Wasn't going to write but thought, why not? Nothing helps so nothing can hurt, right?
Yes, I'm in counseling. But honestly? Not sure it's helping. But it might not be hurting so I continue to go.
The crying hasn't lessened. I do it at night. I do it in the shower. I do it in work. I TRY not to do it so much. I even try to hide it from John and Connor. Not that they have given me ANY reason to do so. I just hate that I do it SO MUCH.
I sniff his shirt...the one he changed out of only a short time before....it.
It still smells like him. I drape it over my head and die a little inside. Makes me wonder why I keep doing it. But I can't stop. So I won't.
I look at his name on my finger. I scream inside my head that I SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAD TO TATTOO MY SUICIDAL SON'S NAME ON MY FINGER. I think over and over that this is just a bad dream. Well it is. So there.
I look at pictures. Over and over. And I weep. There will be NO MORE PICTURES. Ever. I'll be a 90 year old woman someday and still be looking at CJ as a 20 year old man. Not 21, not 36, not 55. Just 20.
And then I pray. To who, I don't know. Things aren't crystal clear for me anymore. Don't know what or who I believe in anymore...if anything.
But I still pray.
That Connor will live until he's an old man. That he will experience everything his brother will miss. That he will have more joy than pain in his life. That he will be successful in whatever he chooses to do. That he may know the happiness that children will bring him.
That he will always know that I LOVE HIM MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. That NOTHING will ever be so bad, so hard, that his being gone would be the answer.
CJ's birthday was hell. Hell in a beautiful location, but hell nonetheless.
Wish July 3rd would just fall off the calendar. FOREVER.
There is nothing worth celebrating on that day anymore. My son CHOSE to KILL himself. For sure (at least right now) that totally overshadows his birth.
Still confused as to why people continue to reach out to me. I am NOT FUN. At all. And I still only respond occasionally. When I'm not crying. Or dying a little inside.
Or screaming at the computer screen, "YOU HAVE YOUR 20 YEAR OLD SON SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD, THEN WATCH HIM SWELL AND DIE, AND YOU SEE HOW AT PEACE YOU ARE." See how much YOU THINK he's in a better place.
Cuz people have said that. And I JUST DON'T GET IT.
He is NOT in a better place. Not for me anyway.
I miss you Shmoops so much.
SO. FREAKIN. MUCH.
30 comments:
I just want to come sit with you so you can scream & punch & kick & yell some more... I'd do it with you too...
((Hallie)) I'm with Rebecca Jo. You can scream, punch, and kick at me all you want to. I want to meet whatever needs you have, and I will try to be better at finding something meaningful to say when there are no words that can help. But I never want my words to hurt, so I will try harder. I love you.
((Hallie)) I wish with all my heart that I had the perfect words for you. Even more than that, I wish that this wasn't your reality. Please know that you are in my thoughts each and every day. You, John, Connor and CJ. I'm holding all of you tight in my love.
I'm glad you are writing, Hallie. I think what you said is just perfect. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. I wish I could give you answers or peace or hope or something. But I can't. I can give you my friendship, my love, my empathy. I know during my darkest time, I had others who reached out so selflessly to me. I was overwhelmed by their generosity at a time I couldn't reciprocate. It is a honor for me to stand by my friend, now. And, I am not going to preach to you in your time of hurt, Hallie. Every doubt, every tear, every scream - you have earned as mother who lost her child. So you cry and doubt and scream as much as you need to. I will tell you this - those hands reaching out to you, lifting you up, continuing to care for you - I really believe those are God's hands. He is nothing more complex than that: others reaching out to those who hurt.
We'll continue to be here for you all. Lifting you up in love and prayer.
nothing is right and you have to do whatever it takes to get through that...I'll still be here, nope, not going anywhere. love...
Keep writing Hallie. Put all here so that maybe some of the weight can be lifted from your shoulders. And if you get nothing but support from others then so be it but if it gives you one tiny bit of relief then keep writing. Hugs.
we still come around, we still listen we still cry with you because we love you, ALL of you as in the good the bad the sad the horrified the heartbroken the smiling the laughing the screaming the hitting the lost the confused the hurt ALL of it we love because it is all a part of you... NOT by choice but by the virtue of the fact that we are HUMAN beings and we ALL have each of these inside us and for what ever reason this is where you are right now.
you shared your life your family your being before this insanity and thankfully you still share now, we are a part of you and you are a part of us... God is there /here / everywhere and is listening and answering... Not always with the answers we want to hear and in this case we may not ever have the answers until we are there with them...
and who knows maybe by then they wont matter because being together again will matter more.
I wish i could carry some of the pain with you ... for you... and I hope you keep putting it all out there because you ARE STILL changing lives and making a difference my dear hallie. CJ is still touching peoples lives either through curiosity of strangers (talking about the people who came out of the wood work after this happened)or out of empathy or fear or for what ever reason is has happened.
it means something it is doing something... and hopefully NO ONE else will ever have to hurt like this... who knows maybe that is why ... to stop someone else from going though it... Only God knows.. but until then I am here with you ... whether i comment or not weather i text back / or you text back ... does not matter because i know you are there always. LOVE YOU Hallie, John Conner, and CJ :) I am glad you are a part of my life :)
♥ Dear Hallie,
Would you just read again
what Laura ~ Peach said ♥
She wrote words I WISH I could
have written.
My youngest Kevin will be 14 in a few months. He has heard me speak about CJ and your family.
He saw the items I boxed up to
send you. ♥
He said..."Awww nice Mom".
♥
He has heard me speak of
your pain.
My point is... YOU are touching
my son. !!!♥!! I know it can't ever bring your son back, but
through your honest and open sharing, you are planting seeds
of prevention. ♥
♥ You wonder how people are still here, it's because I DAMN WELL KNOW IF I had lost my Vinny in this way..♥. YOU would have my back.!!!!!!!
♥
Love and Light ~ Always
Deb in OH ♥
PAFM SSgt Vinny - S.Korea
HUGS
HUGS
More HUGS
I have no words, but please know i feel for you and your entire family. I hope you find a shred of peace somehow.
Thank you (again) for your courage and honesty. I know someday some joy will return for you. Your grief is powerful and incredible and evidence to your deep, everlasting love for your sons. I wish I had more words...just love. Oh, and I totally get the smelling of the shirt thing.
Kim (a blog friend of Alice's).
I along with everyone else wishes we could do something to change the way you feel..WE can't so we will all be here whenever you are ready to reach out to anyone OR noone at all....Real friendships don't just go away because you are going through HELL! We are here till eternity....We love you Hallie! HUGS for you!
Dottie
Hallie, Sweetie...you do not have to be FUN to have people want to reach out to you! You just have to be loved, and I think I can safely say for ALL of us...WE. LOVE. YOU.
That is all I have to say.
Claudia
It's alright. Just keep writing. We do care.
People reach out because they care. Sometimes they don't reach out because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I know that sometimes I am afraid to comment because I don't want to say something that may cause even more pain. Just know that there are many many people who care a great deal. I sit here with tears rolling down my face because I want to do something, anything to make you feel better and I know I can't. All I can do is let you know that I am but one of many many many people who are holding you in our thoughts every day.
Hugs, prayers and love to you, John, Connor and CJ.
Prayers.
Hallie, I so hear your pain and I so wish I could write exactly how I feel but please know that we all love you unconditionally. We love all of you, your sad parts, your funny parts, just being Hallie parts. We will not ever leave you but will always be here. I do not know what to say, it's hard, when my sister comitted suicide it was hard and it still hurts. The hurt will never go away. I have lost a sister, a cousin and a cousin by marriage due to suicide. I actually tried it once myself, and I am so glad it didn't work. Please know we will not leave you. Please know if I say the wrong things, I don't mean to. Continue to write Hallie, it will help. I love your family and think of you and pray for you daily. Grieve the way you need to and never feel bad for it. We all grieve differently. Hallie, I give you my love, my friendship and all I need to help you. Always here, never gone....
God Bless~
Debbie Jean
Hallie, I think about you so much, and I know, I would feel exactly the same as you.
My family has heard me mention you as well, and like someone said....your writing might be a seed of prevention for someone else.
Which sounds JUST LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO...whether you know it or not.
You don't have to be fun for others to care about you.
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but I don't. Know that I am thinking of you and your family, and wishing you peace, if only for a moment!
Even if the keyboard floods with your tears, we are here for you. Don't ever apologize for the things you say on your blog. It's where your heart spills over. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.
I can only speak for myself...but I never came here just for what you could give to me. I came here because I loved your writing and came to know you and by extension, your family, and care about you. And now that your life has changed, that didn't change my feelings about you. I still love you and care about you, and I come here (and to FB) to check on you, and see if maybe there is some way I can say some little thing that will let you know that people care.
I would feel EXACTLY the same as you if this were to happen to one of my kids/me.
Scream and rant all you like... I hope it helps.
{{{HUGS}}}
Hi Hallie,
Me again. Another mother who lost their child.
No, it will never be the same again. Never. I am 25 years into it, and there are days I still want to scream and yell and break every dish and glass in the house!
You need to cry, to grieve to work through the horror of that day.
Remember, it's okay to be angry. Angry at the event, angry at your loss and yes, angry at CJ.
You are going through the toughest fight of your life right now. The fight for peace in your life.
I wish that it would come easily, but it won't. You will have to go three rounds (or more) with your emotions. Please cut yourself a little slack though and remember that in so many ways you are suffering Post Traumatic Stress here.
Just as I did when I lost my daughter.
Mostly I do okay now (25 years down the road), but there are still days, and I imagine there always will be.
The pictures bother me too. Oh, how I miss seeing new pictures of her smiling face!
Sending knowing and loving hugs to you!!!
Not sure you read it or not, but Molly talks about how before Ryan died, she felt like her life was a story that she was writing every page of. And then, he died, and that book slammed shut. A new book was started, but it had only one page in it. It read, "My son is dead." You are at that place right now, my friend, and I am so sorry for that. Molly was there for a long time. Today, though, Molly (who discovered her son's body 12 hours after he died--a horrific experience to add to losing a son) says the new book has a few more pages. She's writing again, very, very slowly, but she's writing, and so will you. Right now, though, keep ranting. You certainly are entitled.
I wish I could hug you.
I know you feel like it--but you are never alone. Take the time you need to do what you need. Say whatever you need to say to whomever you want and need. This is your place to say whatever you feel whenever you want.
I can see you have caring people around you, caring people here that don't even know you, but they're here. Caring.
I promise you---and I know you don't feel like it---but one day, you will wake up and not cry that day. And years from now, you will still have tears, but you will not cry everyday. I can tell you that because I know from experience.
I'm praying for you and your family.
I am glad you are writing, even though it's painful to read. Vent. Let out your feelings. You are feeling anger towards CJ and I am sure that's normal. You are probably also feeling 100 other things. Also normal.
I used to work for a horrible woman and I would tell her off every day in the shower. I'd tell her where to go and cuss a lot. Of course she never heard me. It allowed me to not kill her though, and to keep working until I found another job. My therapist told me it was OK as long as it helped.
Trying not to think about your son would probably be impossible. However, consider writing down every single thing you want to say to CJ on a piece of paper, and then printing it out and saying it to him, shouting it if need be. Make sure you're alone in the house of course, beforehand. Vent. Shout. Tell him verbally what you're feeling. Take your time. Maybe do this more than once. Maybe do it every day for a while.
THEN, repeat this several times: I have a living husband and son and they need me to be OK so I WILL be OK, for them, and one day soon for ME.
Just a suggestion.
Another one is to do some volunteer work, or work for a charity, on your own time. Focus on the needs of living children who need your help in some way. Your son is past helping but there are plenty of kids who need help.
Hugs,
Dee
This post is the most real thing I have ever read. The pain you are feeling is seeped into every letter. And that is fine. That is what you are feeling. Never feel bad about crying or being upset or screaming or just trying to be. Because no one else can know how you feel. Your feelings are your own and every single one of them is right for you. I just wish I could help take the pain away a bit. I love you my friend.
We don't know each other and this is my first visit to your blog.
Reading the comments from your friends and readers, it is very clear to me that you are surrounded by incredible love and a strong support network. I know you feel incredibly alone in your pain almost every single second of the day, but, as an outsider, I just want you to know that through all of these comments I can see all the loving arms that are wanting to hug you tightly right now.
My heart hurts for you and your family and my thoughts are with you all. Your CJ had an incredible smile.
-danni in oregon
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