a huge amount in order to bring attention to suicide awareness and God only knows how many lives you have affected in your outreach. You are a remarkable woman, Hals, and I am only saying that because it is the TRUTH. I can just see CJ's cheesy smile when he considers all that his mom has done is his honor. He must be so proud of you. Connor must be so proud of you. One moment does not erase a lifetime of love. Truly it is boundless, Hallie.
Please continue to express yourself in whatever ways that feel right to you. If you write, we will read. If you talk, we will listen. So many people care. So many.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope Ness was able to give you the hug that I sent along with her. Wish I could deliver one myself.
Love,
Deb
I weep for you.
I am so happy you and Ness finally got together. Hoping the visit gave you a little bit of happiness in the horrible grief.
I'm still praying for you, John and Connor. I know one day soon you'll be starting the upward climb to a somewhat normal life hon...
I have never commented here before and I am not sure this is the right time, so I apologize in advance if this feels inappropriate to you.
I have experienced suicide in my own family - more than once. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am at a loss for words.
I have read your last few posts. I have a friend who lost a child four years ago and I currently am helping her write a book. In being with her during her grief and her sharing her grief with me through our frienddship and her writings, I can tell you she has felt a lot of the same things you are feeling. You are not alone.
Peace.
I came to the WWoW 'ass-backwards', in that I only learned of your blog after the death of your son. Our mutual AF connections led me here...
Please accept my apology if this is an inappropriate time to say it was delightful getting to know your family and weiners as I spent the bulk of a recent wknd reading your entire blog. One can only imagine how much more so had I no knowledge of the sadness that brought me here. Selfishly I hope one day we might see a glimpse again of the witty, and downright funny, personality that oozed from from your entries. If not, or until then, keep writing whatever you need to. It's cathartic I believe - a way to purge some of the pain perhaps.
It must seem wrong on so many levels to find enjoyment, or allow yourself to enjoy, any aspect of life right now. Connor has a lifetime of milestones, events, and achievements - big and small - in his future that deserve to be celebrated. Hopefully you will find a way to be able to do that.
Lastly, as deeply as your story has touched me, a complete stranger, you may rest assured that your son will never be forgotten especially by those who knew him personally.
You and your family have my deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences. I will continue to pray every day that today will be the day the heaviness in your heart feels just the tiniest bit lighter. May God bless you and keep you in his embrace.
Never doubt that your feelings are valid. No, you're really not in shock anymore. I think shock at first is a gift that God gives us so we won't die ourselves.
You had this child and raised him and he had a huge part of your heart. There is no way that that hole is going to be filled. There was 20 years of having, raising, knowing and loving him--compared to only 3 months of grieving. No time, really, at all.
When you're shaken to the very core, how else can one act? You are now fighting for your own survival now. I know about the mask of a smile--and that smile doesn't mean happiness.
I remember long after my daughter's death, I'd still somehow think that may be her when the phone rang. I know it sounds ridiculous to people who haven't gone through this. When I heard someone say, "Mama?" in a store--I'd turn around thinking it was her. So I know what you mean.
I think you're such a brave woman and mom for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had been able to do that better. Only when I talked to someone who'd lost their child did I feel they might understand what I was going through.
Now you don't expect life to ever be normal again---because the old normal is gone. One day--you will find a new normal--and your name and John and Conner's are on my prayer list. And I can see there are many more who are lifting you up.
I only wish I could do more.
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